I feel sad

[goforit99]

Hi all,

Just some advise and motivation please.
I had my baby 3 weeks ago via emergency c- section, she is premature and has to stay in NICU, it kills me every time I leave her and I'm an emotional wreck the majority of the time. Even though she is in safe hands and in the best place, my heart aches, I watch videos of her and look at pictures constantly and my heart hurts when I see a video of her crying. I know it's normal to feel like this especially with not having my baby home but is it normal to feel heart ache majority of the time? The local midwives have said it's not PND as the circumstances around my pregnancy were not easy so it's a normal reaction.
Ahh I didn't think I would feel like this about a tiny human being but she is my life x

First of all congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby 💐
I don’t have any experience of a perm birth but I know how powerful emotions and hormones are after you give birth. I think what you are feeling is normal because we are all geared up to bring this little bundle home and protect them with our lives. You not being able to do that must be heartbreaking. Keep talking to people about how you are feeling don’t bottle it up. Cry when you want to scream when you want to just make sure you keep talking. Hopefully your little one will be home soon safe and well and you can then come and post on here about sleep deprivation and nappy rash. Keep posting as there will be loads of people who have been in the same situation as you and have lots of advise and comfort to give you. ❤️

My daughter was born at 32 weeks nearly 9 years ago, also by emergency caesarean.

What you are feeling is completely normal. I could have written your post. Those 2 months when my daughter was in the NICU felt like forever. Its a strange little world, with constant beeping of machines, the overwhelming smell of anti bacterial hand soap, not to mention pumping breast milk next to other mums. I felt my heart was in constant pain and that i wasnt yet a proper mum.

But it did get better for me. I would sit beside her cot and read stories to her. It was wonderful when i got to cuddle my daughter in the NICU - they call it 'kangaroo care' when they place your baby against your skin, which i always thought was lovely.

Don't be embarrassed to cry if you need to. Make sure you eat well and get fresh air. Take care of yourself.

I can highly recommend the charity Bliss as a source of support.

You sound like a very loving mum and i wish you and your family all the best.

@user1498572889 thank you so much x

@AllAboutHallowsEve ahhh those kangaroo care moments give me life, I do them everyday with her for hours on end, then I have to leave lol x
Wow 32 weeks? Mine was 27+4 but she is doing well. The beeping of the machines and constant smell of antibacterial etc really so get to me, I take relief from speaking to the other mums here knowing we are all sharing the same experience.
Thank you for your kind words x

Sending love. My daughter was 27+4 too. It was hard going but after 12 weeks I cried because we were leaving the NICU, believe it or not. I got so used to being there it was a shock to realise I wasn’t going back.
Things will settle down, you will get used to the noises.
She’s 10 now. Hard to believe it feels like yesterday still.

I 100% understand this. Both my DC have been Nicu babies. 1st born at 34+5, was taken straight to nicu, saw him for about 30seconds. He kept getting jaundice so was in just short of 2 weeks. I thought THAT was the most physically and emotionally draining 2 weeks of my life. I HATED expressing overnight. Then came 2nd... born at 35+1 was on the ward with her for 4 days. I cared for her, i held her, i fed her and it was lovely compared to 1st time. Then her bowel twisted and had to be transferred to another hospital for specialist care and surgery. I found this time much harder. Every hormone and instinct was screaming me at me that i should be looking after her, with the added terror of her needing surgery at a week old and the guilt of DC1 at home and not seeing him for 2 weeks, i was a wreck. She came home just over 2 weeks old. Then when she came home, OH went back to work as PL was finished, so had to jump straight into school runs and juggling them both by myself. NICU is shit, its hard and unless youve been there, its difficult to understand. Hand hold, and offer to message if you need a chat x

@Gin4thewin thank you so much for sharing your story and I'm so sorry you went through the terror of being an NICU parent. I'm so happy that things worked out although it didn't seem like it whilst you were going through it.
We will be in NICU for a few months until her due date! I feel scared, today we left her whilst her oxygen levels kept fluctuating, she had to go back on the oxygen mask! I need to remember she is still tiny and her little body can only do so much without help.
Thank you for your message and support! I pray I have the strength to carry on without going through some kind of depression because my heart hurts so much x

Dont feel like you have to be there every second of every day. Its ok to go have a meal with your partner or go to the cinema. The thing i was guilty of was forgetting i had just given birth. So go easy on yourself and remember hormones are flying in every direction. Speak to the nicu staff if your struggling, its normal and it is ok to feel like that. Nicu staff are much better to talk to than HV. There will be an end to itx

@goforit99. Good morning. How are you feeling today? I hope your little one had a good night. X

Huge hugs

Our DD was born at 34 weeks and spent 8 days in special care for breathing issues, it was without doubt the hardest days of my life!

The way you are feeling is completely normal, the amazing experience isn’t what you expected and that’s okay. I cried, screamed it was unfair and eventually made my peace with it. I know it wasn’t as long as what you are facing but know the time will pass and you will survive.

Babies are so strong, don’t be discouraged by setbacks. DD came off oxygen and back on again then off again, but she got there!

Look after yourself. I think i was guilty of forgetting what I had just been through and it’s all a blur thinking back. It does get better, the first few days I just couldn’t face the reality of what had happened, but over time you just cope. You’ll get there!

@Gin4thewin you're right, I'm getting ready to go there now but feel a sense of guilt at not being there earlier, I woke up at 8am to express and felt the need to tidy the house a bit as I have been neglecting it, I do need to take some hours out for myself , you are right, my partner is being so strong for us and he's the voice of reason in this relationship and especially now!
I will speak with NICU nurses today about putting me forward for therapy from their psychologists, even just to vent x

@user1498572889 I'm feeling better today, yesterday we had a scare where her oxygen levels fell really low, turned out to be reflux but I saw her face turn grey and the nurses rushed to put her oxygen mask on, they said this is all normal for preemie babies but my heart sank and I went home wailing, it took a few calls and to speak to her nurses to calm me down, I read online that all these ups and downs are normal, I forget sometimes that she is premature and her little body can only do one thing at a time xx

@Teacaketotty thank you my lovely for your kind words. I have forgotten that I only had her 3 weeks ago, her birth was traumatic for me. At my 20 week scan I was told I had a short cervix and I had a stitch placed two days later, I was placed on strict bedrest from then and told to not expect to have her full term, it wasn't easy, when we got to 24 weeks I was elated as I knew she would have a chance of survival. At 27+4 they needed to remove the stitch as her cord was pressed on her head and was safer for her out than in. I couldn't see her for 4 hours after having her and I've felt in a daze since. I love the precious moments I get with her through kangaroo care and we change her nappies and clean her which helps with the bonding! I want her home so badly but I know she is better in hospital than out right now.
Spending any time in NICU whether 34 weeks or less is hard for any parent, I want to speak with a therapist above the negative thoughts I have as they scare me so much. I want to be strong for her when she comes out because she is a little fighter and I feel shame at being so weak when she is trying her best x

@goforit99 you are so welcome.

Just think in a short while you will be updating us all that you are all home together, keep your chin up and think positive! Don’t feel bad about having a bath or sorting the house, take advantage your little baby is being well cared for.

I remember the first night I had DD outside SCBU and it felt so surreal to be alone with her, like “okay she’s really mine”! I felt the same way during every night feed once home, mixed with some tiredness I’ll admit

I think it will help you to talk it through, that with a little time and things will be easier. It’s still so new even though it feels a lifetime has passed. Always here if you need to talk.

Congratulations on your baby, and on getting through the first few weeks ok. NICU is hard, and the emotions hit everyone differently so try not to worry or compare with others. It is a traumatic time but the odds are very good for your baby now that she’s over 28 weeks and got through the first few weeks.

Are you due to transfer hospitals any time or are you already in your local one?

I was in two hospitals for three months with my dc3 (25+4) and as pp said, it was hard to leave nicu by the end. Here’s a few things I found helpful

Make time to chat to other parents and go for lunch together. Especially those with other micro-preemies who will be around for a while too.

Take a short day once a week, and go somewhere for a walk in the sunshine or to a cafe. You will be low on vitamin d, and being stuck indoors for 3 months isn’t good for the soul.

Try to take good care of yourself so you don’t get ill. Mentally and physically it is more important that you stay well and can visit each day rather than getting worn down and having to stay home with a cold. Rest as much as possible, so that you are prepared to have a “newborn” home in 2 months time.

See if the hospital has a chapel. I found it a good place to go for a cry and to pray for my baby. The chaplains are often good at listening.

Take photos and blankets home to comfort you when she’s not near.

Be aware of your feelings but don’t worry about them too much. You will be emotional and there might be a time for counselling in the future, so make sure you know where to access it.

All the best for your nicu journey.

@goforit99. How are you feeling today? Hope it was a good day for 👶
Have you held her today?

@Teacaketotty

Awww I can't wait for the day to take her home.. the staff at NICU are so helpful! She's been in HDU for a week now which is great DS

@teapotter thank you so much.

Yes, I was super grateful once we passed 28 weeks!

I'm staying in the same hospital I gave birth in which have the best neonatal Care units in the country so I am very very grateful for that.

Wow, 25+4? I imagine you were very very scared? I'm so glad things worked out xx

I have been speaking to a lot of parents in the unit and it really does help put things into perspective!

@user1498572889
I'm doing well thank you, I got to hold her yesterday as well which is always an amazing feeling 🤗
Thank you for checking on me, I really appreciate it xx

@goforit99 you are more than welcome. I am so pleased you got to hold your little 👑. Best feeling in the world. She will also love it. Being held by their mummy does bring them so much comfort. Oh and daddy of course 😀. How are you feeling in yourself have you managed to talk to anyone about how you are feeling? 💐

@goforit99 how is it going?

Every week that passes with a prem baby gets a bit easier. Mine was much later on (34w but little due to IUGR) she's now a gorgeous nearly 7m old. We've had our challenges on the way but i can hardly remember NICU, even though I cried leaving her every single night. She's my little Sparkle. Stay strong you are both doing so well x

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland
We are doing well thank you! I'm getting used to it all now, the beeping is still unsettling especially that we around other babies who are older but I am grateful ❤️
Thank you for checking on me x

Just saw this thread, your first post really struck a chord with me, my emotions were so strong after giving birth I spent the first week in tears! How are you both doing? Any updates? Hope you are both feeling better

@Wolfgirrl
Thank you for checking on us, we are doing well thank you! The hormones have settled and I do feel a lot better.. I hope you are well x

This post made me tear up a little. My DD was born 13 weeks early so I completely understand those feelings. I'll never forget those first days. I was in the worst pain physically but every day I got a taxi to the hospital to go see her (the dreadful hospital I gave birth in discharged me exactly 7 hours after I'd had her.) She was at one point transfered to St Marys in Paddington, so I stayed in a easyHotel across the road from her. After dropping off some milk I'd expressed during the night at the hospital, I was walking back to the hotel and it actually felt like my heart was going to fall out of my chest. I was so broken, lonely, scared, anxious, exhausted etc. For the next few yrs, every time late March rolled around near her birthday, I would get a bit weepy and nostalgic. But for the last two yrs it actually hasn't been too bad around this time of year now. Shes 6 and thriving and tall as a giraffe. Basically, what I had built up in my mind, all of the anxieties about her future have kind of disappeared as shes getting older. So enjoy all the kangaroo cuddles, the smells, take all the pictures and videos, create the keepsake boxes (I have a cupboard full lol) because they really do help. God bless you both x