Feeling sad

[Glamour1234]

Hi all is anyone else struggling to cope since having their baby? I gave birth prematurely at 33 weeks to a lush baby girl and I love her but I am struggling to cope. I feel like I am a rubbish mum. I am struggling to breast feed her and have been expressing and using bottles. I did a day of actual breast feeding yesterday but the night was awful, non stop screaming and would not settle at all.
I feel guilty if I leave her for 2 seconds and haven't been brushing my hair, teeth or eating properly. I'm crying every day and feel constant worry, guilt and hurt at why I am not grateful and enjoying every precious minute.

Hi OP

We're so very sorry you're feeling this way.

We want to give this thread a bump for you, in hopes someone will come along with some useful support and advice.

As ever, we would always highly recommend seeking real-life help too.

Ok, first things first- you are NOT a terrible mum! You are doing your best and you clearly love your** daughter.

When your left SCBU/NICU did you have outreach? Ours was amazing and organised lots of events for parents to attend- walks, coffee mornings, etc. it was so useful being able to meet up with other mums who had prem babies and just let it all out- lots of tears!

Secondly, I would highly suggest asking your HV or GP if there is a service locally you can self refer to for some counselling. Nobody, and I mean nobody, who hasn't found themselves in this situation can understand what you've been through, even if they are kind and sympathetic- it's such a unique situation.

Look after yourself, you're doing great and it WILL get easier

Hi OP, how old is your little one now? Are you at home or still in hospital? Do you have anyone with you?

My girl was also born at 33 weeks and it is hard. My advice may not be popular and may not be what you want to hear, but I would give up on direct breastfeeding. My girl never really got the hang of it and it caused me nothing but anxiety, wondering whether she'd actually taken any in.

Instead I fed her exclusively on expressed milk in a bottle. Pumping is a pain, yeah, but honestly I found it easy enough while DD was tiny, and she definitely found it easier going sucking from a bottle. She had such little stamina back then that it seemed silly to exhaust her by trying to get her to breastfeed when a bottle with the exact same stuff in it was available.

As she got bigger she began to get less tolerant of me spending 2.5 hours a day hooked to a pump and we switched to formula, but four months she had nothing but my milk.

Please try to be kind to yourself, you are doing wonderfully in a very difficult situation after a traumatic experience (no one is ready for a premature birth). I know it's hard but try to find some time for yourself. Have a long nap, a shower and your favourite meal, and you'll feel so much better xx

You sound like you are doing an amazing job, well done! It may not seem like it now but it does get easier.

The first few weeks/months are so hard. My little girl was prem and we spent just over two weeks in hospital with her, the hospital staff were fab but my husband had to use his paternity leave immediately after her birth so wasn't able to be around as much to support us getting into a routine when we got home (which would have happened in an idea world!).

The expressing, putting baby to boob routine is exhausting in itself and does take its toll on you emotionally and physically. We made the decision that my other half would do the first night feed (which I expressed before I went to bed) so I could get a chunk of sleep, we've discovered that he copes with sleep deprivation a little better than I do!

My advice would be to reach out to whichever professionals are still involved with you (outreach services/ health visitor) even if they can't do anything you will feel better talking to someone about how you're feeling.

You can do this

You need to take care of yourself. This is really hard. Probably the hardest thing you will ever do. So be kind to yourself. Getting through each day is a massive achievement. If you can shower and wash your hair it just might feel a little bit better. You need to eat, sleep when you can, get a break when you can. Speak to your health visitor or even book a GP appointment. Don't feel a shred of guilt for not enjoying this! Your happiness will come. You are in the eye of the storm, who could be appreciating that!?

This will get better. It will be a distant memory one day but you will be proud that you got through it and you will know, it was all worth it.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time @Glamour1234, a premature birth can really take the shine off the arrival. It will get better.
Are you a single parent? Do you have any other support? It's really important for baby that you're healthy and clean so absolutely OK to hand baby to their Dad or a family member whilst you grab a shower and clean your teeth, or some food. It's absolutely OK to bf, mix feed or vote bottle feed. Have you looked at pumping and then bottle feeding? I had to do that with all my three

I was very similar @CoalCraft and actually I quite enjoyed the process of pumping, gave me something to focus on.

Just look at these responses OP, these are all women who have been exactly where you are right now and we are still ALIVE, we did it!!

We can even find time to post on Mumsnet! 😉

Sending lots of empathy and hugs your way, you WILL get through this and you come out the other side stronger and more resilient than you can imagine.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.

I know how hard it is as I'm going through the same thing. My DD is 8 weeks old now and still not latching properly. I'm very sad about not being able to breadtfeed her but I'm expressing so she is having the breast milk.

If you are at home ask for help. Parents, siblings, friends, neighbours you name it. To help you with cleaning, cooking or just to hold the baby while you take a bath.

The baby needs a happy mum and as my Gp told me, formula is not a rat poison :-)

I have promised myself as soon as I can't manage it I will move to the formula. Is your milk supply ok?

Pm me if you want to have a chat Xx