Pre-school want to have 'shy' ds assessed

[lecce]

Ds (3.9) has attended the pre-school attached to his old nursery for 15 hours a week since January. He has always been a talkative child and when he first started there we recieved a report saying how confident and chatty he was with both staff and peers- and this seemed to fit our view of him.

However, by about April something seemed to change - he stopped being enthusiastic about going and started saying he didn't want to - this had never happened before - as a baby, toddler or pre-schooler. I started to notice that, when I picked him up, he was never playing with, or even near, other children and seemed to be mooching around on his own.

whenever asked he would say that he didn't like pre-school but staff always said he was fine during his time there. A few times I have raised my concerns with staff and they have always said that he is fine and more of an 'observer' than an active member of the group. They have also said they feel that other children don't play in the same way that he wants to so he would rather play on his own. I suppose this would be fine if it weren't for the fact that it is so differentfrom how he was before.

Our last parents' evening was about a month ago and they said pretty much what I have written above. However, today the teacher told dh that they are going to get him assessed due to our concerns. She stressed again that she is not worried but said that the nursery manager thought it would be a good idea.

Does anyone have any experience of this and know what they would be looking for? Is it likely to mean they are concerned that he could be autistic? I will speak to the teacher myself tomorrow but I am so concerned now and would really appreciate hearing others' experiences before then, if possible.

We don't have any friends with similarly aged children, I work full-time and dh is sahd so never really got into toddler-groups and I now worry that our failure to provide play-dates etc has caused some serious problems. Ds sometimes tries to make friends in parks etc, which we try to encourage, but he is easily put off and seems to imagine rebuffs where we can see none.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

What are they going to 'assess', it's blatantly obvious that the child does not want to go to preschool??!!!
Tiz' mad.
A perfectly confident, happy and chatty boy has turned into sad lonely soul.
Preschool is not mandatory, your DH is sahd - why are you forcing your son to go to preschool when it makes him unhappy????
Socialising[boak] children is utter bolloux - they do not need it at that age.
What they need is security and love.

Do they mena 'obeserve' rather than assess? Is someone (maybe Early years Senco) wil be coming in to see others and they nursery felt that they should observe him too.

This is what happended to DS2, although he was and still is a bit of an observer rather than joing in immediately. He is now in YR1 and although it worries me a littel, the school have no concerns and he does have friends, even is he chooses not to play with them in the playground a lot of the time .

IME, I would say go with it. Just because they will observe him, does not mean he will be diagnosed with anything in the long run.

OMG, excuse the spelling errors. Typing too quickly

If you only think about how he is at home... Would you be worried?

Ds2 is a charming chatty soul at home and with friends but (like his brother was at that age) is painfully shy in bigger groups. Tis just his personality.

It does sound like he is just unhappy there. Maybe he would prefer a smaller group. If you don't know anyone with young children why not invite one of the other quiet children from pre-school over to play or even ask on here (on your location board) to meet up with their DS.

I really have no such experience. But I remember reading somewhere that if someone is very shy it is not a problem (I know many adults trying to find faults in me for being extremely shy as if I was abnormal). If again someone is very extrovert it is not a problem either. However, if someone used to be very extrovert and then all of a sudden changed to being shy -or vice versa- then it is a reason for concern.

I remember me being very chatty at home but never with children at the nursery and during the rest of my life unless I knew them extremely well. But I was ALWAYS like that outside my family. You are saying that your son was used to speak to everyone but he suddenly stopped.

Does he still speak to the teachers? My son's teacher's have said that he plays with the children and even bosses them at times but he generally prefers adults because he can ask them endless questions and that he is very mature for his age. Maybe could it be that? Also since I can remember myself I used to like listening and observing others as I think I lack imagination so I found others interesting. Moreover, do they challenge children who snatch toys etc? I also remember me not wanting to confront other children about taking ALL the toys and teachers not encouraging fair sharing and turn taking. As soon as someone told me "I won't be your friend anymore" or any type of excuse that's it, I would listen.

Hopefuly it is not the case but if the teachers don't encourage fair sharing and turn taking (it is part of the EYFS, anyway) it can make a child's confidence plummet :(

What's he like at home? And how does your DH interact with him? If he is happy at home then maybe your DH should arrange some play dates, it's not that difficult to chat to the other parents taking / collecting from nursery.

On the whole men don't seem to talk so much in general, although of course this may not be the case with your DH. There was some interesting research published this year that showed where a woman worked and the dad stayed home, the child's attainment in primary was not as good as their peers with a more traditional set up - dad working full time & mum working but taking the lead on childcare. I would anticipate that part of the reason for this may have been that some DHs were home because they were unemployed rather than making a positive choice to be the stay at home parent.

I may be totally be barking up the wrong tree here and it does seem something significant may have changed in April; was he ill, did he have a change of nursery carer, did you increase your time away from him?

The pre-school aren't in a position to say a child should be assessed fro autism. They may have some concerns about autism but it would be very unprofessional to express that to you. I wouldn't worry about it unless you feel he struggles a great deal with things like changes in routine and understanding that other people have their own thoughts and feelings.

Did your DS play well with other children before he started at the nursery? He may not have done this but it would not have caused anyone concern because 2 year old children often still play alongside rather than with each other. Could it be that the other children have moved on in their play and he is finding it hard because he has not?

One thing you can be sure of is that he has not been damaged by a lack of playdates. Young children need social interaction to develop but this is just as valuable with adults as it is with their peers. You have nothing to feel bad about on that score.

marking my space to come back tomorrow when i have more time and am awake enough to answer :)