How can we support our friend who gave birth 3 months prematurely?

[Orange3344]

She has a long journey ahead of her in the NICU and the baby is doing well under the circumstances but having the expected ups and downs. We have sent her some gifts and offered to chat, but we're not physically there or able to be as she lives abroad and far away from family. Anything that really helped that you would recommend?

I had 2 babies in NICU someone got me a £20 coffee voucher for the hospital cafe honestly I appreciated that more than anything anyone gave me!

That's a great idea!

She's in a very heightened state of stress, understandably, and it's hard to do anything significant from afar, so we're trying to do little things that add up to make a difference.

Where is she? We were early and was v difficult for some families I saw re getting food, I was lucky as bf and expressing so got meals but other mums didn't, how's she getting fed?
You're a lovely friend thinking of her like this.

My baby spent 111 days in the NICU,

I really appreciated a voucher for a local supermarket for my general food shop - maternity leave started early and I wasn’t prepared financially

also i appreciated the people that checked in - just a little “thinking of you today” but without the expectation that i needed to reply to a message

also celebrate the achievements with her, however small - baby moves to a cot from an incubator ? Oh my gosh that’s amazing !

the hard part is when baby is discharged home , she will need you the most then xx

thank you!! It's a bit of a mix, she has a long term room at the hospital with some access to a kitchen and they're giving her meals but I know that she's buying stuff at the shop there and the occasional supermarket shop too.

Definitely regular messages and vouchers for nearest coffee shops/ supermarkets.

This is really helpful, thank you! It's sometimes hard to get the tone right and not bombard with too many messages. The celebrating is such a good point and something I'll focus on! I find the emotional side is the hardest one to support from afar as the whole thing is so traumatic.

It’s very kind of you to want to help. My friend sent me a big goody bag of food to keep me going when my little one was in NICU. If you’re close enough to visit I’m sure she’d welcome some washing doing!

These are great ideas, I might look into laundry services etc and a more personalised hamper of stuff as well as the vouchers others suggested.thank you!!

The fact you’re so concerned in getting it right shows you’re being a good friend . I lost two “friends” during our NICU stay as they just stopped reaching out to me.

shes probably going to be emotional and distant and probably won’t be able to focus on anyone else’s problems but her own - bare with her if you can, I’m 3 years down the line and still struggling with the trauma from the NICU.

world prematurity day (if you’re UK) is approaching soon - it’s a purple ribbon, the “tag” is small but mighty, so you might find something sweet if you look that up.

also if you haven’t heard of bonding squares and a premature octopus - it’s basically a fidget toy for NiCu babies to drop them pulling their lines out . I treasure my sons even now.

x

like others have said, food vouchers, maybe Amazon vouchers, food hampers, supportive messages that don’t need a reply, maybe a little gift for mum and/ or baby every so often to show they are in your thoughts (a book to read to back, something nice for mum etc). What lovely friends you are

@Orange3344 I will second what others have said above about the emotional side of things I’ve lost friends unfortunately our nicu journey ended horrifically with the loss of both our girls within days of each other and I’ve lost a lot of friends because I wasn’t emotionally there for anyone! Just being there and not expecting anything from her will mean everything to her!

Deliveroo vouchers, very handy for those evenings you can’t face cooking x

What a gorgeous friend you are @Orange3344 shes very lucky to have you!

My baby was in NICU for 99 days and was the hardest thing ever; I completely checked out - didnt see friends much, didnt want visitors, wouldnt reply to messages so thinking of your friend like this is really lovely.

I agree with others, finances become a big worry. So whilst shes on this journey not having to worry about that would bring a tiny bit of comfort. Vouchers for food, petrol money etc.

Also, dont know the circumstances but maybe buy a breast pump!? In my hospital, I was lucky for a short while to be able to have one of theirs but it wasnt wireless so was hard at times, eventually bought my own which was great! X

I had a NICU baby (although nowhere near as long as some pps) and our friends bought us a Cook Food new parents meal box - 28 frozen ready meals that could just be microwaved. Maybe you could see if there is something similar in your friends country? It really took the pressure off.

I have also seen NICU milestone cards on etsy (today I came off the ventilator, today I could be held etc). I wish id had some as I took very few pictures of that time, and actually, 4.5yrs on, I wish i had more. Perhaps having milestone cards would have encouraged more photos.

For your friend herself, handcream / lipbalm as its incredibly harsh on skin due to the air and repeated handwashing.

Otherwise, just messages with no expectation of a reply and celebrating the small wins.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that on top of that you went through hard times with friends at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and I wish you all the love and the support xxx

Just want to thank everyone who has replied to this thread, especially as most of you have shared such personal stories and feedback. Thanks to you all, I am now educated in so many premature baby items which I'd never heard of and are being purchased now along with the vouchers and services. I was finding it hard that we hadn't bought her the usual baby gifts under the circumstances so these ideas are so good. We might also look at clubbing together to get her a better breast pump.

Will always bear in mind when messaging her that I should word it in a way that doesn't need a response unless she wants to. And celebrating everything small.

Thank you all Mumsnet community! xx

My son was in Nicu. I think I would have appreciated vouchers for food/coffee. Maybe a small pamper pack to just try and chill when I got home from being at the hospital all day. Maybe a diary so she can take down milestones etc? I did it on my phone but I wish I had a little journal.
Make a dinner so she doesn’t have to worry about cooking when she’s home? X

Signpost her to the sensory beginnings website ❤️