Feel like everything is slipping away

[Geepers]

My twins are 5 weeks old tomorrow and were born at 23 weeks 5 days. They are in a hospital an hour away from home.

I can't really describe how I am feeling, I just feel detached from everything. The last couple of days I have been on the edge of tears constantly and can't deal with everything.

At home I feel like a spare part. My husband takes over, the children don't need me, my husband deals with everything (cleaning, feeding children, housework etc) and leaves me in bed thinking he is helping by letting me rest but really I just feel left out and not needed.

At the hospital I just sit there, watching. The babies can't be held, are still on ventilators, still not making any progress. One baby is so sensitive to touch I can't even touch him as his oxygen levels fall.

I feel like I am waiting for them to die, just watching them struggle every day. I feel so guilty that it's my fault they were born early. Every day they are stuck with needles numerous times, they can't breathe themselves, the chances are good that they are never going to be 'normal'. I feel guilty that I am just prolonging their suffering and that I should have just let them slip away peacefully at birth.

Today I haven't even mustered the energy to go and see them. I just want to get into bed, curl up and cry.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It is entirely understandable that you feel awful, but it sounds like there are a few things you can do to help youself. Can you talk to your DH? Explain to him that you appreciate his understanding and patience but that you need to keep busy and involved. Your older children still need their mother and surely keeping involved in family life will help you to focus on something other than your pain. It must be truly awful watching your babies in their incubators and being unable to hold them. However, don't torture yourself by thinking you should have let them 'slip away'. If you had done that you would have spent the rest of your life wondering 'what if?' and wishing you had given them a fighting chance.

You can do something for your babies, even though they are only 28 weeks old they know you are their mother, and they recognise you by your scent and voice. So when you are with them , talk softly to them. While you are at home, take a clean muslin and put it down your top close to the skin of your breast area. This skin smells like the amniotic fluid in the uterus. Ask the nurse to place the muslin under your babies head so that they can smell you near to them.
Keep a journal of what is happening, because you will find it very hard to remember in the coming months and in six months time this will help you make sense of what is a very confusing and stressful time.
Every mother feels that they should have done more for their babies. Mothers are programmed that way, so that every day they get up and try harder than ever to be the best mother they can.
I do hope that tomorrow is easier for you

I hope you don't mind, but I've been reading your blog, and following the boys progress.

I was in NICU with my 28 week twins, 18 months ago and had the same sort of feelings as you describe. I found it really hard to share them with those close to me, because it didn't seem right to say them out loud.

One day at a time, I think is all you can do, and keep busy, or curl up and cry, whatever you need. Those raging hormones don't exactly help either, when you can't hold your babies.

Sweetheart, I have been following your blog and am constantly struck by how well you are doing. The stress that you are under must be so immense. No wonder you are exhausted by it all.

Do not be too hard on yourself, and never at any point think that it was anything that you did or did not do that caused them to be born early.

You are needed, both by your family at home and your babies in hospital. Your love is what has brought the boys this far.

(((hugs)))

very unmny {{{{hugs}}}

How are you doing today? Are you going to see your boys?

Still feeling very teary. I'm not going to see them, I feel like I am going crazy. God, if anyone IRL knew I felt like this I'd feel so ashamed.
My husband is going later after his meeting. I really do love them, so much. I wish I could tell DH how I feel but when I try he just thinks I am mad and should see a doctor.
Having a baby should be the happiest time in a woman's life. Everyone asks how I am but they don't really want to know, IYKWIM? So I say I am fine, but I'm not fine, I just want to cry.

Geepers, thinking of you and your boys - I think it is because you love them so much that you feel this way, my ds was a premmie baby and it is v isolating and I remember feeling resentful and angry and upset that everyone else could hold their babies and take them home and I could only look through a ventilator at him.

Take each hour and day at a time,
Have you decided on names?

Jx

Geepers
My DC were not premature but I did suffer from PND. It would not be unusual for you to feel sad, and to struggle with your feelings. Your emotions must be all over the place. Even without the added hormone crash, it is an incredibly difficult time for you right now.

From what you have written, and from your DH's posts on your blog, he comes across as being very understanding and loving towards you.

Please, speak to him. Tell him of your feelings and perhaps you could make an appointment to see a doc. You are not crazy, but you many be suffering from PND.

Is there some kind of counselling offered by the hospital?

I hope you're okay. My dd was prem and I found it so hard, like you dh took over and although rest was what I needed, it was very hard. I don't know what to say really, except, you're not alone, it is hard, but you will come through this time. Each day is a little milestone in their lives. Have you given them names yet? Would it help to talk to someone about how you're feeling?

I have been reading your blog too Geepers, your boys are beautiful

5 weeks is a hard time, I was for me too. NN is a long old slog, it feels like you are going to be there for ever and you have been though it all before, you must be sick of it all.

I think some PND is almost to be expected when your dealing with such an ongoing hard time. It isn't your fault. Them coming early was not your fault, how could it be ?

You are doing brilliantly. You blog is so bautifully written and with such obvious love. Your new boys and your older children need you, your husband loves you.

Is there any chance of them being transfered closer to home ? the journey must realy be adding to your stress.

all my dcs have been prem - not as much as yours so i can't pretend to know how hard it is for you, but dd2 was a 27 weeker - and i can well remember that after the initial 'up' of her being born, everything really just plateaued after a few weeks, it was almost like i was on autopilot - i could have driven to that hospital in my sleep. i can still remember the sick feeling every morning when we rang to see if she'd had a good or bad night. a horrible, difficult time and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. have you looked at the Bliss message board? it is full of people who've been through similar experiences and a fair amount who've had babies at a similar gestation to your boys. i never posted much but even now, 3 years later still look and am amazed at the journies some of our babies go through. and no one will judge you for not visiting - there were many days when i wanted to stay in bed all day and not see a soul (or that damn expressing machine).