I failed my 34 weeker

[Matthew54]

i just need someone to listen.

i am an expat in the UK and just gave birth to my son at 34+5 days gestation. Where im from originally, that’s an automatic week NICU stay. Instead, I was sent home after 72 hours even though my son was lethargic after receiving photo therapy treatment.

Two days later and we are back in the PEDs ward at the alleged best hospital in the city because the NICU and post natal won’t take him since he has been discharged.

I hate the midwives that discharged him despite my concerns. I hate that everyone keeps asking if he’s my “first baby” as if I’m overreacting that he needs to be treated for jaundice for the second time in less than a week. I hate myself for not carrying him despite no signs there was a problem before.

i am terrified he has brain damage. His room isn’t finished. And all I can do is stare at him on a bili pad and pray there’s nothing seriously wrong.

Please be kind to yourself, you're doing a fantastic job. Becoming a mother is utterly terrifying. Simply overnight becoming responsible for a life is so much pressure.

You're feeling it ever more as you're little one is so tiny. Please voice your concerns to your Health Visitor or at any other appointments you may have. You need support.

My overdue baby needed almost 2 weeks in hospital as she had suspected meningitis and wouldn’t take her milk, I was desperate to go home but I had pre-eclampsia and issues with my blood pressure. If your baby needed to stay in, he’d have stayed in. The cautiousness around newborns is immense.

Those midwives that you say you hate are the ones who delivered him safely in a health service on the brink of collapse, hate is the last thing they deserve. However, that’s all by the by at the moment. You’re a new mum and your hormones are on the floor, coupled with a shock early birth. You haven’t failed him, he’s getting the care he needs and all the love in the world from his mum.

The (horrendously difficult) first couple of weeks with my little girl feel like a distant memory now, although it did take time to process them and it was so hard. In these early days everything seems like such a big deal when it’s not, especially when it’s your first and everything is new to you.

My daughter is well past it all now, she’s talking, running, laughing, playing and developing a love for biscuits and Baby Bels. See these first weeks and months out, the best is yet to come x

That's a really good post 😊

My 2 week overdue baby needed photo therapy after an extremely bad (and mis-managed) birth where he was born with an Apgar score of 1 and had to be resucitated. he was in shock and wouldn't feed for days. He had jaundice for weeks and they kept just telling me to go for lots of walks (in December, in the snow) They also did not admit us to NICU despite him being born dead after a shoulder dystocia. I worried about brain damage for a long time. However, he is 18 now and about to do A levels. Try and relax, what's done is done and chances are he will be absolutely fine. First births in this country (and probably many others) are an absolute car crash, you have my symathies. I went on to have 3 more, if that is any consolation, which were much easier (different hospital).

It will pass, you will get home, the milestones will come and in time it will become more and more just a very distant memory. It doesn't feel like it now - but it will.

DD1 was technically a 33 weeker. I say technically as the clocks changed the week before she was born and if they hadn't done, she'd have squeaked into week 34. She didn't need much from NICU - a couple of days as I recall but needed time on the ward as she wasn't feeding well... but she was jaundiced, treated and eventually discharged as she was hitting her feed requirements and then it looked like the jaundice was going to reappear and I was fucking terrified of being readmitted to a ward with her (we were appallingly treated by the post-natal ward - the hospital currently has a massive investigation going on into maternity provision during the period she was born) and I spent days with the poor bugger sat right by every window going trying to fend it off with every ray of daylight I could muster - not much in a British Spring!

The point is that now, yes, according to her I fail her existence every single day by lousy wifi, parental boundaries, insisting she throws out trousers that are now flapping around her kneecaps instead of her ankles and if I haven't been told I've ruined her life five times before breakfast - I'm having a slow day. As the years go on, less and less of it really matters - the birth, the NICU "journey", whether they were breastfed or NG tube fed or whatever, whether you did babyled weaning or whatever else!

Hi all,

Thank you for the kind words. Sadly our son is now suspected to have meningitis and our stay will be prolonged. He has been on antibiotics since we arrived, and I am hopeful he will be alright and not have any brain damage.

Matthew54. I’m so sorry your little one has suspected meningitis. I hope the antibiotics get to work quickly and he soon starts to pick up. What a horrible time you’re having. Get all the support you possibly can and look after yourself.

That's awful. I hope he is going to be OK. Are you able to be with him?

Ah I’m sorry OP, I’ve been there myself and remember feeling both hysterical and crushed at the same time. With suspected meningitis that’s exactly what it says on the tin, it doesn’t mean he has it. In my baby’s case, she had an infection before she was born, but they couldn’t determine it exactly after a blood test and lumbar puncture etc and couldn’t rule out meningitis so they treated her as if she had it. Her infection markers came down quickly once she was on antibiotics.

I was so frightened, the word is a scary word but it doesn’t mean catastrophe. I hope he’s feeling much better soon.

yes, currently in a private room with him.

he is still feeding well and has gained weight since his stay, I am hopeful he will continue to improve. His infection markers were always low, so there’s the potential he doesn’t have meningitis.

Matthew54. It’s good your in your own room and DS is feeding well and gained weight. That’s a great sign. Hope he continues to keep improving and it’s not meningitis. I hope you both manage some sleep.

My 34 weeker is now a bright funny happy 13 yo. She also had jaundice and suspected meningitis. Like you medical professionals made mistakes in her treatment and she was made sicker because of it. Like you I blamed myself for not insisting, and got treated like a neurotic first time mum when I was right and there was something wrong.
It was the hardest time of my life and it was incredibly difficult to deal with. It's very isolating have a premature baby and at 34 weeks everyone says they will be fine, which is so unhelpful when you've already had so much go wrong as I certainly didn't feel like statistics could be trusted when so much that shouldn't happen already had. Be kind to yourself- your hormones will be going haywire, you're sleep deprived and you have a poorly baby. It is ok to cry. Reach out to people you love and trust for support. Focus on your baby, but remember that you can't look after him if you don't look after yourself too.

That's brilliant that he's feeding well and putting on weight. You are doing really well. I really struggled with bf dd1 and had to mixed feed in the end.

I'm surprised they let you go home. I had a nicu stay followed by a stay on the ward and I was begging them to let us go home and they said no. That was a 35 weeker.

You didn't fail him at all. It's not the same but my baby was born at 37 weeks and they also had jaundice, which required a 5 day hospital stay and suspected sepsis. We were discharged but back in hospital on day 2. It was a horrible 5 days with a lot of worrying. They spent 2 nights under the lights but all was fine in the end and no lasting side effects and infection markers came back low on day 3. I know it's hard but try not to worry too much, your baby is in the right place to get the right care he needs. Wish you well.

All the signs are positive, he’s feeding well, gained weight, sounds like the antibiotics are doing their job.
Having a prem baby is a shock, like being thrown into the deep end of a pool and you’re frantically treading water. This will pass, you’ll look back and be proud of how you cared for your son and came through this together.

OK that's all sounding so positive. You'll get through this.

Hi everyone,

Bit of an update. My son has gained to the point he is only 5% below birth weight (was 9.1% at home) and is off the bili blanket for the moment. He’s becoming increasingly alert and ravenous.

My husband remains convinced he will suffer from brain damage as our son’s namesake died from meningitis, which broke my heart. My husband loves music and the idea that Baby could be deaf sent him into sobs. But we have seen no signs that is the case and everyone who saw him before we took him to a&e commented that he handled like a healthy baby with jaundice, not a critically sick baby with meningitis. I sent him home for the night and hope a good nights sleep will help him. I’ve also been asking the nurses to reiterate that there’s no clinically observable signs of brain damage at this point.

Appreciate all thoughts and prayers.

I have to say your husband's response will not help you stay calm. Ir, you'll have to keep it together because he's fallen apart.

If your child is deaf, they will be fine. Different, but fine. Or he may have excellent hearing and be completely uninterested in music!

I don't understand about your son's namesake - is this a baby you had, or a relative/ friend's baby?

Maybe you need to choose a name that doesn't bring so much emotion with it? It's a lovely idea, but it's the kind of decision we make before we have a real live baby in front of us who can get sick, and have their own "journey" or challenges of some kind.

If your dh is going to refer back to the previous baby at times like this, it will make life hard for all of your, not least your son.

I'm not being insensitive, I have a very similar experience.

Meanwhile, just to reassure you, staff will constantly ask if this is your first baby. Some of them might be diminishing you, but most of them need to know for other reasons; how much you already know about babies, if you've had a pre-term baby before, if there are other children in the house.

It will happen for the next 18 years 💕

Well done with the feeding, and try to keep your cool. You've had a very rocky start, but try not to let that colour everything, going forward.

Your husband sounds completely unhelpful and hysterical, the obsession with brain damage isn't going to help anyone. I understand, my son was born at 28+3. You need to forget about worrying about things out of your control. I would also rethink his name. I honestly don't think it's healthy to name a child after someone else. They are their own person after all.

How scary for you both.

Wishing your baby a full speedy recovery x

Omg come off it.
My comment about the hospital being disgusting was about her treatment not the cleanliness and you know it.

You changed it to your own narrative to suit your little story.

Do you always twists people's word to suit your own narrative?

How silly of you. Absolutely ridiculous.

This is a support thread for an OP who’s having a difficult time, please don’t turn it into a heated thing about a post read the wrong way.

We named him after his uncle who passed away young. It’s a lovely name, but I agree it’s triggering my husband. He has two middle names, so I may call him one of those instead. Very common in my culture.

I am breaking down a bit just due to exhaustion. If anyone has any books they’d recommend on preemie development I could share with him I’d be very appreciative.

I agree. He has also never been around an infant and doesn’t understand that sometimes babies make weird noises! And it’s okay!

I am having my private midwives speak to him later and making him write all his questions down so he can ask them all at once.