Friends baby was stillborn at 24 weeks. I have a newborn. I feel so guilty.

[PrammyMammy]

Firstly i am so sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but i am not sure where else.

I have a almost 2 year old ds and an 8 week old dd now. I am 23 and none of my friends have kids. When i was pregnant a girl i work with fell pregnant too, and we obviously developed a friendship. She was so excited and i loved listening to how happy she was, glowing over her scan photos etc.

When i went on my maternity leave, i last spoke with her on the Sunday, and she was so happy, was moving out of her mums house for the baby coming and talking about what pram/moses basket she wanted.
The next week, after i had dd, i went into work too see everyone and heard that she had went into labour on the Wednesday, was in all night and her ds was born on thursday, still born.

That was 8 weeks ago, i went into work today because i knew she was back at work, i actually walked passed the first time because i wasn't sure she would want to see me. When i went in she cried straight away, and i gave her a big hug and said i was so sorry. I told her i was here for her and would always be if she needed to chat or anything. She didn't look at dd in the pram obviously, and we didn't mention that i'd had her or anything. I really don't know what to say. I hope she does realize i am here for her if she needs me.
I left my work and walked through the shopping center crying, and i don't have anything to cry about.

Would you avoid passing work (it is in the shopping center so i pass once a week at least) Or not mention anything? I don't know because i've only known her a year, and we only got more friendly when both pg.

It sounds to me as if you have done the right thing and have been very thoughtful.
I lost DS2 at 22 weks and whilst seeing new babies is hard, it would be worse to think that people were avoiding you.

You seem like a good friend.

Whatever you do it will be hard. When my dd2 was born, exactly 1 week later dh's cousin's little boy was stillborn.

You just need to always be available and not push your own happiness, everything eslse needs to happen on her schedule, to her timescale.

Enjoy your baby!

Try not to feel guilty as you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I would try and do what you would normally do and I would send a bereavement card.

You are obviously caring. What happened to your friend is very sad but I'm sure she was very touched by your kindness. Try not to let it get in the way of your enjoyment of your newborn baby. She will need time to get over what happened. She's back at work awfully early. I gather you are not in the U.K? I think still birth entitles women to the same amount of maternity leave as women who have had a live birth.

Ladylush, she was 23weeks+, closer to 24, but it was classed as a miscarriage, i am not sure on how they decide these things, is it under 25 weeks? It was my manager that told me that so i guess that is why she is back at work? I'm in scotland btw.

Oh that is tough Maybe 24 weeks is the cut off.

Just looked at the direct gov website - it says maternity leave is granted if baby born after 24 weeks or if baby born alive at any time in the pregnancy.

Ladylush you don't get any maternity leave unless you hit the 24 week mark as I understand it. Speaking from experience that sucks, especially if you have uncaring employers like mine were!

You sound like you are a good friend PrammyMammy, my friend was due the same time as me however my son was born at 22 weeks. She just brought him in as usual to show him off and although it hurt it was ok actually, it was better than her hiding him away - for me anyway, others may feel differently. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to look at him much or hold him but I was ok with seeing her in passing etc.

bluebump, sorry your employers made things harder for you, i've heard some bad stories about my manager but she has been very supportive and lovely.
It is so reassuring hearing from you all, knowing i hopefully done the right thing not sneaking past and i am sorry for anyone in the same position as friend.

Hi,

You sound like a lovely friend who cares. When my DS was stillborn (also at 24 weeks) I had several people where I worked with babies due the same time . I found it incredibly hard, tbh. People can be quite insensitive because they don't know what to do or say, or underestimate the enormity of what has happened to you because they never saw or held your baby - but you don't sound like that at all. I would be prepared for her to find it hard to see your baby, and not take it personally, and if you want to help her I would avoid popping in unexpectedly with your baby for people to fuss over (this is what I found hardest - not knowing if I would be confronted with a baby at a moment's notice).

hi there prammymammy

i am in the same boat in a way.. i have a friend who i met on here and was so happy to becoming parents due 2wks apart. however my friend sadly lost her angel anabelle at 32wks ..... my baby was born at 35wk and is healthy and fine. Her Angel was born sleeping 2wks later.. I have terrible guilt as she is such an amazing woman and would have made the perfect mummy ...

She has posted her Angel pics on here and fbook and i just feel total sadness as she was her 1st baby and wont get to see/smell/feel what i do atm.. omg how i would love for her to have her angel in her alive in their arms but i just dont know what to say.. i lost my siamese twins at 12wks so know how it hurts yet i'm try to be here for her ie sending her best wishes and asking how she/they (her DP) are. but i think she may just not want to hear from me being i am a reminder of mumsnet chats etc.. Do i just not say anything or still every now n then ask how they are??????????????????
if i dont i wouldnt want her to think i've forgotten Anabelle or her
But if i do risk upsetting her as i dont know how she truely feels bout it.. she may not even give it a sec thought but i really dont want to upset her..

at the beginning i cried alot for them and everytime i looked at jorgia i felt love yet grief for anabelle (still feel the latter..) i will never forget her and really hope one day the grief my friend feels will get easier and try again for another baby

sorry to blurt this but i needed to get it out..

My Best Wishes and ((((HUGS)))) to your friend on the loss of her Angel XXX

I hope ur lil angel is doin well hun
congratulations on DD

t care

Strikeuptheband - sorry to hear about ur loss too
XX
Hope u r doing ok hun XX
t care