I feel so helpless

[Pepper123123]

Hi all. My daughter was born on Monday at 30 weeks. She weighed 3lb9oz

I am still in hospital myself, but was only allowed to visit her yesterday for the first time.

I went to the NICU last night before going to bed. She was doing wonderfully, but began to cry at one point.
I had no idea what to do. It felt awful to sit and watch her crying.
I don't know what I'm allowed to do. We're let into the NICU and left alone really, which is understandable with all the babies who need care, but I'm a bit lost as to what we can do for her.
Not knowing whether we can touch her while we're there etc.

What can I expect from here? I have had no conversations with doctors or anything yet.

I feel like she's been taken away and we, her parents are out of the loop. Is this normal? Do I need to be more assertive with them or are they doing what's the norm?

Hi,
Congratulations on your baby girl!
When my boy was in NICU we had 24 hour access (only exception being during doctors rounds) and every single time I was there the nurse caring for him came to speak to me. If busy they would give me a quick hello then say "I'll be with you when I can" etc. They taught me from day 3 how to change his nappy/clothes (bit tricky initially in incubator) and how to give his feeds via the NG tube.
I would encourage you to ask for a 1:1 discussion with the doctors and as well as getting medical updates explain you want to do as much of the care of your baby (nappies, feeds etc) as you can.
It's a really worrying time and being involved really helped me cope.
My boy was 34 weeks & doing so well now.
Again, congrats on you new baby X

Congratulations OP. My daughter spent time in special care and it's a really weird environment as a parent which took us a good few days to get used to. There will be a nurse or similar allocated to DC on each shift. Usually there is a board somewhere with this on. That can help as you'll get to know who the staff are they'll get to know you. Also don't be afraid to chat to other visiting parents. They taught us a lot. The doctor will usually do morning rounds. You can ask roughly what time they think this will so you can be there.

The days in the high dependency unit were terrifying. I'd had a c section that morning and we could only poke our hand through to touch DC in her cot. It did get better.

Once she was in the medium dependency nursery things got better. We could care for her with help. They often have donated premie clothes, blankets and muslins so it's worth asking. It's really hard but spend lots of time there. The midwives described me as the invisible patient because my bed was always empty with me at DDs side. It was worth it. It was the quiet nights where most parents had gone home where I bonded with her the most.

She sounds like a little fighter .

Congratulations! My DD was born at 32 weeks and we were told by nurses on SCBU that we could only hold her after her “cares” (nappy and wash) which were every 6 hours; at first the nurses changed her nappy and then gave her to me to hold but after a few days I could do this then hold her and we started breastfeeding. At first they said for only me or DH to hold her after each care as she got quite distressed being moved between us. They said it was really important to try and recreate the womb environment as much as possible so not too much moving around and being kept dark and quiet. It was incredibly difficult to not hold her when we wanted to but we knew it was best. We were able to sit with her for as long as we wanted and put our hands on her chest, head and back but not stroke her as this would disturb her.
I would ask the nurses to take some time to explain what you can do and what they’re expecting to happen with your DDs care.
This is a really tough time but you’ll all get through it and be proud of yourselves and your DD for how strong you all were

Thank you for your lovely replies.
I was discharged yesterday, so had to do the first night far away from her.

However, before I left the hospital I had time to ask questions, get to know the NICU etc. And I feel so much better about it.

I have held her on every visit since my original post. I have fed her through her feeding tube and changed her nappy a number of times too.
These little things have made such a massive difference and given me so much more confidence. I feel like I'm connecting with my baby.

I feel like there's a lack of support for NICU parents in this particular hospital. I'm going to look further into this when I have the head space to do so.

For now, my beautiful baby is amazing me more and more day by day.

Congratulations!

My DD was born at 30 weeks and just under 3 pounds. I had her at midnight and was discharged by 8am the next day. I felt exactly the same, but daily kangaroo care (holding skin to skin) and reading to her I think really helped. Everything made me a bit weepy at first. It felt wrong being at home (no beds for parents) without our baby; I felt cheated of baby bonding and also felt I was cheating by not having the sleepless nights and crying traditionally expected of first time parents.

The nurses at the NICU were very supportive, showed us how to give her a bath, change nappies, feed through NGT, etc. I pumped milk but it was apparently not high fat/calorie enough so they added some extra powder to it (not formula, but something like that). We bought small clothes for premature babies on eBay, but not a lot as they grow out of them quickly.

Maybe try to get to know the other parents in the NICU? It may help as you're going through the same thing. We made friends with the families of the babies in the NICU when DD was there, met up regularly afterwards, kids played with each other, and 10 years on continue to meet up with them. I found it annoying when people said it to me at the time, but when the kids are a few years older you wouldn't be able to tell they're premature at all.

Congratulations on your baby!

I remember feeling much like you - I didn't know what to do with DS, the nurses in the NICU were so much more competent at changing him and bathing him as well. Once he could wear clothes, I found it helpful to put him into things that we had chosen him, rather than the clothes from hospital

Congratulations on your new arrival!

Our little girl arrived at 32 weeks and its a massive shock but sounds like you are coping really well. My wife was really nervous about changing nappies at first cos they look so tiny that early, and its not easy doing it through an incubator!

Completely agree with other posts re using your own clothes/blankets etc. Our hospital (Coventry) were absolutely amazing through the whole thing, suggested stuff like putting a small cuddly toy in the incubator, after you had cuddled it, helps swap smells of mum and baby (And dad!)

The point where you have been discharged and little one is still there is the hardest I found, my wife had an emergency C-Section, and then some complications so she was on bed rest after being discharged so could only visit once a day, I was doing 3 trips to the hospital where I would happily just spend an hour staring at her in her incubator! :-)

(DD is now 2 and a half and you would have no clue whatsoever the noisy little monster was prem!)

Keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine! :-)