I just can’t get over my premature birth...

[ShowerTheHorse]

I’ve taken some time off mumsnet, about 6 months as I was in an ante natal group here for babies due in September, but my baby came on August 10th 7 weeks early weighing 2lb 13oz.

I feel on one hand I have been very lucky, he was measuring small in pregnancy but all Doppler and stuff were always fine but I had extra scans and they were considering bringing him via c section at 35 weeks so I was somewhat prepared but at 33 weeks exactly I started with contractions at 6pm and he was born at 7pm.

It all happened so fast and I felt nobody was listening to me and because of the time I got to the hospital it was handover so I was left alone for a lot of it until a doctor came and examined me realised I was 10cm and whisked me to the delivery room. (I was obviously in labour and a midwife came in and told me to stop being dramatic and to “wiggle my toes” when I felt a pain because I was asking for pain relief!)

Again, I feel very lucky that my boy needed little intervention and he thrived when out of me. We have had a tough winter with illnesses and bronchilotis but overall things are good he now weighs 12lb at 6 months old and he smiles and laughs, we have delayed weaning a bit but he’s starting to show interest in our food and he’s a happy and healthy boy.

But I just have this feeling it’s horrible I can’t explain I’ve tried talking to DP but he doesn’t understand he thinks because he is healthy now there’s no reason to feel this way but I just feel almost constantly sad, I feel terrible I couldn’t keep him inside of me and even worse he wasn’t growing properly inside of me and that he thrived when he wasn’t, I feel so bad he keeps getting poorly because he was prem. When I got to hold him for the first time he had wires all over him and a cannula in his foot and I bent it wrong and he really really screamed and I just think his first hold from his mummy I hurt him and it makes me so sad.

When he was in the NICU I sat by his side 12 hours a day I did every feed Through his tube and every change except at night and then I’d go home and express every 3 hours for him but I just feel so bad.

Im sorry for rambling on but I really have had little/no support. Because I was consultant led from 20 weeks I didn’t see a midwife but when I did she was covering their own back really and just explained why they didn’t try to stop labour just in case I’d heard other women saying they’d had their labour stopped and then gave me an appointment to see her at the children’s centre 2 weeks later but when I turned up she said “you’re supposed to bring your baby you know” when he was in the NICU! I had been struggling with my emotions and had gone with a list of things to tell her but didn’t bother after that.

Sorry for the rambling but I was just wondering if anybody else has felt like this and does it go away? Thanks so much x

Bless you. You’ve had a terrible time.

But your DP is wrong. A healthy baby isn’t all that matters. You matter too. Does your hospital offer a birth debrief service? You might find it helpful to flag the poor treatment you received (lack of pain relief etc).

One thing I can promise you is over time the sadness and trauma fades and you barely think about it at all. The first year was tough for me but it got easier after that.

Also consider having a chat with your GP. Antidepressants helped me a lot.

Have you spoken to PALS at the hospital? Many hospitals have teams to help with the after effects of traumatic births and early days of life. Or talk to your gp, support should be available.

My youngest was premature. She was in hospital for a long time and it took me quite some time to come to terms with it all. I would say probably two years. Even now: 10 years later certain things get to me, but I accept that and I don't blame myself for feeling that way.
Take any help that is offered, be kind to yourself and don't feel bad that you are affected by something so traumatic xxx

Counselling of some form would help. Your feelings are real and they ( and you) matter

This sounds like what happened to my mum when she was having me. She was told her waters hadn't broke, she'd wet herself, she was having braxton hicks etc.

Definitely see if you can get a debrief of your birth. Also consider counselling, talking it all through with someone might help you.

You poor thing. Bad birth experience can stay with you for a long time. And really resurface with a future pregnancy.

I was induced with my first (small growth and placenta issues), and when things got going it was fast and painful and I kept being told I wasn't in labour. It was a painful, frightening and quick birth and I was so so sad for awhile after. I felt robbed of a good experience because I wasn't listened to.

When I had a second unplanned pregnancy, the experience started to weigh heavy on my mind and the consultant referred me to the head midwife for a debrief. We went over everything that happened, and she explained things and told me nothing had been my fault and it wasn't right I hadn't been listened to. I shared my concerns that it would happen again, she put her number in my notes, said if anything wasn't going how I wanted it to do when on the ward, to call her. All this was put in my notes and I then got the best care second time around.

Speak to the head midwife on the labour ward. Talk about your experience.

As for your baby, you are their whole world. Your baby loves you and you won't even know how much until they are a bit older and running to you to give you hugs. It's so important to your baby that you are happy and healthy. They won't ever remember the cannula. I'm sure being pushed out the birth canal isn't painless either, no one remembers it. What matters is now and how they grow up and the love you show now. You clearly love your baby. It's not easy expressing like you did. Be kind to yourself. You have all been through a lot.

Xx

Definitely ask your hospital for a debrief. I couldn't face mine til about 9 months post partum. I had slightly different issues to you, but similar in feeling a lack of control and experiencing feelings of trauma and guilt about how my delivery went.

It wasn't the magic fix, but it did give me the chance to say my piece, and I did get an apology.

You poor thing. You've had a terrible time and your husband is wrong, I'm afraid - you matter too.

In no particular order you need a birth debrief, to talk to your local PALS and contact the birth trauma association

It's brilliant that DS is here and healthy, but you have had a terrible trauma and you need some help and support to get over that. I can't revisit DS birth, I just can't - and he's 14 now. I worked through it myself, on my own, and it's one of the main reasons we only have one child. Please don't be like me, get some help.

It's so hard. I've been there my twins were prem and are now 6. They are fine other than a slight speech and language delay but I still sometimes feel like I was robbed of the normal new born period. I'd recommend a birth reflections service though. X

My ds was 5 weeks prem. Called at the hospital for a quick check up en route to a week end away.
Had an emcs 4 hours later.
Felt very robbed and a failure after multiple natural full term births.
Ds is 5 and at last hsi proper size and well advanced.
Don't be too hard on yourself op.
Ask to speak to a mw about the birth etc.

Thanks so much for your replies, I’m not sure if I’ve had a debrief exactly but before we were discharged from the NICU a doctor sat with me and went through my notes which literally said I turned up fully dilated and then had baby and then he explained why he was given the medication he was given when he was born (suspected sepsis as was jaundice within the first 24 hours) and some other things but my labour has been so glossed over. I understand sometimes there’s no reason why and these things happen but I’ve only been told the reasons why they didn’t try to stop my labour which is completely understandable he was coming out whether I liked it or not ha ha. But I’ve felt when I have tried to talk to them about my labour they don’t have any answers at all.

@Haworthia Thankyou, I have been so worried this feeling will never go away. He seems to think so differently to me and I just feel my efforts to talk to him are pointless.

I think I might try the GP, I feel most of the time I feel okay but there’s just this feeling in the back of my head all of the time that I just can’t get past. I’m hoping it goes away, I have nightmares and flashbacks to the NICU it really has affected me in ways I wouldn’t think and i just think in a way I shouldn’t feel like this as he did so well in the NICU he really thrived he has done nothing but thrive and I feel my feelings are sometimes not justified as some people go through so much worse. X

I agree. I felt a mix of anger, cheated out of a normal birthing experience and then guilt that it was my fault. I couldnt keep them in (i had twins at 27 weeks). I think when they were in NICU and when they came home, i over compensated, was at hospital 18 hours a day when I'd been discharged, insisted on breastfeeding even though it meant they had to stay in hospital longer (to assauge the guilt).

Very similar to your cannula issue, about 3 weeks in, my H persuaded me to leave the hospital for the first time to go for a pizza (said i needed time away from the hospital). When we got back about 3 hours later, they were both about to have blood transfusions as their sats had dropped. I felt like they knew I'd left the hospital, left them.

As pps have said, it is normal to feel like this, to feel overwhelmed and possibly like your H doesnt understand - i'm sure fathers struggle too, but the feeling of inadequacy is quite specific for women and completely understandable.

It does take time but maybe a chat with your GP might help or a local group for BLISS / Tommys if you have one?

Oh goodness I know exactly how you feel. Dts were born at 31 weeks, 10 years ago now. It took me a good few years to process it. Looking back I definitely had one but didn't have the time or energy to realise it.

@ShowerTheHorse - think of things the other way round... you feel guilty for not keeping him inside you... but im sure there are mothers of stillborn babies who are devastated their bodys didnt do something to get them out and safe whilst they still had a chance.

Perhaps your body knew he wasnt safe inside and thats why you went in to labour? Sounds like you did as much (if not more) to help keep him safe and growing after his birth than you would have done if he was inside?! The difference... you got to see his gorgeous wee face whilst you did it. You sound like a dedicated and wonderful mummy.

I would enquire about a birth afterthought service which will allow you to discuss your concerns.

Xx

Pressed send too soon sorry, it's definitely worth going to the gp, counselling will really help and possibly some anti depressants. Flashbacks are scary and could be PTSD. Well done for recognising it now.

My son was 8 weeks early due to pre eclampsia, so I had an emergency Cs.
I was fortunate to be handed a card for a counselling service in the hospital, and I'm so grateful that I asked to see her.
She was brilliant, and I found myself saying things to her that I didn't even know I was thinking.
It was a big help. Please do speak to your gp and ask for support. You deserve it.
Congratulations to you and wishing you love and support

@charis I know, I have a friend whose baby was born at 34 weeks and was 4lb so 2lb heavier than my DS and was born later who sadly didn’t make it. And this is why I feel so bad sometimes that I feel the way that I do because I realise things could have been so, so much worse and I should be grateful because he is so healthy and in the grand scheme of things I am so lucky. Thankyou so much for your kind comments.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett I’m sorry you went through this too and thanks for your advice I think I’m going to try and talk to the GP on Monday. I agree about my partner he thinks so differently to me, I think he tries to shut down everything what happened so when I try and talk about it he shuts it down. Because of the fast labour and all of the doctors rushing into the room he was pushed out of the way I could see how helpless he felt. And now he is essentially’better’ he can’t see why I’m still focusing on this.

Thanks so much everyone.

You mention a few times how lucky you feel, and it got me thinking how in NICU we all see people who are in worse situations than us, and perhaps think we shouldn’t feel bad because we are doing ‘ok’. But the reality is that birth trauma can affect people in different ways, and it’s good to deal with the negative feelings in whatever way works for you.

Personally, I coped really well for the first year, but then found it hard to move on and think of anything outside the baby bubble. Counselling was a great help to me. Have you spoken to your health visitor? She might also screen you for post natal depression. It can hit anybody, but is more likely after a difficult birth. It will get better but it will be easier with help. Take care of yourself.

@teapotter I think that’s it exactly, I sort of feel I shouldn’t feel this way. And it’s so hard. I haven’t seen the health visitor because we had the neo natal nurse once he was discharged but because he was doing so well and putting on weight she saw him 3 times and then as she was off sick discharged me by text.

I also feel like when I’m talking to them I put on a bit of a front, I’m not sure why, and it’s not that I feel down all of the time because there are times that I’m not it’s just a feeling in the back of my head all of the time, like with the cannula I mentioned that his first time with his mummy I hurt him and I couldn’t keep him safe. I’ve never spoken these words before. And now I am typing them I can see it’s a bit of a problem, he’s 6 months now and I’ve just been telling myself it will go away, as it’s still quite fresh but I have the flashbacks and the nightmares. And sort of a constant feeling something bad might happen. I love being his mummy and I just think sometimes I have failed him, I’m glad other people have experienced this and I’m so so grateful for your advice.

I'm really glad you're going to the GP. Don't be fobbed off with PND - I mean, it's possible you do have PND after such a horrendous experience, but you almost definitely have some form of PTSD too. Make sure they listen to you. Is there anyone you could take with you to advocate for you?

I was thinking PTSD when you mentioned flashbacks.
I also think some form of CBT might help, a lot of your beliefs about things are not very helpful to your mental health. You blame yourself for things that aren't your fault and put more importance on one tiny mistake than on all the loving effort you put in to care for your baby in the nicu. Some therapy might help you turn that around.

@Funkycats our hospital had counselling available but I didn’t go! I don’t know why, I think I was just running on adrenaline I thought I was ok I was just so focused on getting out of the hospital and getting him home. I asked later when we were home if I could go but it’s only for parents actually at the neo natal. I am definitely going to talk to my GP on Monday, just to talk this all through. X

It doesn't sound like a proper debrief that you had. Surely it was too soon for you to be able to take things in. I would call that a discharge conversation. Ask for a debrief.

I don't know if this will make you feel better but - we had a regular labour and delivery at 40 weeks. But breastfeeding the baby didn't go so well. I don't like to look at pictures of my baby when he was a few weeks old as he wasn't gaining weight but I didn't realize. What I mean to say is - I think every mother feels guilty about something.

You should definitely see your gp, I'm glad you're going.

OP

My DD was born at 33+6 in August, weighing 3lb 9oz. We also had a tough winter with bronch (3 bouts, 2 requiring hospital, 1 for a ventilator in picu ). She's now 11lb 1oz at 6m. I totally understand how you feel. I constantly worry about her.