being 'left out' at nursery - what do you think staff should do

[assett]

Hi, my ds has just started nursery (aged 3.5) and a few times when I've picked him up the staff have described incidents in which other children have told him he can't join in their games. They've told me it in a kind of 'he dealt with it really well' sort of way, but I can't help but feel they should be doing more to manage the situation. I think they're of the view that the children can sort it out for themselves (rather than force them to play with ds if they don't want to) but I think I'd like them to direct the situation a bit more or at least explain to ds what's happening and why. Am I expecting too much/being overprotective? What would you expect staff to do in a similar situation?

This is a bit of a classic pattern with children who start late in the school year. Often, friendship groups are already established, and some of the older children who are going to school in September are well and truly ready to move on, IYKWIM.

The first important thing here is that your DS is 'dealing with it well', so we assume not getting distressed or angry / aggressive about it. Good for him. But if I was you, and the nursery assistant says 'he dealt with it very well', I would say 'Can you explain what you mean? What did he do?'

Secondly, whilst I'm a great believer in letting them sort out minor disagreements themselves (and often even young children can surprise you at how well they can do this), they are still only 3 and 4. If it's a 'few times' that this has happened, I would suggest that you ask them about their approach. You can be very calm about this, just say 'As staff, how do you usually handle a situation like this?' and see what they tell you.

IME (both as a parent and working in EY), the children who start in the summer term often come up against this sort of thing, but it tends to all sort itself out in September. Come the autumn, there's a whole load more new starters, and children like your DS suddenly become old hands at the whole thing.

Thanks very much for the reply. Out of interest, how would you deal with it? What do you think staff should do/what interventions would work? I just don't know what's good practice/what would be most helpful. I also found myself struggling to explain it to ds without resorting to saying 'sometimes children aren't very nice', which doesn't feel like the best way to help him make friends!

Personally, I tend to be quite brisk with my children : 'Well if X doesn't want to play with you, then you just go and play in the home corner and never mind...' sort of approach.

But if I felt it was persistent, then I think I'd have a chat to the preschool supervisor or to my child's key worker, to find out exactly what's going on, and why they think it is. For instance, is it as I suggest, that some rumbunctious four and a half year olds are ruling the roost before they go off to school? Or is it something specifically to do with how your child inserts himself into their play (not suggesting that it is, just that sometimes this is the case).

More than anything, remember that a couple of months is a very long time in the life of a 3 year old. We have one little boy at the moment who started in September and was very difficult - he couldn't share, would scream if an adult said no to him, wouldn't do what he was asked to do - and now just 8 months later he is the nicest, brightest, most sensible boy in the group. He's emerged as a real leader.

whoops, just 'outed' my own name-change there, didn't I? Same poster, sorry for any confusion!

Am intrigued by the name change now! Thanks again for your input on this. I think it quite possibly is linked to both the reasons you mention - ie the group of boys (who are the oldest and quite tight knit, and apparently act this way with others too) and also the way ds tries to join in their play. He's quite a late developer socially and probably does it all a bit clumsily. This is part of the reason it's a bit upsetting - it feels like he's just gained enough confidence to ask to join in and has just started working out all the rules, only to be rebuffed when he does try... Any advice on how I could help him to 'insert' himself more successfully?

oh I just namechanged because I was bored, no drama!

It is a bit difficult. If there's the concerns you mention in your last post then it might be worth chatting about it to his key person. She might then be able to help him by getting your DS plus one or two of the other boys to do a slightly more structured adult-led activity so that they accept him in a situation where she can 'guide' them a little bit more.

The EYFS curriculum is all about being child-led, letting the child dictate the pace and explore what interests them, and so on. This is fine, but it doesn't mean the staff should back off completely and let it all go a bit Lord of the Flies.

Also, don't forget the girls. My DS1 has always found relationships with groups of other little boys to be difficult, but he's very popular with girls. Can you encourage your DS to try playing with some of the girls in the group?