Struggling with seeing my baby?

[FakeTurtle]

Hi all,
I really need some advice about what to do here. My baby was born at 31+6 via emergency c section because of severe pre-eclampsia. He's now 34+1 (corrected) and on the low dependencey unit.
He still struggles with his oxygen desaturation whenever we hold him. When he's in his cot he is fine. So firstly I struggle with just cuddling him because his monitor goes off and I just want to put him back in his cot where I know he is okay. The nurses constantly have to come over when we hold him to check he is okay and it's just a horrible and stressful experience. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my son and it's just upsetting. I have to stop myself from crying while I'm holding him.
Also my partner is very hands on, which is lovely but it's almost too much? When I'm trying to change his nappy or change his clothes, etc my partner constantly alters or tells me how to do something rather than just letting me get on with it. We are both 1st time parents and it just makes me feel like I'm doing things wrong? And it's getting to the point where the nurses are noticing and they are saying that "You need to do this, not dad." Which also makes me feel like a bad mum.
At the same time I don't know what to do when my partner is not there? I just sort of end up sitting there, staring. I don't feel comfortable picking him up (I make myself do it) because of his monitors. I'll change his nappy, clothes and feed him but apart from that I don't know. I don't like talking to him because of just the environment I'm in being surrounded by nurses and other parents.
I know deep down the nurses don't care but the whole experience is horrible and anxiety inducing.
Right now I have the worst anxiety because he's my son and I shouldn't feel like this but I do. I feel so guilty and horrible for feeling like this.
I just need some coping strategies. About how to be okay there by myself? How to feel more confident with my baby? I feel so lost. I'm sorry for the ramble.

It is normal to be racked with anxiety even with a full term newborn but it sounds like dp is the problem tbh, nurses/midwives don't usually offer advice like that, it doesn't sound like they think you're a bad mum it sounds like they want you to get some confidence through doing it yourself. Can you tell him to butt out and let you learn to handle your baby?

You will feel more confident but sadly only time is going to do that. I'm so sorry you're having a crap time I wish I had some practical advice but feeling confident is something that happens when you're left alone to cope and you just do it because you have to.

How soon until baby can come off the monitors?

Oh, I really feel for you. My DD was prem, and her 5 months in PICU were really tough at times. It sounds like it's - understandably - pretty overwhelming for you right now.

I think it's good that the nurses are encouraging you to do more with baby - I wonder if they've noticed your partner being a bit overbearing or controlling and they want to empower you, rather than it being about them thinking you're wrong or not good enough...?

I found reading books to DD really helpful. It meant I didn't have to force 'making conversation' with a tiny, unresponsive scrap of a thing, but she was still hearing my voice.

Has the ward physio shown you comfort holding / touching? You can lay your hands on your baby in the cot / incubator and "hold" them that way. Before she was big enough for cuddles, I used to sit and cup DD's head and bottom (when she was nursed on her tummy) with my hands. Could that work for you?

I think a lot of us had that 'what should I do' experience in hospital, you sit twiddling your thumbs feeling that everyones judging you but as you said they're really not, have you got a tablet/laptop or can you get some books?

You're not expected to gaze at baby every minute but I remember feeling that was expected of me. Would having a radio on ease your discomfort about engaging with baby?

@SpinneyHill I know you are right and it makes me worried that if my baby is still on the unit when my partner goes back to work how am I going to cope?
The past couple of days I've stayed there by myself in the evening and I always feel better by the end of it. It's just the not knowing what to do while I'm there and if I'm doing things right? I'm not sure when he can come off monitors I'll have to ask.
I think that some background noise like a radio would really help to be honest.
@cockingup it can be a very overwhelming experience at times. I think the nurses are doing that I'm just being affected by anxiety too much and assuming the worst. I might try reading to him some of the books I liked when I was little because I get worried that he doesn't know I'm there sometimes.
That's how I will usually sit with him and I enjoy doing that but the nurses are just always promoting skin to skin and cuddles (which I know is important) but it's just hard at the moment when he's struggling with his oxygen.

I had a prem baby at 31 weeks. We had the same problem with his breathing/oxygen monitor when we held him. It made me terrified to hold him. You are not doing anything wrong but i felt like you. There was so many wires that i was very nervous holding my baby. Your baby will leave NICU soon and it will get better. Do you have family and friends who can support you? Recommend reading, its tiring being at hospital. Its really hard and unless you have had a preemie no one really understands. My dc is a happy healthy and not so small anymore baby. It does get better x

You will cope. It is frightening to anticipate being alone and responsible for a tiny baby even a healthy one. That anxiety is entirely normal and within a scbu it's heightened for obvious reasons but most if not all mums felt the same I promise you.

Focus on finding things to do so your mind is occupied, the days and nights are so long when you're in the hospital it's easy to get lost in your own thoughts and lose your sense of normal life.

You're not helpless but you must be bloody exhausted by this point and that can affect your sense of self esteem, spend time alone at the hospital and force yourself through it. Soon enough you will start to feel less inadequate I promise.

I really feel for you I was a bloody mess, tearful and convinced I'd break him or mess up his equipment and mine was only there 2 weeks, he was also my 3rd so I knew it was irrational to be so frightened of failing at being his mum. I still was though.

This will pass, keep your chin up

It’s really hard when you’re at this point but I promise it will get better. Can you say gently to your partner to let you do things without his input? When my DH would do our baby’s cares I realised I was standing over him and telling him what to do thinking I was helping his confidence but when I made myself literally sit in the chair where I couldn’t see him it helped him a lot more. My DH went back to work straight away so he could take his paternity leave when DD came home and the fact that i was there all the time by myself made me much more confident.
We were only allowed to hold DD twice a day at first but could sit with our hands in the incubator holding her hand or on her head (not stroking just holding) and that helped me feel I was bonding and I would whisper to her as I wasn’t comfortable being listened to by others.
It will get better; we’re 2 years on now and it feels like a distant memory.

My baby wasn't premature but had problems with his breathing when he was born so spent some time in NICU - I found it really hard to see him there and was dripping with sweat the first time I got to hold him as I was so anxious - I couldn't wait to put him back which is not how you expect to feel holding your baby. It didn't help that like you his oxygen levels used to drop when we held him and his monitors etc would shift and cause the alarms to go off. I found even just sitting there and holding his hand would be of comfort to him (and I felt so much more comfortable doing initially until I grew more confident). It made me happy too as I was providing comfort in a way I was comfortable with. So much so the nurses used to come get me to come back and hold his hand as he'd get upset and not settle when I left.
I would gently ask your partner to take a step back sometimes and let you get on with it (maybe explain it in a way that you need to be able to do these things alone when he isn't there so need the practice, so he doesn't take it the wrong way).
As pp suggested reading is a lovely way to bond and gets baby used to your voice (and seeing as he heard it so much whilst in you I'm sure he'll love it!).
Take things easy, do what you're comfortable with, if you're relaxed baby will relax. Thinking of you and hope you and baby recover well x

Hi, reading your post bought back a lot of memories, my son was born in April 2017 at 26 weeks, we spent 102 days in NICU and it was probably the hardest but most rewarding time of my life. My DS came home on oxygen as he was diagnosed with chronic lung disease but we are of oxygen now and thriving ... I think all of us preemie mums understand and can relate to your anxiety and worries, it's very hard to see your baby struggling, what you have to remember is you are he's mum and nothing you say or doing is wrong.

So from my experience with a pre term baby, what I found really helped me bond was changing, feeding and cleaning him whenever I could. Skin to skin is recommended so much because it has so many benefits for the baby and you, I know you said the beeping sounds of the monitors gives you anxiety and puts you off but please don't let it, that is your baby and when you hold him he will slowly settle down and get use to it, my DS use to be the same so the nurses use to turn up the oxygen slightly only when we was doing skin to skin and he eventually got use to it and didn't need it turned up.

I know at the moment you are struggling but you will get use to it and just remember your not alone in this. Your baby will get better before you know it and be at home with you

OP congratulations on your little one.

Mine was just shy of 34 weeks & IUGR so tiny, and I found I hit a real low point after approaching 2 weeks in NICU, she was still being tube fed and I felt we were getting nowhere.

The holding thing is really hard. Can you build up from touching etc? Is baby warm enough on you?

I found it helped me to bond with her to do anything I could for her - express milk, change her, do get tube feeds myself, swap the pulse ox monitor on her foot myself etc. Also - can you knit or sew? It comforted me to sit knitting her a tiny hat. I was rubbish at it and slow but it made me feel like I was doing something special for her.

Another thought, have you tried holding while he's being fed (e.g. if on an NG tube). That way he can build a positive association with the comfort of a full tummy & being held?

My premie was in the NICU / special care ward for 10 days and I can relate to a lot of what you've said. Your baby will be home before you know it though and if you're like me you'll realise you're grateful that you had the safety net of the nurses around you while you were finding your feet. Don't be afraid to ask for their support or to share your fears.

Are you expressing? I found that immensely helpful because it gave me something useful to do and helped with the bonding.