AIBU to feel overwhelmed on DCs first bday?

[Arcticlife]

[Trigger warning, difficult birth]

I guess I should just accept that this is the way I feel, but really wondering if anyone else has experienced the same?

DC turned one today. Along with a few big life changes, meaning that a celebration isn't such an easy option right now, I secretly just feel very overwhelmed at my own feelings over the anniversary of a really horrible day/period for me.

I got COVID and went into premature labour at 34 weeks. Involved a few ambulance trips, plus air ambulance (I'm not UK based), then baby being flown down for 10 days in a larger children's hospital due to complications (suspected NEC) and then a further month in NICU. Feeding tubes, difficulty stimulating milk production etc etc.

I was seriously ill, on top of this it turns out I also had pre-eclampsia. Birth was ECMS requiring a few blood transfusions and 2 hours of surgery after baby was delivered.

This whole drama meant being away from older DC for a month.

All together a pretty shitty time. So today, as much as it's a triumph that we're all here and all doing great, AIBU to just feel massively overwhelmed at being forced to revisit these horrible memories.

Managed to hold it all together at the time, but looking back makes me realise how incredibly hard it all was.

Anyone experienced the same on the anniversary of a crappy birthing experience?

Yeah i did. I had extensive cbt and emdr to help me get past it. Please be kind to yourself. There's no right or wrong way to feel.

Yes, I know the feeling and I’ve heard other mothers of preemies talk about it too. I think it’s normal that the first birthday reminds you of the experience; also the child doesn’t really care about the birthday. The second birthday is easier because you are more focused on the child. I had a lot of recurring nightmares about the time before the birth but after the anniversary they stopped.

Thanks, yes, totally agree about the baby not really caring/understanding about it being their bday. Older DC is only 2.5 so also doesn't really understand. So like you say, it definitely changes the focus.

I had a relatively ok birth, meaning it was still like being tortured but nothing unusual. (says a lot!) Had a debrief but knew I didn’t need further councilling.
However to my great surprise on her first birthday I went for a walk down the street after her bedtime and found myself weeping and shaking and had to sit on someone’s garden wall.
it’s a thing.

@anotherscroller so glad it's not just me then!!!

Should be more discussed imo!

@Arcticlife , it’s definitely not just you! Sorry you’ve had such a difficult time.

I also had a traumatic birth and found the Birth Trauma Association very helpful, specifically their closed Facebook page. Lots of women there provide each other with peer support if you’d like to talk to people who have had similar experiences and who “get it”.

I also recommend therapy but appreciate that isn’t always easy to access.

Yes op this is definitely a real thing. My DS turned 1 in July after a similarly traumatic birth and months in NICU and SCBU at hospital away from where he was born. I thought I was fine but found myself being very shouty at my family in the morning and then bursting into tears in the evening and couldn’t stop crying. I really sympathise with your words about looking back and realising how hard it was and how traumatised I was. My memory is quite blurry now about the whole first 3-4 months. It’s very strange.

I definitely had mixed feelings on my DDs first birthday after she arrived 8 weeks early and it brought back a lot of memories. She’s 5 now and it’s got better with time and I think about it less. I’m part of a Facebook group for premature birth and irs quite even talked about on there.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. It's been a strange day!!