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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

WIBU to hug my 3 year old? I don't think so, what do i say to teacher?

41 replies

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 09:49

Just got home from dropping ds (3.7) at school nursery. It is full time school hours, 9-3.15. We stay and play for 15 mins then they ring a bell and all the children sit on the carpet.

Ds wasn't upset this morning (never is) but was clingy, which he never usually is, i assume it's after half term. I asked him who he was sitting next to he said "mummy" and just was holding on to me. I had a little chat with him, all the other children had sat down at this point (about 2 mins since bell ring) he was still hugging me. His teacher who was sitting down said "just go" I was still trying to convince him to let go of my neck and sit down. She then said "just go, it's not fair on the other children!"

I thought that was a bit OTT seeing as it's be about 3 mins since the bell had gone and the other parents had gone, there's always usually one of them screaming and being distruptive and he's FUCKING 3 and wanted another cuddle with his mummy. The was hardly mutiny because they all wanted another cuddle with their mum because x was! If he'd have been screaming fair enough, but i know my son, he never usually does that so it's not like it happens a lot. He wanted another minute or two of cuddles and reasurance and then i knew he'd go happily. The TA (who is lovely) said "come and say bye at the door then x" when the teacher said "it's not fair on the other children" and 1 min later he was fine and i went.

TBH i felt like just taking him home with me when she said it. I thought it was really unnecessary. So what do you think? And what, if anything, should i say to her?

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Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 10:07

Anyone?

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 01/03/2011 10:10

Not really up to her to tell you to "just go" you know your child best.

MmeLindt · 01/03/2011 10:11

Hmm. It is not about the other children really, but more that it is sometimes kinder to make the goodbye short and sweet. I found that drawing it out makes it more likely that the child will start crying.

If the nursery have a rule that mummies get to stay for 15 mins then I think that you do have to stick to that.

It is not necessarily about this one occasion, but to make the point that they have rules and that everyone has to adhere to them.

Is he ok once you leave?

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 10:11

Hmmm...

I'm not sure really. What would saying anything achieve?

I can understand why you stayed, but can also understand her point. Don't really see the point in making a big deal out of it though.

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 10:19

If he was crying i get that i'd be better to just go but he just wanted a bit more reasurance and i know if i had have "just gone" he was going to start screaming.There is always at least one child screaming or a mummy there hanging around and i've never heard this lack of compassion before. He was fine once he felt reassured. I 'm sure the other children would have simply recognised that x is feeling a bit upset at his mummy going and just wants another cuddle. He's only 3!

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IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 10:25

She sounds a bit out of order imo.

Mine has been the same on a few random occasions (same age) and when I stay a bit longer with him, he is normally fine, so I stay till he is happy and he waves me off.

There is a massive difference between the sort of child who goes off happily after a few minutes of reassurance and the sort of child with whom staying will make it worse - and the ones where it makes it worse, like ds1 I should add, are probably not ready to be left anyway.

Ds1's preschool experience scarred him I think and though I stayed every session for WEEKS he still was never happy away from me. So I took him out after a term. Staying a few minutes never helped.

Ds2 is very different, and loves it, and I know he is fine so staying a few minutes DOES help sometimes and it's the difference between him being happy and being a bit sniffly.

So yanbu. Not much longer there now though - you could consider moving him but if everyone else is nice and you have no other concerns I'd not bother.

ShowOfHands · 01/03/2011 10:28

DD is 3.10 and attends preschool too. They're much more laidback. If a child needs extra cuddles they just make the parent a cup of tea if they want one and let them stay for a bit. They prefer in the first term if you say goodbye at the door and leave, but otherwise encourage you to see preschool as a partnership with their home environment and to treat your child there as you would at home ie if they're upset and need you to calm them down they are happy to let it happen. Equally though they do read when it's better for a parent to just go as a child needs to settle and it can't happen with the parent there. But they're much better at it than telling off the parent. They adopt a positive 'ok, come with me then x child, let's wave at the door and then I've got a really good idea for an activity that you can help me with'. All v positive and child-centred.

I'd be cross tbh. Especially if other parents sometimes hang around. Sounds like the TA handled it much better. Not a lot you can do though. They're set up the way they're set up but I'd be miffed at being spoken to like that.

friendlyedjit · 01/03/2011 10:33

This is what 3 year old amongst lots of other things are just fantastic at!
I'll bet he was completely fine a few minutes later... and here you are in a stewy mess.
I'd try and put it out of mind...and when you pick him up just ask perhaps if he settled down quickly as he has found it difficult like i'm sure many children do after half term. It is always tricky to know the best way to proceed when they're doing the "cling-ons".
I've had the opposite in the past when I know the best thing is for me to leave but noone supports that- and it just prolongs the agony for all!!
Try and have a better day, and hope fo a better tt tomorrow...

friendlyedjit · 01/03/2011 10:34

"better start to tomorrow" and breathe!!

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 10:40

friendlyedjit he was fine before i left because i didn't leave just because she told me to anyway

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ShowOfHands · 01/03/2011 10:49

friendlyedjit, I think there's a big difference between a child who routinely clings and is actually fine once left and does it through habit/manipulation (I don't think this is necessarily problematic anyway, just a comforting routine) and a child who isn't clingy as FlipFlop says, but has an off day and needs reassurance. Don't we all have off days? I know when dd needs extra encouragement or a gentle extra cuddle some days because I know her. I don't particularly like the implication that all 3yr olds are playing games. Yes, chances are they'd then be fine if you just walked out, but in an individual situation where you know the child in question and know a couple of minutes of reassurance in a one off situation will make the transition easier for everybody, why not?

IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 10:54

I really dislike the intimation by a lot of teachers and parents that three year olds are capable opf conscious manipulation.

If they are being manipulative, they are only doing it to try and get their needs met.

Totally with SoH on this (and nearly everything else)

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 11:00

ShowOfHands i completely agree. Its feels to me that a lot of people expect too much imo from very young children. My ds had feelings and is pretty capable of explaining to me what is wrong. We wouldn't just ignore and walk away from an adult in that situation.

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MmeLindt · 01/03/2011 11:01

Perhaps the teacher would just like to get on with the day, and is getting impatient with parents hanging about.

Not saying that she was right in being a bit short with you, but there is a time when the children have to get used to being left. I don't think that 3.7 yo is too young to learn this - especially since they have the 15 minute rule.

My DC went to Kindergarten from age 3yo and having the parents hanging around was frowned upon as it disrupted the children.

missmapp · 01/03/2011 11:02

I think the teacher was a bit unfortunate with her tone and choiced of phrase, but I think the advice to 'just go' was correct. When I left my two at nursery and they were a bit clingy , I would just peel them off and go, knowing they would be fine. I woyuld see other parents taking longer over goodbyes and wondering if that actually made it harder when they left.

I think she could have been kinder with her words, but I think leaving promptly helps your child settle better

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 11:03

MmeLindt get on with the day of playing with playdough, nursery rhymes and running about outside? It's hardly like they're preraring for GCSEs. And it was approx 3 mins. Not much of a hold up really.

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IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 11:04

BurningBunting, I hear you and I just want to say don't doubt yourself, your attitude is right.

You will probably meet with a lot of resistance to it during your child's schooling, but stick to your guns.

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 11:05

missmapp I know my son and he was going to start blubbing if i was to have just left him before he was ready. I know some children are better to have leaving time ripped off like a plaster, but my son isn't was of those. He was fine when i went.

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MmeLindt · 01/03/2011 11:07

Even nursery teachers have a day planned. They were waiting to start circle time and you were making everyone wait, as I understood it.

You have 15 mins to say goodbye to your son.

IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 11:07

Missmapp, as I tried to explain, it does sometimes make it easier and if it makes it harder, the few minutes won't make any difference anyway as the child is simply not ready to be left imo.

I have had both sorts of child.

A few minutes makes the world of difference to ds2, in a good way. He doesn't 'need to learn' to be left, at 3. He really doesn't. He needs to learn that I won't ignore it if he is upset, and I'll stay till he doesn't need me.

Ds1 really needed me for more than a few minutes so I stayed for ages, then we tried leaving him, because it wasn't improving, and that was hopeless too, so he stopped going.

He waltzed into school without a hitch a few months later. He just wasn't ready at the time.

The 'staying making it worse' is a big ol' myth.

wonka · 01/03/2011 11:09

DS 3 had a day like this a couple of weeks ago, Playschool were lovely, but I just took him home, he never cries going in so I figured he just needed a day with me, he's been fine since.

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 01/03/2011 11:10

But you aren't saying bye during that time, you are helping them sign in (write their name) and playing etc. They aren't stupid, they know you aren't going until the bell goes so that's when you say bye. He has clung on to me ONCE since the first two weeks of starting, so i don't think i'm wrong to ignore his feelings.

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ShowOfHands · 01/03/2011 11:13

Ingrid, we should start a mutual appreciation society. I'm having a badge made with 'wot Ingrid said'. The 'wot' is an ironic, old-school nod to graffiti of days of yore.

I think it's like a lot of things with parenting. You knew what was happening to your child and if felt right to offer that extra couple of minutes of reassurance, you responded intuitively to your child. Peeling dd from me and walking away would grate against every instinct I have. It would feel wrong. And I wouldn't let another person tell me to parent that way.

When dd went to preschool for the very first day she went in happily, waved me off and was prepared for the day. When I went to collect her she saw me through the window and her face crumpled. Ordinarily, you wait outside for the children to file out but I was allowed straight in and dd flung herself at me. I am lucky to have a very erudite child who could explain that she had loved preschool and been very, very busy but when she'd seen me it had 'bubbled up inside her how much she loved and missed me and she hadn't even realised when she was busy'. Now, they could have made me wait outside and forced dd to file out. And she'd have learnt a lesson that there are strict rules. But instead she learnt a more important lesson, that sometimes the way you feel is more important and needs addressing now. That the day for lining up and standing in a queue and obeying the rules, isn't today. That there's time for that and room to acknowledge your feelings today.

It's not always about ignoring 'rules' or not learning a lesson, there are other more important lessons.

And 3 minutes to cuddle a 3yr old? God yes. More of this.

JeremyVile · 01/03/2011 11:14

If this was a routine occurence then you would need to find another way to deal with your sons wobbles. But it isn't, so you don't!

You knew how best to handle it. You did fine.

I'm sure the teacher recognised that your ds is not usually unsettled and you obviously felt he needed a little extra reassurance - she was probably just a bit stressed this morning and it came across in her tone.

You did the right thing, as you say, he's only 3.

IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 11:19

What we teach them NOW resonates throughout their lives.

It's vital we get it right.

Showy, can I get one with 'wot Showy said' on it, too? I am so up for that.

as long as I can sometimes take it off in S&B

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