A vent, a moan, i dont know

[Sleepycat91]

So i had my beautiful girl 28th nov at 35+1, she didnt need to go to NICU, and spent 4 days with us on the ward. We were told we had to stay 5 days due to her being prem. She was being sick alot and we couldnt lie her flat, what was coming up was yellow and smelt like poo. She had a bloated belly and was looked at multiple times by multiple Drs. They all said its fine as long as the sick wasnt green. She lost loads of weight and got very dehydrated, wed struggle to get feed in her and then shed projectile vomit this yellow stuff everywhere. I thought i was doing something wrong. Finally someone listened and argued with us until we were listened to, and then my world turned upside down. They were talking about transferring us to another hospital for the surgical team to look at her as there might be a problem with her bowel and she MIGHT have to have surgery. Then they saw what was coming up and it wasnt a maybe any more and she was blue lighted to a specialist hospital to intensive care. She had test after test and we were getting no answers. And then floored when a Dr asked us if we had CF in the family, which we dont. They had no option but surgery and she was found to have a twist in her bowel which caused a bit of it to die, luckily she only lost 2-3cm of her bowel. She came back on a ventilator and morphine. Shes awake now and clearly feeling better, screaming at all the nurses shes hungry because shes been nil by mouth for a week. We were told its unlikely shell be home by xmas. I feel so drained of everything. Im trying to pump as much as i can, im exhausted mentally and physically. Ive seen my son 3 times since i had my daughter and feel like ive abandoned him. I feel like giving up, i cant stop crying and i dont know how long i can keep standing. My oh is being really positive and i think where ive been so sad, crying and just a general delight to be around, hes given up on me too. I dont see what telling HV or midwives is going to achieve, it wont change anything. Its killing me watching my baby be hungry and i cant do anything, i cant hold her in my arms all day like i want to, i have to leave her to be cared for by strangers, i have had to leave my son and ive pushed my OH away. I feel alone. I feel spent. I just want my babies home. I want to wake up and this nightmare be over

Oh sleepycat you poor thing, my heart goes out to you. You must be so shattered and drained. I remember well how draining and isolating these long NICU stays are, and how much they drive wedges between you and the people you need most right now. I know it's a cliche but I'd say just take one day at a time, and don't be so hard on yourself about not seeing your son - you can't be in two places at once, and you'll be able to make it up to him later. How old is he? I found using a little notebook helpful, to record some of the daily conversations with doctors etc - it will show you soon that there has been some slight progress. Also, push for a doctor to sit down with you each day and go over what they think and what needs to happen. Hope your daughter can start to feed very soon.

Having a prem baby is hideous . I went in for a routine scan and ended up on bed rest for 4 weeks then had my son who was in scbu for 4 weeks . He had all sorts of horrible things done to him and I barley saw my daughter as it's scared her seeing me ill and him in scbu . I was too poorly to leave . It's a shit shit time but it does get better . My son has special needs and they flagged it in scbu so I know exactly how you are feeling . It will get better though I promise . This was all 9 years ago and there is so much more now . Face time and what's app etc .. just keep talking to your dh and son as much as you can . Good luck x

FaceTime with your son as much as possible during ‘routine’ times might help you to feel a bit more involved. During a similar situation I used to FaceTime at meal times, and DH would prop up the phone at the table so we could all chat to each other.
Is there a neonatal charity linked to the hospital who might provide some emotional support?
Things will get better. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks for all your replys, i think i just found myself stood infront of a brick wall with no way over it this morning. A few hours sobbing and getting to hold my girl made me feel a bit better. Its just so devastating to think im looking at weeks more of this and will have to do it alone soon too. My OH has another week of PL leave left and hes booked the 1st two weeks of January off too so he gets some time with her when shes home.
I know shes had major surgery and she needs time to heal but i need her too. It doesnt help shes convinced theres nothing wrong with her and shes starving. Shes a strong little lady and i wish i had half her strength.
My boy is 6, weve had him home finally again tonight. Now we know shes had the op and shes recovering so well, i can leave her a little easier and if were looking at weeks more of this, i need to get into a routine that involves both of them. He asked earlier where he was going tomorrow and seemed relieved when we said hes coming home, so the time was right to bring him home. He cant come to the hospital though because chicken pox is going around his school.
My OH is going to have to do the school run tomorrow, i want to take him but i cant face the influx of questions and "are you alrights?" From the the other mums, despite their best intentions, i just dont have the strength and i dont want to go backwards and end up in a state again.