Best way to prepare nervous child for nursery

[BertieBotts]

Got DS' nursery place confirmation through the post today - he starts in January. He asked me what it was so I told him, and he immediately looked worried and said "I don't want to go to nursery."

:( Is this a normal thing they go through? We went to look at the nursery some months ago - probably in the spring or summer, I think, definitely this year, and he really liked it and when I asked if he'd like to come when he was a bit older he said yes. Since then though he's become really nervous about other children if he doesn't know them, especially in large groups, for example if we are at the park or if we go to a new toddler group. He literally will not go near strange children and it's only if we are in a very small group with one or two other new children and they have a particularly exciting game he wants to join in with that he will be interested.

He goes to a childminder and is fine with the other children there, though they are usually the same children each time. CM asked me the other day about the other children in the park situation because she wanted to know if he was the same with me, and she said she is going to start taking him to a regular group when she has him so that he gets used to being with new children especially without me around.

DS has picked up from other children at the CM that when you go to nursery, Mummy doesn't come too, and this seems to be what he is worrying about. He said that he doesn't want to go by himself. (This was unprompted.) I'm now wishing I'd signed him up to another nursery when he was 2.5 as he seemed so much happier and more confident in new situations then - he seems much more nervous now! This one is quite big, as well, it's a combined preschool and reception class. Before I'd thought this was a good thing as he seemed to like older children, but now it's older children who make him more nervous.

Please tell me that I'm worrying and they are all like this and they are fine!

Oh and any tips to prepare him as well :)

I know it's a bit late but anyone? (Will bump in the morning too)

Morning bump!

I am in a similar situation, so giving you another bump as I am interested to see any tips...

Ooh, glad to hear I'm not the only one! :)

My DD2 (just over 3) is still doing the 'I don't want to go to nursery' pretty much every nursery day (she's been going for 6 months now), BUT once we're there, she's happy and comes skipping out every day with a huge smile and tells me what they've been doing. She's often nervous in new situations, and especially dislikes me leaving her (with anyone, even much loved GPs), but is generally fineonce she gets over that initial leaving (she doesn't usually want me to say goodbye for that reason). Get some good 'starting preschool/nursery' books and read them with him, and talk to the nursery in advance about how they do their settling in sessions. It's really important that he sees you be confident and happy about it all though - they pick up so quickly on your anxieties. Talk to him about what you'll do while he's at nursery (I do A LOT of VERY BORING stuff!) and how you'll be able to do more fun things with him because you do the dull stuff while he's there. And of course lots of positive talk about the fun stuff he'll do, the friends he will make etc. I can't say it's easy - I used to end up in tears after drop off when I had to leave her in tears, but the nursery should be really good about things like you ringing 10 mins later to check they are OK, or allowing you to 'hide' in a nearby room to check he's settled.

I do think (based on nothing but anecdote and personal experience!) that as they get older they are learning more about social norms and how you are 'supposed' to be upset when mummy leaves, and of course they're more aware of what a big world it is out there. Just make sure you are really happy with the nursery. Personally I'd give them a call now and outline your concerns, see what they say. He should be doing settling in sessions, they may well allow you to stay for one or two sessions if you think that would help (beware just postphoning the inevitable though!) and see what sort of communication they give as standard to reassure you that he's happy once there.

You've got lots of time to get him comfortable with the idea again, but don't worry if he says he desn't want to go. It is really really common, and being upset at drop off is common too but it's something nurseries are usually really good at dealing with.

Oh, and (whisper it) a couple of sweeties/chocolate buttons at drop off is not unknown to help. Not that I'd do that though, oh no, not me .

Good luck and try not to stress too much about it.

Oh thank you Daisy, that's brilliant :) We are having a home visit in a couple of weeks so he'll get to meet one of the teachers, and they did also say that they are happy for parents to stay for as long as it takes to get LOs settled. I'll definitely see if I can speak to them when DS not around as well as like you say, I don't want him picking up on my anxiety. Am just worried though because I might be working by then and not around in the mornings - DP will be though which might actually be better for DS. He feels secure with him but he's probably not as clingy to him as he is to me (which is the wrong word but hey).

When we visited before, they pointed out another little boy and said that he had been very unsettled when he first started, he'd only been there a few months, and he seemed very well settled in and just as happy as the other children. So that was reassuring. The visit made me feel really confident in the nursery as well - we were there for 45 minutes and I didn't see one child crying, aside from a minor scuffle between two brothers!

Would it be worth hanging around the park at nursery pick up time and trying to make friends with some of the other children he'll be with, or is that a bit creepy? The children next door go there but the youngest is in year 1 now, I think.

Any other experiences?

I don't think there's anything wrong with hanging around the park, just so he might know a few faces. If you start following them home afterwards, then you're the wrong side of creepy though!

I'm sure he'll be fine. Don't anticipate problems - if it's DH doing the drop off, then in some ways it might be better - they're often less clingy for Daddy. The fact he's getting to meet the teacher on home turf is great. Rather than saying to them "I'm worried he might be upset", approach it from the "what are your strategies for dealing with upse children" or how they encourage the to settle. I'm sure they'll ask you and him about what he likes to do (I went blank at this point, so do think about it in advance). For my DD it's reading a story every time, so they now know to suggest this to her if she's a bit teary.

Honestly, I bet he'll be fine and love it. :)