New baby and partner wants to be praised for doing the bare minimum

[EmmaLFC]

Hi i recently had a premature baby, born at 28 weeks. He spent 7.5 weeks in hospital. I could only visit from 1-5.30 everyday then his dad did 5.30-7. Other than when he was born we couldnt even be in the same room together due to covid. It was hard travelling in everyday but i made sure i never missed any time with my baby.
He has been home just under 2 weeks now although 1 of those days he did end up in the childrens hospital overnight because he stopped breathing, i was allowed stay over night in this hospital and slept on a chair while dad was at home watching football and having full day and night to rest and sleep.
Ive noticed im getting really angry and frustrated at my partner. I express breastmilk and the freezer is full too. Every feed i get the bottle ready and add medicine, change the nappy and do all feeds except 1 at 4am that dad does but i still get up to get this bottle ready and hand it to dad in bed for the feed. I'm the one bathing baby, cleaning the house, washing and sterilising bottles, washing clothes etc, cooking our dinner.... my partner does 1 or if im exhausted maybe 2 feeds a day and might change 1 nappy and he still naps and sleeps during the night easily getting 10 hours sleep each day but he keeps telling people hes exhausted and if i say something he snaps and says i always critise him.
Hes been out golfing and out for drinks since baby is home and i have to ask him if hes ok to sit with baby while i shower.
My baby wouldn't settle last night, dad only got out of bed yesterday afternoon at 1.30pm and slept easy again last night so at 2am i snapped at him. He snapped back and now wont talk to me. I honestly feel like im doing this alone and i cant talk to him. He just watches sky sports news and is on his phone all day.
Has anybody else had this? Any advice on how to get him to help more without having to thank him for it?

Oh dear...you've had a tough time .
Might be be nervous ....?
Maybe sit down and work a little timetable out ..so you get a chunk of rest .
Is he working ?

Hes currently on paternity leave, he waited until baby was home from hospital to take it but as i said just watches telly and arranges golf with friends. More like hes on holidays from work.
I tried to talk to him last week and he got angry and threw a baby bottle from across tbe kitchen into the sink. I took baby upstairs and he later apologised and said he would help more but nothing has changed.
Part of me is thinking about asking his best friend to have a chat with him, also a new dad. But then im afraid he will go mad if i go to other people talking about him

He's such a CF of a man! It's not normal no. My DH runs the house and I mind baby (5 wks) I do all night feeds and he sleeps in the spare room but he does all the house work xx

he later apologised and said he would help more

Firstly, he’s not ‘helping’ anyone, it’s his child presumably so 50% of everything is his responsibility, if and only if he starts doing more than 50% is that then ‘helping’ you. Especially if you’re pumping you need time to relax and recoupe to ensure your supply is good. There is absolutely nothing more sexist than you doing everything just because you’re a woman.

Secondly, have the discussion in a calm manner maybe as the baby naps, but be clear about what you want out of it and think about what you’ll do if you don’t get the outcome you want. This is a fragile time and you are important, just remember that.

How are things now @EmmaLFC ? Better for you, I hope, and that your partner is stepping up more?

@notmarywhitehouse baby is home a month today. His dad has improved slightly but still complains a lot and im still the one doing all the housework. I don't know if you're aware of the health service being hacked in Ireland. All computers systems have been down for over a month so there's delays with everything. We were 3.5hours in one hospital for an eye exam, his dad waited in the car and snapped at me when we came out because he missed his golf tee time.
Baby is doing great though and thats all i care about. Thank you for checking in xx

Was that his ROP exam? Horrible, if so. Why on earth didn't he come in to support you?!

His behaviour really is not normal. Is this is first child?

Do you have family close by you can get round to help, perhaps it will shock him into action when he sees how much you do. I'm sort of appalled for you really, you're supposed to be a team.

Sending solidarity hugs to you, glad your son is well ✊🏻💐

@notmarywhitehouse it was ROP. Baby had it in both eyes and he had a laser procedure before he was discharged from icu. The appointment we were at last week was just a follow up. Due to covid only 1 parent or guardian is allowed in with baby for the exam.
He is our first child. I have tons of family around to talk too. My cousin has a 10month old and she says her partner doesn't help much either. Her son wont go to his dad at all just wants her all the time.
My weekend was bringing baby out for the afternoon yesterday, his dad was out golfing until 10pm then he was tired and had a sore back afterwards so i still didnt get a break. Today his boss and wife are coming over for drinks and to meet the baby, i wont be drinking, i will be doing the usual feeds etc and playing hostess. Tomorrow is father's day so hes going the pub with his mates. Then monday he will be too hungover to do anything.
I'm just so lucky that my little Angel doesnt scream or cry and takes his feeds well so at least i can rest when he's napping.
Thank you so much for your concern, it feels good to know people actually care and that I'm not just being a nag to my partner, that my complaints are valid xx

Oh my god 🙄 I mean, you'll be better off when he's back at work really won't you, at least you won't have to watch him be absolutely useless.

I'm glad your little one's eyes are ok, that's great! Such a stressful exam, sounds like baby aced it!

I have no advice really, but spending your first Father's Day on the bloody golf course is nuts, I imagine his friends were very 😳 even if they didn't say anything. Or they're all as rubbish as him!

Well, I guess you can free and welcome and invite your family over as much as you like and he will be able to say bugger all about it because they will pick up the slack that he should be PROUD to be doing. Honestly, I don't know what I'd have done without them, and my husband definitely does his fair share.

Take care of yourself, you're amazing.

Well done for doing so much

He sounds like a frustrating waste of space