advice needed, not sure what i should do re this

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hello, i am really not sure what as a parent i should be doing re this, so hoping for some advice as i have a nagging feeling that this isn't right.

DD is just 3, started at village pre school (rated outstanding) in Sept for 2 afternoons a week. Since this Jan (turned 3 in Dec) she's been offered 3 afternoons.

She is (was) a happy confident little girl, used to interacting with others at toddler groups her (fantastic) childminder takes her to. Never had any issues leaving her anywhere, never been clingy, the sort of child who would go up to others in the local park and say hello.

Since Sept I have had nagging doubts, which i have tried to voice to the school on 3 or 4 occasions informally, and then eventually sent an email to them before Christmas. Basically, when I drop her off, none of the adults make an attempt to welcome her in - say "would you like to come and help us x, y, z" for example. She is left on her own, and has developed a defence mechanism of going to get a jigsaw puzzle out (which she can do on her own). She hasn't made any friends, in fact I think she doesn't know the names of lots of the children yet (they tend to be different each day so is confusing even for me). Had one incident where she came home with a nasty bruise on head where one of the boys had pushed her off top of the slide, but ok, accidents happen.

I feel like her confidence in social situations is gradually being eroded. She has become clingy, asking me to stay and play with her for a while. She's not the type that will wail and hang on to me - she's very compliant and "good" so I think school don't see there's any problem, but I do. Her childminder has also noticed a difference in her at toddler groups.

I haven't explained that very well, but conscious is becoming a bit of an essay. Basically, if your child isn't thriving and loving being at prechool, isn't there something wrong? And what do i do? School seem unable, unwilling to help - they don't think there's a problem and I think she's not on their radar because she's not the type that will burst into tears and wail etc. I am very reluctant to move her, but starting to think that as a parent that's possibly what i should do. Any thoughts?

I think if it was me I'd move her x Pre school should be fun and welcoming and if neither of u are happy then perhaps this isn't the right place for ur dd x I would have serious concerns if I felt that the staff were not receptive to parental input as trust is very important and if it's not there then it spoils it for both of you x I really hope u manage to sort something out and your daughter can start enjoying Pre school and u can start to enjoy the break without having to worry about how she's doing x x

thank you x
At the moment i hate dropping her off there and I don't think i am an over protective, paranoid parent, but maybe i am! - never done this before so only have gut instinct to go by.

They have made more of an effort since i've spoken to them - the last couple of times her key worker has tried to involve her a bit. But I just felt they didn't 'get it' when i spoke to them, they came out with some technical/by the book explanation of how children of this age are egocentric blah blah blah. Didn't reassure me much.
Am so reluctant to move her as its attached to the primary school she will be going to, and should in theory be a great way to ease her progress to that, but...

I think i have to talk to them again, which I hate doing but will have to.

Think ur gonna have to go with your gut feeling on this one x by the runways goes to school there will probably be others attending that didnt go to the pre school so she won't be the only one there who doesn't know anyone there x I gave to say it's natural to have concerns as a parent and for what it's worth I don't think u r being paranoid or over protective but I don't think it's normal to have to keep on at the key workers to include her. Do they appeAr to kmo

Posted too soon sorry lol do they appear to know ur daughter by name and what she likes etc?

sorry - only just managed to get back on! Yes, they do know her name. I don't know, it just doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy feeling but maybe school isn't meant to! I do know she doesn't enjoy going there but again, maybe that's normal/common?
am going to speak to them again tomorrow but not sure anything can come of it

Get her out. Everything you say just feels wrong. If they aren't willing to talk to you then just get her somewhere else. She doesn't need to be there.

OP- my DS was an at 'outstanding' rated OFTED nursery .
However. My DS was extremely unhappy there. He was bullied and their bullying policy was none existent .
It was very hard deciding to move him because I didn't want to cause him any upheaval .
Now he is at one of the simplest pre schools I come across - not beautifully decorated , neither does it have a vast array of resources.
Our DS is The Happiest I have seen him in a long while . He sings to himself so much now! No they don't have endless activities or trips out to the park etc etc.
But he is a totally different child . A very happy one . Ofsted ratings don't count for a great deal really.
I would advise you to move her some where else .

It's really not normal hon x they r supposed to enjoy it, make friends and come home covered in paint / glitter with armfuls of pictures and bits of card with stuff stuck on and all that kind of stuff x it's normal to get the odd day where they r tired and really don't wanna go every now and then but that's only once in a while and ice not met any child yet who hasn't loved going to nursery/ pre school x I'm really sorry to hear ur both having a hard time of it but I promise u there r some lovely pre schools out there that may not have an outstanding rating but r fun filled and welcoming with key workers who the kids adore and really respond to x hope u manage to find something that suits ur daughter x x

You know your child better than they do, in particular you know that there is a difference in her since she has been attending preschool.

Listen to your own instincts and move her somewhere else that you feel better about. Preschool should be fun for kids, not just something to be endured until hometime. If she doesn't want to go there then there is no reason on earth to make her.

Just so you know that a warm fuzzy feeling is possible though, I do feel that way about DS's preschool, where the staff welcome the kids everyday and always make time to talk to parents - mostly because he asks to go there all the time, even at weekends!

It sounds like you need to find somewhere else. She's unhappy, they've not listened, a previously content and able child is becoming sad and there's going to be lots more you've not mentioned. Pull her out. Find somewhere suited to her, it might not necessarily be Ofsted oustanding, but they may be paying more attention to keeping that status than the children themselves.

I know it's a bit different but I'm a cm, and I always greet my "children" with a hug, and I always make time for each and every one of them. Nursery should be doing this too.

I'm an early years practitioner and we make a point of welcoming every child has they come in - dropping off is a busy hectic period but we manage. Having said that, perhaps they do more with your daughter once she's in. However if you feel she's still unhappy I think you need to arrange a one to one meeting with the manager, write down your concerns so you know what you are going to say.

Don't be taken in by focusing on Ofsted outstanding settings, visit, see how your daughter likes it. As SqishyCinnamonSwirls says, perhaps take her out of this setting & try somewhere which 'feels' right for both of you & not worry about Ofsted ratings. She may need her confidence boosting in preparation for school and if can do better elsewhere then it wouldn't matter whether the nursery is attached to the school.

I would say move her as well. She's only 3, the only needs to be one test at this age - is she happy? She's not, so move her.

We moved dd1 last year, the difference was amazing

thank you so much everyone for your replies, this parenting thing is so hard!

Well, she went again today, and they are definitely trying to make more of an effort to include her - they have finally got it that i'm not happy, if nothing else. She came home happier and chattier than she has been so far, though still not herself. But not as withdrawn and shell shocked as she usually has been. Having said that the same boy that pushed her off the slide pushed her over again today!

i spoke to the manager - she said the right things I suppose, basically they don't see a problem, said she is very bright but struggling with the social interaction bit, they assumed she has had more practice interacting with adults than other children which I corrected them on, is not true. There is a parents something session (can't remember what they called it) after half term that sounds like it will give us an opportunity to discuss things further. I don't want to leave it that long to make a decision though. I am going to see how she is this Friday when she goes, but am also going to make appts to see some other preschools/nurseries in the area in the meantime. My gut feeling is still to move her, I just need to make sure I'm not jumping from frying pan into fire.

thank you everyone x

ps there is definitely lots of other stuff that has made me feel they don't have much empathy with kids - eg the morning session lot all made cakes one morning, my DD was pretty much the only one there for the afternoon session and hence only one at home time without a cake to take home, which did cause tears. Not rocket science to think that a 3 year old is going to be upset with being the only one not handed a cake at going home time!

Please let us know how u get on x hope to hear some good news about ur dd finally settling in or loving her new pre school x don't dismiss any gut feelings as parents we just know when something feels wrong x definitely can't hurt to have a look around the most important thing is she's happy and she's enjoying it and if shes happy u will be happy x it's not all about the ofsted x if they r that complacent they won't remain outstanding for long x x