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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

WIBU to hug my 3 year old? I don't think so, what do i say to teacher?

41 replies

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 09:49

Just got home from dropping ds (3.7) at school nursery. It is full time school hours, 9-3.15. We stay and play for 15 mins then they ring a bell and all the children sit on the carpet.

Ds wasn't upset this morning (never is) but was clingy, which he never usually is, i assume it's after half term. I asked him who he was sitting next to he said "mummy" and just was holding on to me. I had a little chat with him, all the other children had sat down at this point (about 2 mins since bell ring) he was still hugging me. His teacher who was sitting down said "just go" I was still trying to convince him to let go of my neck and sit down. She then said "just go, it's not fair on the other children!"

I thought that was a bit OTT seeing as it's be about 3 mins since the bell had gone and the other parents had gone, there's always usually one of them screaming and being distruptive and he's FUCKING 3 and wanted another cuddle with his mummy. The was hardly mutiny because they all wanted another cuddle with their mum because x was! If he'd have been screaming fair enough, but i know my son, he never usually does that so it's not like it happens a lot. He wanted another minute or two of cuddles and reasurance and then i knew he'd go happily. The TA (who is lovely) said "come and say bye at the door then x" when the teacher said "it's not fair on the other children" and 1 min later he was fine and i went.

TBH i felt like just taking him home with me when she said it. I thought it was really unnecessary. So what do you think? And what, if anything, should i say to her?

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Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 11:22

SOH, I am also always nodding in agreement at posts written by you and Ingrid!

I always trust my instincts with parenting, i am starting to worry a little about other 12/13 years of school life ahead now though!

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IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 11:24

Mrs Bunting, what's your usual name? I can't work it out!

IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 11:26

I didn't actually trust mine on ds1 and preschool which is something that keeps me awake at night occasionally.

EVERYONE, family, friends, teachers etc etc told me to keep leaving him there and it was the worst thing I could have done. He would cry for half an hour, permanently attached to one of the helpers, and always very miserable before and after.

I think it damaged the trust between us for good.

I kept saying I thought it was wrong and I wanted to stop sending him but I had no support at all and I did what they all told me to do. I hate myself for it now.

That's why I am vehement. It isn't from a position of complacency. I just don't want other people to go through what me and ds1 did.

mehgalegs · 01/03/2011 11:28

I can see both sides as have had 4 who were all a bit clingy at times and now work in a preschool. I think the teacher could have been a little more gentle with you, it's horrible leaving them sad - we always say something along the lines of "lets let mummy go and do a few jobs and she'll be back after story time" and then reassure the mum by saying we will phone in 10 mins to let her know how child has got on. They almost all stop crying within two minutes.

We had a really hard few weeks this sept, lots of crying and lots of parents staying, it went on for weeks (it's usually expected for the first week or two but not right until half term)Our superviser was firm but friendly to the parents and encouraged them to go as it is really better in the long run, sure enough within three days the routine was normal, all were settled and there were far fewer tears.

mehgalegs · 01/03/2011 11:31

In cases like yours Ingrid we always call the parents back. We then use a process of mum staying to play, then maybe staying in kitchen with child knowing they are close by and gradually wean them into the routine. It can take awhile for some to find their confidence.

i am rubbish at work if a child gets really upset I feel myself welling up

MmeLindt · 01/03/2011 11:32

Ingrid
I am sorry for your experiences but this does not happen to everyone. My DS was a clinger and I had to get out quick or he would get worse and worse. It did not mean that I did not care, I was in the car park sobbing some mornings.

When I phoned 10 mins later the teacher would tell me that he cuddled the teacher for a minute then went and played.

ShowOfHands · 01/03/2011 11:33

Frick off Ingrid, s&b is where I shine. Will pm you a link to a dress I want. Oh how you'll laugh.

I know why you're worried about ds1 but I don't think you've permanently damaged the trust. In everything you do you try and respond to him and it's okay to make a mistake, it's okay to let him see that and you absolutely can turn it around/rebuild trust. He won't blame you for not liking preschool. I went to a playschool and hated it. I can remember sitting under the slide sobbing. My Dad told me recently that it's the biggest regret of his life sending me into that place. My Mum took me, she kept listening to people saying just leave her, back out, go, she'll be fine. My Mum was in bits so my Dad took me in. He took one look at me and my reaction and turned round and took me home. I never went back. I don't blame my Mum a bit. I blame the playschool. And a few months later I went off to school and absolutely adored it. Always did. Well primary school anyway.

MmeLindt · 01/03/2011 11:33

mehgalegs
That is a good compromise.

I do recall the kindergarten having other ways of dealing with children who just would not settle. I guess it depends on the level of trust that you have to them. If arrange that they will call you back if the child does not settle.

missmapp · 01/03/2011 11:35

I agree that all children are different, and a one off quick hug seems completely acceptable. I think if it wasnt a one off then other strategies would need to be explored.

Both my boys are always more confident when i am not around. When I was there, on the playground, at the gate, at parties etc, they would hang round my legs, but if I went , and then sneakily peered round the corner, they were playing beautifully. Now they are more independent if I am around aswell. Each child is different, and I suppose thats what a time to say goodbye before the start of the day allows

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 11:47

The thing is, as i keep explaining, this was a ONE OFF. Not part of settling in or a daily screaming occurence. He didn't cry once, he just wanted me to stay, and after a few minutes happily said bye and waved me off. If i was hanging about for 10 minutes while he screamed every morning obviously i'd need to do something different. He simply needed a few more mins to said goodbye today. My issue was more that it "being unfair to the other children" was ridiculous. That and if i had have gone when she told me to, he would have started screaming.

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LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 12:10

I think the teacher was a bit cranky with you to be honest.

I like what mehgalegs says. What an excellent way of dealing with those kids who don't settle well and their poor Mums . Surely, that way must also make things easier in the long run for the teacher and assistants too!

I never had this problem with DS1, all I ever got was a wave and the view of the back of his head . He went to full-time day care as I was a single, working parent, but he absolutely loved it. It was all I could do to keep his wriggling little body in my arms, long enough for a cuddle. I was the one who needed consoling . He's 13 now and I still have to fight for a cuddle .

Don't know what is going to happen with number 2, who is due in 14 weeks but can I ask mehgalegs whereabouts are you? Anywhere near Eastleigh nr Southampton? I love the sound of where you work .

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 01/03/2011 12:22

Burning - you did the right thing :) As you say, it's a one off, not a regular thing and not to mention that one of the other kids is normally kicking off.

She probably had a row with one of her kids or her DH before school and took it out on you - try to not worry about it anymore :)

I'd have probably told her to go and do her job while I did mine with a look about me!

mehgalegs · 01/03/2011 12:45

libraPoppyGirl we're a bit further east from you I'm afraid - near Chi, just a little bit too far from eastleigh.

coccyx · 01/03/2011 13:07

She was a bit out of order. Maybe she should have got up to take him.

IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 13:21

Thanks Showy, and I love the frock, it'll be wonderful with a hat!

Bless your parents for being so nice. And thankyou for telling me that story, maybe it has not damaged him after all.

Mmelindt, I didn't mean it like that - of course you care. I just felt if I had followed my own instincts it would have been better for me and ds. That's all.

Everyone who leaves a sobbing child cares awfully, I know that, but sometimes maybe they should be enabled to think 'I can actually just take him home/stay a little bit longer, if it feels wrong to leave him' iyswim.

DeWe · 01/03/2011 15:29

I remember being 3 and in hospital with pneumonia. Back then parents had strict visiting times and they had to leave us (in bed) by a certain time.
I remember vividly deciding that my mum was going to be the last to leave one night, and every time she got up to leave I grabbed her and refused to let go. Guess it probably stressed her out, particularly as I called for her to come back as she was leaving.
You know what? I was perfectly aware that she couldn't stay, wasn't going to stay and even I didn't particularly want her to stay but wasn't going to let her go without a fight. And when the door closed I shrugged and went off to sleep without feeling upset or resentful at all.
I remember it chiefly for a sense of satisfaction that I had made her be the last to go.

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