feeling guilty

[evitas]

Hi all

my DS was born at 35+4 and he's now 9 weeks. He seems to be putting on weight well, but he always very distressed with wind. While he's sleeping he's always moving legs and arms and making noises. Nights have been very exhausting because although he seems asleep I can't get into a proper deep sleep, because I find my self always checking on him. I found that if I hold him up sometimes he burps and then have 10 our 15 minutes of a quiet sleep. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I look at him so agitated and distressed I just want to cry. I feel so guilty for having had a premature birth and not being able to reach the 40 weeks, or at least 37. I feel it's my fault that his digestive system is immature, that it's my fault he's not resting properly...
Sorry about this post, but I just needed to share this.
xxx

Mine was born at 32 weeks and I too constantly have feelings of what I did wrong to make him come early, how I could have changed things, feeling cheated out of a normal birth etc etc. I think its quite normal to feel this way. I contacted the hospital to request a copy of my notes, and then I went through them step by step with my midwife. It was upsetting but did help me put things in prospective.

You poor thing. Look - this might have happened whatever his gestation - I have a friend whose baby was like this and she was born post 40 weeks.

You did nothing wrong - you didn't make yourself have an early birth and you mustn't reproach yourself. You do sound very tired - have you got support - people coming round to care for him so you get a bit of a nap or a break?

norma to feel that way but not sensible. in particular it is distracting you from the message that many term babies are like this. Focus instead on whether he might have some reflux so that keeping him upright for a time after feeding or raising the head of the cot might help. Also that you need to sleep whenever possible because sleep deprived new mothers (virtually all of us) don't think straight.

evitas what you are experiencing is completely normal for someone who has had a premature baby. Feelings of guilt and 'was it something I did?' or feeling cheated of a term birth are all completely understandable and natural.

Premature birth usually happens outside of the control of the mother and is often nothing to do with anything that she has done. There is probably nothing you could have done to prevent it.

I think perhaps talking to your health visitor or phoning BLISS might be beneficial as you sound quite upset by it all still.

Btw, even term babies have problems with their digestion so it's not exclusive to prems

I had my LO at 24 weeks while we were on holiday and believe me, I've felt everything that you have. You do come through it though. Don't be afraid to talk to someone if you feel it helps.

HTH

Thank you very much for all your kind words.

I have a lovely healthy little girl born at 28 weeks 8 years ago. Please look at an article I recently came across which I found helpful. It deals with ambiguous loss and articulates really well the mish mash of emotions felt and underscores how normal all this is when you have an early baby. Wishing you and your baby all good things
www.prematurity.org/baby/ambiguous.html

Babies that are very active when asleep can wake themselves up through this motor activity. Try swaddling just his legs with a light sheet. By giving your baby this extra support, they can often achieve that restful sleep you want to give them

Hey,its ok to feel like this,anything that differs from what we accept as norm is traumatic.

Youve had a really worrying hard time and a major thing has happened its ok to feel a bit iffy.

I had a baby in SCBU 16 years ago and I remember sitting there amid all these teeny tiny babies with him a wackin 9 lb 3 baby just thinking to myself how did my body let this happen?

It might help you to speak to your GP you might benefit from a bit of counselling- and these early days with a baby at least the first 15 years are all very up and down .....

evitas- hope you're feeling a bit better now?
DD was born at 36 weeks and then DS was born at 34+5. Please don't feel guilty- the Drs told me I probably just have babies early and that's the way it is.
I'm sure that your baby's windiness is nothing to do with him being early- his digestive system will be pretty much formed by then. Some babies are just windy! DS was a much better feeder and sleeper than DD despite him being that bit earlier. I think it helped that he was my second so I was more patient with winding etc. Lots of babies make lots of movements when they sleep. (Have you tried swaddling-mine didn't take to it but lots of friends swear by it).
As I said, please don't feel guilty. DS (and DD) started of small but DS, now 16 months is the chunkiest, strongest little boy around!