I've been told that ds2 (2.11) is hitting, not doing as he's told etc..

[Shodan]

I was pulled aside today by the head assistant as ds2's pre-school to be told that he is 'hitting other children', 'won't do as he's told', 'wouldn't sit down at music time with all the other children' and other things. She also said that he couldn't concetrate on things. On a previous occasion when she pulled me aside for a chat she asked if he could talk yet because he wouldn't talk to her. (He can talk perfectly well but sometimes chooses not to). The way she spoke made it sound as if this is what he does all the time, rather than specific incidents. She even called over another assistant to ask her to tell me what ds2 was like. The other assistant said that ds2 was very 'tactile'. The head assistant then described an incident where ds2 had wrapped his arms around another boy's waist and pulled him backwards, which the other boy didn't like. It wasn't clear whether the boy had fallen over or just had been pulled back a bit.

The head assistant also said that ds2 would scream if they tried to make him do something they'd told him to do, if he didn't want to do it. She said she wondered if ds2 ws getting anything out of going there.

I have to admit, I was a shocked and a bit upset. Ds2 is energetic, can be loud if tired, can refuse to do things sometimes, and can be rough when playing with his dad or (much) elder brother.

But not all the time. Usually he is keen to do things, plays nicely with his cousin (who is a year younger), talks and listens well, can concentrate on tasks for quite long stretches of time (puzzles, 'reading' books, telling stories etc). Any incidents of snatching toys from his cousin or too-rough play have been reprimanded and all has gone well.

I am now going to be going in on Monday- their suggestion- 'to observe' how ds2 is there. But what should I do? If he doesn't behave like this at home- and he doesn't, mostly, and when he does he is dealt with appropriately and consistently- how can I teach him that that behaviour is not on?

And to what extent are the assistants responsible for teaching him these things? It seems to me a bit unusual for a whole group of children of this age to be behaving as she's implying- no snatching, sitting quietly when told for as long as they're told, doing what they're told and so on- but am I totally wrong?

I am a bit flummoxed, tbh. He behaves well when he's going in, he always has paintings, cookery stuff etc to pick up when it's hometime, and other assistants have said good things about him. The second assistant today said that he was 'very clever, he knows numbers up to twenty' and that he loves storytime and will sit totally still looking at the storybook. There just seems to be such a difference of opinion.

Argh. Sorry about the epic. Any help/advice most gratefully received...

I suppose children who have been at nursery before attending the pre-school might be more used to following a carer's instructions. However it does seem a bit odd for the staff to not have established strategies for dealing with this. Your DS can't be the first lively child they have had.

When you go in on Monday, will your DS know you are there? Or will you be able to observe him while out of his sight? If her knows you are there he might behave differently to when you are not there.

In your situation I think I would ask what there strategies are for getting him to do what they want. If they can't give you good answers I would be worried about whether the place is really suitable for him.

He'll know I'm there, Running- it's just a big hall with different play areas set up. That's one reason I'm a bit confused- I thought it was more of a playgroup-style set-up, but what they seem to be asking of him seems more appropriate for older children.

You probably right though- I think he will beahve differently with me there. And the assistant who seems to be the main one with a problem with him isn't, I believe, there on a Monday. So I don't know how much use it will be.

Lively is a very nice way of putting it- thank you- and it certainly describes him perfectly.

He went to a creche at my gym regularly before- two mornings, an hour or so each time- and all I heard from them was that he 'kept them on their toes' but never anything like hitting or screaming. In fact he got bitten quite badly there once by another child and apparently didn't even retaliate.

I've asked my MIL to come too- she was an infant school teacher for many years and is likely to be more dispassionate about this than me. Not that I'd tell them she was a teacher- I don't want to put anyone's back up- but I would appreciate her opinion on how the staff handle things.

Does the pre-school seem very busy and noisy? Your DS might be getting distracted by different activities going on. Why would he want to go and sit down in one place if he can see other children doing an activity that her perceives to be more fun elsewhere in the hall?

I think different types of pre-school / nursery work for different children. So if you really don't like what you see on Monday it might be worth considering a move.

Well, exactly, Running. And they're only, waht, 3 weeks into the term? Maybe this woman just doesn't really take that on board.

It would be a shame to have to move him, though. He does love it and what's more, he can see the place through our front window so I think would be quite unhappy to go elsewhere.