Dealing with developmental pressure...

[MummytoaprincessXo]

The subject of this might not make so much sense (sorry) but does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the pressure of having your child keep up with developmental stages when premature?

In the back of my head I know she’s behind because she’s two and a half months premature but everyone else is commenting on what their baby can do (who might be younger or the same age) and it actually gets me down a bit.

I completely understand that all babies do things at their own speed but as she’s under one it feels like some stages are taking longer then others...

I’m so proud of how far my daughters come... she amazes me everyday. But I can’t help but feel like there’s almost a competition amongst parents when it comes to development stages.

Any advice would be appreciated?
I’m a first time mum and just feel I’m not doing enough

I've had the same sort of feelings as you with my DS. He wasn't premature (although early and low birth weight) and he has hit pretty much every developmental milestone late, usually just inside NHS guides for development but definitely far behind others at the same age. I thought that where he was slow on one thing he might be quicker on others (e.g slow to walk but fast at learning to talk) but that wasn't the case. What I have seen as he's grown up is that for everything he has been behind in he has caught up eventually.

I have a group of friends with babies born within 6 weeks of each other and one in particular seems to relish in her son being the first to sit up, walk, talk etc and now going to school first because he was born August and it used to really grate on me.

What I've learnt is that my child will do things in his own time and I should be proud of his development no matter what speed it happens. And that some people like to show off how advanced their child is which actually I know think is kind of ridiculous.

But you are right there is definitely competition amongst some parents but as long as they end up happy and healthy then who cares who walked/talked of whatever first.

If you have concerns ask your health visitor. They will be able to tell you if you actually have something to worry about and try to forget about comparing your child to others. It leads to unnecessary worry (trust me, I've been there)!

All the premie parents I know/have met give their babies adjusted age when asked- will say, oh she's 13 months but actually 10 1/2 months adjusted. And will tend to hang out more with parents with babies who were born when their child should have been.

Even with that, early development outside of the womb doesn't happen in the same way so your child is doing harder developmental work than all the other babies. Do you have any premie support groups/fb groups, things like that? I have a Facebook friend with premature twins and they clearly would have meet ups with other premature parents.

My best friends daughter ended up being born the day after mine, she was two weeks early, mine was two weeks late. Even now they're 18 months I think it gives mine a slight advantage. Most people I know wouldn't expect a child who was premature to be at exactly the same stage so is it pressure to it s putting on yourself? Do you not believe she'll catch up, or think other people are passing judgment?

@WhyDoesItAlways

Thank you for your kind words. It’s really helped knowing I’m not alone in feeling this way!

Unfortunately, the person in my life who seems to relish on their child being able to do things is my OWN family member. It feels done on purpose when I get WhatsApp messages ‘is (my child) pulling herself up yet?’ My child is not. And then I get a video through of their child pulling themselves up on the furniture even though I have not asked for it.

I completely understand being proud of your child achieving things but it doesn’t feel like pride when it starts with ‘is your child doing this? Well my child is’ if you know what I mean!

I think I will have a word with my HV just to see if she’s meeting development stages (as in all honesty I have no idea what they are haha)

@worriedmama1980

Sadly it’s family who are the worst for it and KNOW how premature she is and are still surprised when she’s not crawling, walking etc.

There’s a page for my local Premature Unit. Unfortunately any premature families I know where all 34 weeks plus and all there children are miles ahead of my daughter!

I just feel like people are passing judgement. She’s catching up weight wise (she was born less than the weight of a bag of sugar) but as soon as she learns to walk I believe she will be the same as all the other children.

It’s just comments like my child’s bigger than yours, has your child not learnt to do that yet?, my child’s been doing that for ages. Sometimes talking to people with kids is so stressful with this imaginary race!

I will look at seeing if I can find parents who have had children around the same prematurity though. I think it will help. Thank you

So to hear it's a family member. It doesn't sound like they are being thoughtless, more going out of their way to be rude. I don't really have any advice but to just ignore.

Unfortunately people do seem to view it as a race but as children get older their skills become more widespread than being able to sit, pull themselves up, walk etc. It'll be then that your daughter will show you what her natural talents are and she will have some wins.

The NHS has a birth to 5 timeline with some guidelines on development if your interested. I think it says somewhere on there to use their adjusted age.

I found it harder with my full term baby, but looking back I think it was because I was hanging out with first time parents! They were all full of what their kid was or wasn’t doing. When I found a group of friends with older kids or more than one then it was much more relaxed. It’s hard to compare kids of different ages as most people can’t remember exact dates. Those with multiple kids know from experience that it really really doesn’t matter.

For my prem baby (25 weeks) I always used corrected age for most things, and still do for development even though she’s 3 now. They never “catch up” with their actual birth date, their brain age is from due date. It’s just that the difference of a few months doesn’t matter so much when they’re a few years old. Plus prem babies will often be a bit behind even their corrected age because of all they’ve been through.

Personally I’ve blocked people on Facebook for boasting, but it’s harder on WhatsApp. I’d be tempted to reply to your family member with “no, she’s not pulling up yet, it’s quite normal for such premature babies, we’re thrilled with her progress”. Repeat each time.

There’s an excellent Facebook group called parents of preemies support U.K. where you could ask specific questions about development.

Sorry you are going through this - my ds is now 18 but I remember it well! In my post natal group there was my ds (31 weeks) and at the other end of the spectrum a baby born at 42 weeks who was practically sitting up at a few weeks old whilst my ds slept and slept and slept.

I'm afraid there will always be the competitive parents - in babyhood it's all about the crawling, walking, in toddlerhood speaking, at primary school what book band they are on...and so on. It's important to look past that, and also look at your baby's personality WhyDoesIt Always sums it up - they will do it in their own time. My ds was very slow to walk (because he could crawl at high speed) talk (because he waited until he could do a complete sentence). I remember an unhelpful Health Visitor commenting that 'sometimes these prem babies do quite well'. I would like to meet her again and tell her my ds runs competitively and secured an Oxbridge offer despite being a bit slow with his early milestones.

Don't get into the comparisons, it's not a race (or if it is, it's a long one!). Learn to smile sweetly and then ignore.

Many years ago I worked in child development - we were not worried if a baby was making some progress through the expected milestones but not following the textbook timings. As you know premature baby's often take a while to catch up but every baby is different. In terms of dealing with family members you may need to brace yourself for years of star of the week, 2nd in long jump, picked for maths challenge Facebook posts. I find people who are keen to boast about their children's abilities in this way are either very open and don't think how it affects others or are feeling unconfident or inadequate for some reason and this makes them feel good - their issue not yours. You can decide how you respond. " we just love our baby and are not really interested in comparing"

There is a fb group I'm on called parents of preemies UK. Its just for parents and there are babies from 22 weeks to 36+6 on there. It's a wonderful space and has been massively supportive to everyone.
My own son was 7 weeks early and is now 4 but has global development delay of 2 years.
Its really hard when people compare their children to ours but the one thing I always focus on is how far he has come. OK he can't talk properly ect but he is making progress every day and that is amazing.
I don't care what other people say about him as he has started so far behind and he is my little miracle