Hi everyone. I’m a new mum with a 6 week old ds. We had a rough start and I was hoping that my experience would help other new mums who may be feeling the same way. Sorry about the long post, but here it goes!
My ds was born on the 15th April and I was adamant about breastfeeding. Unfortunately, my labour was short but traumatic. I had an episiotomy and even though they numbed me (apparently!) I felt the doctor stitching me up and was in agony. They decided to give DS to me for skin to skin as the stitching was happening. It was awful and my distress and tears made DS upset and he was given to DH. I was given pethidine which made DS and I very sleepy post birth. DS was only 5Ibs 7 ounces and very jaundiced too.
I stayed in hospital two nights to get help with latch and breastfeeding. DS was extremely sleepy and wouldn’t latch. It was so bad that they had to voluntarily suggest topping him up with formula as the hand expressed colostrum wasn’t enough. Eventually DS started latching and I was discharged on the third day.
When I came home DS was extremely unsettled, especially at night. He’d be latched onto me constantly and even after a feed he would be rooting for more. On the third night home it was constant and the cries wouldn’t stop. During this all, I was sobbing, hating every minute of breastfeeding. I was sore, my milk wasn’t coming in and my DS was hungry. At this point DH got the formula out and DS guzzled it down and finally settled.
Over the next coming days I tried persevering with breastfeeding. I got help from midwives who came home to see latch and said he was doing well. As DS had only lost 5% of birthweight and put it back on during the 10 day check they weren’t too worried.
Except my mental health was really declining by now. My DS would be latched on constantly, every 10/15 mins he would root and cry, he’d latch on for over an hour and still be hungry. A midwife suggested he may be using me as a comforter and suggested using a dummy to help. This helped a little but then he learnt to spit it out and just didn’t want it.
My mental health continued to decline and I was getting no sleep due to baby being up all night wanting to feed but never being satisfied. I would have super low moods in the evenings and just cry and cry and cry but have no idea why. I wanted to run away and I’d get frustrated with my DS which I truly feel guilty about now. It got so bad my health visitor made me call the GP who diagnosed me with Post natal depression and put me on 50mg of Setraline.
DS continued to be unsettled and at 3 weeks started to only have dirty nappies every other day. Something which really concerned me as it meant he wasn’t getting enough milk. By this time my milk had come in and there was plenty, so something was definitely going wrong with the transfer during the feeds. He was steadily gaining weight at half a pound a week which the health visitor said was less than she wanted. I also got mastitis when DS was 3 weeks which added to the stress and anxiety.
The antidepressants reduced the low moods quite quickly but the anxiety remained. When DS was 4 and a half weeks I decided to be kind to myself and see what would happen if I introduced formula. As soon as I started topping DS up with formula, he started settling. He also started having heavier nappies and having at least one poo if not more a day. I also spoke to DH and health visitor and talked about stopping breastfeeding. I felt super guilty about this and I felt like I was depriving DS of all the good things that breastmilk has.
But the guilty feeling wore off when I saw how happy my DS was. He was finally sleeping in between formula feeds, he was having real wet/heavy nappies, he was having 1 or more dirty nappies a day. It made me realise that even though all these health professionals were telling me I had lots of milk etc, there was something going wrong which meant DS wasn’t getting enough somehow.
My DS is 6 weeks now and is thriving on formula. I’m glad I spent all those weeks trying because I can confidently say I did my all. Breastfeeding didn’t happen for me, I felt really disappointed and upset initially but now just feel relief that my baby is fed and happy.
I want to assure new mums that it is okay to formula feed if breastfeeding doesn’t work out. There’s no reason to feel guilty. A happy mum is more important for a baby than a stressed mum. I’m in such a great place now and bonding more and more everyday with my beautiful boy. I wish I had been kinder to myself earlier on as I feel like I lost the first few weeks with my son. If I am to have another child, I’ll still try breastfeeding but I won’t be so harsh on myself and I know that not being able to isn’t going to be the end of the world.