Guilt at premature baby

[nervousFTM]

I just need to share my feelings as worried I'm on the road to PND

Brief background - struggled with eating disorder most of my life. Lots of bereavement last year led to 3 months signed off work earlier this year for depression. Didn't take meds throughout pregnancy and towards late pregnancy started to feel I didn't need it. I'd only taken the anti Ds for a month back in Jan when I found out I was pregnant. Did not enjoy pregnancy (body changes, pregnancy rage...). In a much better place in terms of being free from physical eating disorder symptoms lately, but I'd be lying if I said I managed to be clear of it completely during pregnancy.

Fast forward to the issue I'm facing now. Baby girl arrived at 34+6 after waters broke the night before (she arrived just 8 hours after waters breaking). Very quick, pain-relief free labour and she's absolutely gorgeous (and I'm so happy I got the girl I was wishing for!). I'd not had time to have second steroid injection for her lungs after going into labour, so when she was born she had to have a cannula in for antibiotics (2 days) and we were in hospital for 3 nights in total as she needed phototherapy for jaundice.

Week one I felt very primal, on a high, just so full of what I can only call 'beyond love' for this perfect little thing. Second week hasn't gone so well for me mentally. I keep reading posts about preemies and am hating myself and blaming myself for it (mainly, I think what caused it must have been my eating disorder). I feel so intensely sad that she may have long term problems as a result of being 5 weeks early and can't seem to shake myself out of it. DH doesn't blame me at all and keeps saying look at this amazing little girl you have grown, and reminds me she's a great feeder, was 5.6 at birth and is putting on weight and all midwife/HV have said she's doing well and don't seem concerned at all, but I still hate myself because feel I can point to a wholly shitty reason for her early arrival.

I'm not keen on starting meds for depression (am exclusively BF) but equally don't want to make my little girl's life worse by having an anxious mum.

Just looking for a bit of support I guess xx

I can relate to the irrational guilt, my DD was born with sepsis and had to go to NICU and I still feel awful when I think about it. Time was a bit of a healer and it took almost a month before I had a day where I didn't cry.

On a practical level I would seek some proper advice on what medications can be taken while breastfeeding in case there is something you could consider. Be honest with your HV and GP because there is help out there.

Thank you @SnuggyBuggy 💖 DH has also tried his best to explain it's irrational thinking - I'm pleased he feels that way rather than blaming me too! Sorry to hear your DD had sepsis at birth, it's horribly scary especially when we are at our most vulnerable (and knackered!).

Will def be looking into what's safe. My worst fear is PND mainly because of the effect on loved ones xx

I had 3 dc at term but had crushing PND with all of them. I took sertraline and was able to bf for 12 months, 15 months and 2 years. They're all perfectly healthy teenagers now. If you need ads, take them, it's very safe!

Please don’t feel guilty; premature birth can happen for a lot of reasons and it’s not your fault.
After my DD arrived at 32 weeks I really struggled with feelings of guilt and that it must have been my fault; I think every mum of a premature baby feels that way and it’s taken me a little while to give myself a break and understand it wasn’t my fault.
Also there’s no reason why she should have any long term problems; my DD had caught up by a year and by 6 months no one would have known she was early. Your DD was a great weight and very close to being full term which is 37 weeks