when do things become "normal"

[hildathebuilder]

My DS was born at 29 + 3 after a placental abruption. He is now 2and half weeks old corrected. We came out of NICU then SCBU after 53 days, but he was admitted back into paeds just after discharge with a possible apnea (possibly caused by reflux) then got hypothermia as a result of A+E's air conditioning! After a routine visit to my gp yesterday we once again spent the day in A+E as the GP decided that DS was unresponsive (he's had a big feed an hour previously - not sure what she expected when he was in deep sleep) and didn't know how to advise me about his reflux meds given how tiny he was - so just referred me to hospital. Eventually we got the answers I'd gone to the GP for and the hospital did seem to think that the GP could have been more helpful.

He's healthy and given his gestation does not have any ongoing problems apart from the reflux. Problem is I really don't seem to like being a mother. On occasions usually after the 2nd or third hour of DS refusing to settle when I am trying to eat something vaguely healthy to keep my energy up I think I would cheerfully take DS back to the hospital and leave him there (I never thought that when he was in NICU or SCBU). My husband is helpful but gets angry with DS when I get upset - which of course makes me more upset. (He would never do anything to either me of DS though just rants a bit then calms down)He also always does the last feed so I can get some sleep.

Everyone tells me things will get better - but then they all said it would be better when DS was out of scbu and its not at least not yet. At the moment it seems pretty relentless and very boring, is this normal, is this all motherhood has to offer. DS is getting more responsive and we have had a few smiles and one giggle this week. BUT its not enough. I try to get out every day, and meet new people (I never really got to know many other mums as I missed my antenatal classes and there was only really one mum in scbu I got on with in the 8 weeks we were there)but its hard. the others at mums groups tend to have older and certainly bigger babies who do things, but those with newborns aren't out and about yet

At the moment I feel like this is a half life. I don't know that there's much more I can do for DS (I am happy I am not a bad mother to him and that his needs but physical and emotional are met) BUT I repeatedly feel I just want to go back to work which I really enjoyed. I've been off three months now, and the months DS were in hospital that was fine but now he's home I feel so stuck here with him, lonely and lacking any stimulation.

Does it really get better and if so when? do you ever really get to enjoy being a mother when its had such a rocky start?

Hilda, I found it hard to have the same bond with my prem twins as I did with my full term DS - months in an incubator really doesn't help. I felt a bit like I was going through the motions of being a mother once they got home.

As they've got older, now 18 months, it's got easier, and it's been "normal" for ages.

Will come back later, they're bouncing all round DH's office, destroying things, just wanted to reassure you that it does get better, much much better. Brilliant in fact.

I think when they are in hospital yo get by, yo ride on the srss & adrenalinee & you havto cope. Your emotions (not to mention hormones) are all over the place.
It is common to feel as you do, you have been through a huge trauma now youa re at home it will "hit" you iykwim.
Give yourself time.
Although you have had your ds for nearly 3 months he is still only a couple of weeks old developmentally, so a few little smiles is great (ds2 was about 5 months before we saw a smile).
Other mums of newborns are still nursing stitches & gettign used to nappy changes, so youa re streets ahead already.
It does get better, it does become normal but if you are struggling go & speak to your HV or have a look at the BLISS website & give their helpline a call. Don't soldier on be kind to yourself too.

Hilda first of all congrats on the birth of your strong little man.

Like you i had no antenatal classes to meet people because like you i had my DS early - 30 weeks.

If your anything like me there is still the anger and grief to contend with; also it is really hard to bond with a baby in SCBU. How can you when you have to ask permission to hold your baby? However things do get better i promise. I can't say when in my case. But it has happened. The love i feel for my son now; well it makes feel like jelly. It is brill. I watch him and feel so proud. He has come so far. Yet i will admit that i am still scared that it will all go wrong again.

Hang on in there and keep talking to anyone who will listen.

PS My DS is 6 months corrected on the 23rd.

Hilda, Congrats, it sounds as though you have had a really tough time but have a lovely DS.Like you I found it tough after the birth of my twin boys at 28wks. They were 3lb and 2.6, so good weights for gestation but I'd had an awful pregnancy with cholestasis ( itching) which led to weight loss, depression and isomnia in the 2 mths leading up to the birth.
I found I grieved the loss of a normal birth experience ( we ended up 40 miles from home) with our 3 yr old left with grandparents. It was very tiring and stressful and yet one yr on we have normality!!!
My boys are now huge and don't look as though they were ever prem, one is 18lbs and the over is 21bs.
The reflux was awful too. It was awful until around 7mths and now at 13mths has more or less stopped.
It does get easier - try to get out as much as you can and don't feel you have to explain to everyone. Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. It is just hard to appreciate this when you are tired, stressed and worried. Take care.

I'm back, and been thinking about this today - Hilda, is DS your first child? When I had DS at term, the doctors handed him to me and I felt an immediate rush of love, started to feed him straight away and that was it, he was my baby.

My 28 week twins were born and immediately put into Tesco freezer bags to keep warm and then straight into an incubator, and it was a week before I held one, and a fortnight before I held the other, and then they were covered in tubes and wires. The main thing I remember feeling is so sorry for them and so guilty that I hadn't carried them for longer.

What I'm saying is that I missed out on that "just given birth" hormonal bond. By the time they came home we'd well and truly missed that. It has come though. I can't put my finger on exactly when, but it definitely has. And when I'm with one of my children I think "you're the most wonderful child ever" and then when I'm with another I think the same about them - and I feel no different towards the prem ones and the term one.

As Thomasmad said, be kind to yourself. You've had a really hard time.

One other thing is that, for me, newborn babies are a bit dull, compared to when they're say 1, and are brimming with personality. Some-one suggested that you should get your maternity leave 12 months after a child is born, and I agree (although we didn't have a solution for what to do with babies before they're 1, so don't think it works in reality!)

Take care x

thanks for your messages. yes ds is my first child (after a rare type of ectopic pregnancy last year... I clearly find staying pregnant an issue ) I'd waited for years because i was never sure whether I wanted children, sometimes I'm still not sure.

I certainly never had the "just given birth" bond. I spent the first few hours with no news about DS expecting that he may not survive. I suspect I was at some level trying to protect myself and I spoke to DS about how we'd cope if he didn't as well as trying again

I often think I am coping, but then again I suspect that telling myself I am may be masking just how difficult I find it, especially the boredom. But if it does really get better at some point then hopefully i'll get to find I enjoy it one day.

" At the moment it seems pretty relentless and very boring, is this normal, is this all motherhood has to offer"

This is completely normal, even for mothers with full-term babies, very young babies don't do much do they it's a relentless round of changing nappies,feeding and sleeping - very boring. Yes it does get better, first they learn to smile, then they learn to sit up etc. I have to admit I would cheerfully farm mine out until they were at least a year old.

First of all Hilda - congratulations on the birth of your boy.

Secondly, I could have written your post (or most of it) myself last year. My DS wasn't as early as yours (33wks) but he was in SCBU for a month. When I came home, after all of the initial "getting him home" stuff wore off, I found that I was sat in the house a lot thinking: "Is this it?" I was NEVER one of these mums who was happy to sit in the house and "be at one" with my baby. I needed to get out and about, meet friends, go to the shop - anything! You'll probably find when you get chatting to mums that slowly but surely most of them admit that they were the same.... for some reason we feel guilty if we don't want to spend every waking moment listening for the next coo or gurgle. I can't tell you when you're going to feel better, but I promise you, you will. Go easy on yourself, you are perfectly normal. Be proud of the 3 of you for coming through such a journey.

Congratulations on your little boy Hilda I'm sure the trauma you've been through has a lot do do with how you're feeling now. If things don't ease up maybe you could chat with your Health Visitor or GP (or a NCT worker etc.). It is possible you might have post-natal depression. Having had a premature birth automatically puts you in a high risk category.
My dd was premature (30 weeks) and though I loved her straight away the bond was not the same as it was with ds (born term)because I had to prepare myself for the fact that she may not survive and because I couldn't hold her much to begin with. I was completely exhausted by the trauma of her birth, the NICU experience, being separated from her and expressing milk around the clock. I had some very low moments I can tell you. And when dd came home I was scared stiff when dh went to work because of the responsibility of looking after such a small, delicate human being. Having a newborn baby is exhausting enough anyway (constant feeding, they cry a lot) so the premature thing just adds even more pressure. It does get better though The first smile, the way they respond to you when you comfort them, their interaction with you and close family/friends, weaning.............etc. There's a lot to look forward to

Oh and reflux is very stressful! dd had it and was in a lot of pain (hence cried quite a lot)til about 3 months old. The pain seemed to stop at that point, though she continued to be sick (a lot) til she was 10 months old at which point it stopped. Bliss Not sure if it's linked to the reflux or the prematurity but I had to rescusitate her at 10 weeks of age as she choked when I gave her some gripe water. That was scary. Your ds has had an episode of apnoea which he needed to be hospitalised for as well as hypothermia - so I'm sure all this has contributed to how you are feeling now. It's not what you signed up for when you conceived!