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Should she be annoyed with nursery?

37 replies

nappyaddict · 26/07/2010 12:49

My friend's DD (3.10) still occasionally has a dummy. Last week she was upset before she went to nursery and asked for it. Her mum had tried to get it off her before she went into nursery but she got upset again so she let her go in with it. When she went to pick her up her DD was hysterical because the staff had taken it away from her as soon as she walked in the door and wouldn't let her have it back. They told her off, made her sit in the naughty spot and put a sad face on the behaviour sticker chart.

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ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 13/08/2010 15:33

I don't think any 3.10 yo needs a dummy at all, and I have a big pair of judgy pants reserved for parents who let children of this age have dummies.

However.

My son went to a lovely little nursery school when he was coming up to four. He hated being separated from me, and the one thing that made it bearable for him was being able to sit on his pillow and cuddle blanket. The staff were utterly lovely, and accommodated this - along with the various whims of the other small children in their care. They treated the children as if they were their own.

He still has the pillow and blanket now, and he's 8, so I have no right at all to have judgy pants about anything really. He doesn't take them to school any more, though. Grin

If the nursery school had put him on the naughty spot and given him a sad face for anything to do with needing comfort, I'd have been fuming. The idea of it just confirms why I dislike the idea of mass childcare.

nappyaddict · 13/08/2010 16:32

Neither are nappies but some kids are still in those at 3.10 and it doesn't seem to have any negative impact on the other kids.

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knickers0nmyhead · 15/08/2010 01:56

I think nursery did the right thing in taking it from her....tbh, I don't think any comforters should be allowed to be taken into nursery, but that is just me.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 15/08/2010 18:19

That seems hard-hearted, Knickers. And I speak as a generally hard-hearted mummy. As I said, I loathe dummies. But I would be far more bothered by a nursery that didn't accommodate the emotional needs of children who are still very small.

knickers0nmyhead · 15/08/2010 21:06

not hard hearted, really. I just think at nursery age a child needs to learn that comforters arnt for school.

Dont get me wrong, i dont agree with how the nursery handled the situation, but i stick by my original comment.

I wouldnt expect 3yo dd to take her flopsy, as her bedtime comforter is called, to nursery.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 15/08/2010 21:46

Oh ... I just think they're really very little at 3. They will spend so much time at school, sticking to school rules and so on, and it seems a shame to treat them as school children when they're still very small and essentially dependent on the kindness and humanity of their carers. But I also think that 3 is very young to start with nursery at all (though I do acknowledge that the child in the OP is coming up to four).

curlymama · 16/08/2010 15:08

I'm with benandoli. Although I don't agree with how this particular nursery handled the situation.

My dc's have never had dummys, but if they had and were still attched to them by the time they started nursery, you would surely prepare them for the fact that they can't have the dummy whenever they want. If I had made loads of effort to wean my dc off a dummy or told them that they were just for bedtime or whatever, then another child turned up being allowed to have one whenever they wanted, I would be mighty pissed off! It would send the message to my child that

a)if you made enough fuss you can get what you want
b)mummy is actually wrong and it is fine to have the dummy at nursery

And the difference between a cuddly toy, or blanket as a comforter is that neither of those things cause speech delays, and they can be incorporated into other types of play. Things like that are usally found in settings anyway, dummys are not.

nappyaddict · 16/08/2010 16:12

Well my child has a speech delay. It doesn't seem to have had any negative impact yet on the other children. In fact it has taught them to listen more carefully and empathy in trying to help DS find what he needs.

curlymama So would you not be happy if the nursery's rule was that comforters have to stay in bags/in a box etc but were allowed out for a very short amount of time and then put back straight away if a child asks for it?

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curlymama · 16/08/2010 19:43

I didn't mean that a child who has a speech delay would have a negative impact on other children at all, and that's not what I said. I work in a pre school and we have had children with speech problems, it has had no impact on the other children at all, positive or negative, but that's really not the point.

We would encourage all children to put any belongings (comforters or just toys) that they bring in in their own trays, and encourage them to leave them there until it's time to go home. Unless it's circle time and they are showing the others, or using things like photos. We tell them it's to stop anything getting lost or broken, especially if it was a comfort toy that was of special importance to a child. But if a child was very upset and needed a cuddly toy to calm them down I would have no problem with that at all, because they would probably be recieving individual attention if they were upset anyway. Then when the child was less upset, the cuddly toy can be given a job like 'teddy can sit up here and watch to make sure we are playing this game properly' or ' can we use your blanket to keep this baby (doll) warm?' You can't do things like that with dummys, it simly has to be taken from the child and put away. You can distract them, but surely most pre school workers would try and do that anyway, and an intelligent child will see that they could play most games with a dummy in their mouth. I would be much less inclined to give an upset child a dummy, and would definately not allow a bottle. This would be for the reasons I gave above, it's just not fair on those children who have been told that they can only have their dummys at bedtime, or that have recently been weaned off them in preparation for going to nursery. What are parents expected to say to a child that has been persuaded successfully to leave the dummy at home when they get to nursey and see that someone else is allowed? There is also the added thing that children who like a dummy will often be happy doing most activities with a dummy sticking out of their mouths, which if we are involved in cooking or messy play, is just not hygienic. If they are playing on the climbing frame and running outside, it's not safe. It's harder to understand what children are saying if they have a dummy in their mouths, so communication between other children and adults is hindered. If every child was allowed to suck a dummy, we would spend alot of time tring to get them out of mouths to hear what they were saying or to do other things, and we would spend alot ot time trying to match the right dummy to the right mouth. Even if it were only allowed for a short amount of time, we would still have to coax the thing out of their mouths at some point, and that is something that parents should do, not pre school staff. It would simply be impossible if every child had a dummy. They are not allowed at school, and I think the transition to big school can be hard enough for very small people, with out that being the time that they also have to give up their dummy. That's one good reason why it should be taken away way before then. If they know they are not allowed a dummy at nursery either, then they only have to cope with a much shorter time without it, and in an environment where other forms of comfort can be easily given, unlike in a school.

Bottles imho, shold never be used as comfort past a year of age, it teaches children that food equals comfort, which could easily result in overweight children and adults who don't have any other way of relaxing themselves.

nappyaddict · 17/08/2010 01:38

curlymama I wasn't speaking to you about the negative impact. It was a different poster that said about that :)

"But if a child was very upset and needed a cuddly toy to calm them down I would have no problem with that at all, because they would probably be recieving individual attention if they were upset anyway. Then when the child was less upset, the cuddly toy can be given a job like 'teddy can sit up here and watch to make sure we are playing this game properly' or ' can we use your blanket to keep this baby (doll) warm?' You can't do things like that with dummys, it simly has to be taken from the child and put away."

You can't give a blanket a job either, so would you not allow a blanket for a few minutes whilst a child was very upset?

I just don't see why one child who happens to have a cuddly toy as a comforter should be allowed to have it for a few minutes when they are upset but another child who has a dummy as their comforter can't. Surely you could coax it out of them by offering them a drink or something to eat, by playing a game blowing bubbles, or a singing game or a game making funny faces or funny sounds etc. Then when they've forgotten about it, it can go back in the basket/tray/bag or whatever.

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curlymama · 17/08/2010 10:31

Nappy - about the nagative impact thing - sorry, thought you meant me Smile

I just think it is slightly different when it comes to dummys because lots of parents do try to actively wean small children off of them while they are still very small, whereas they don't do that with cuddly toys or blankets. They tend to be things that the children wean themseves off as they get older. So I do see your point that it's unfair on a child that uses a dummy as a comforter rather than a toy, and I haven't got an answer to that tbh. But I do think that dummys are intended for babies, toys are intended for children of all ages, so there is a differnce. And I would be inclined to be more sympathetic to the plight of the parents who had implemented a strategy to get their child to not need a dummy (for their own good) by the time they were of pre school age, rather than that of those parents who hadn't bothered.

And you are probably right that there are ways to coax a dummy away from a child, but it is harder because what do you do when a child would rather have their dummy than blow bubbles or make faces. The children with dummys often spend more time attached to their comforter than those who use a teddy.

It is a hard situation, and I think we will probably just continue to disagree, but I just stongly feel that it is a parents job to coax a child away from their comforter, not the practitioners. Honestly, in a three hour session when we already have so much to do, notes, observations, general paperwork, organised activities, helping children dress, eat, toilet, it can be hard enough to get time to just play sometimes without having to add something else in. I know that might sound a bit harsh, but it is the reality, and it is really in no childs best intersts for the pre school staff to have to deal with dummys.

nappyaddict · 17/08/2010 11:12

See I'm of the school that children give these things up by themselves usually (with a bit of gentle encouragement). This has happened with my friend. Since last summer she has gone from having a dummy constantly in her mouth to rarely having it at all, sometimes now not even at bedtime. This is due to my friend starting to put it away when her DD left it when she woke up and distracting her when she asked for it. Only if she couldn't be distracted would the dummy come out. Over time her DD forgot about it more and asked for it less. If she had it when she was upset she started to take it out more quickly and get on with something else. But on rare occasions this wouldn't happen and my friend doesn't stress about making her because most of the time she does it by herself.

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