Guilty

[LJ17xx]

I now have an almost 10 month old who seems to always be ill with a cold or something else. I feel so so guilty that I only managed 3 weeks of expressing breastmilk for him. I got awful mastitis and only had an hour between pumping and feeding my weak preemie, originally through a tube. I just couldn't recover and felt constantly ill. I also feel like I could have had a stronger bond with him if he was breastfed :( not really a question just needed to air my feelings

You had a tougher start than most, which is difficult to maintain feeding through. All credit to you for expressing for three weeks. Expressing is hard. Mastitis is awful. You rule.

If it’s any consolation, both of my children were breastfed, and were ill loads during their first year. They didn’t get the memo about breast milk and illness protection, or my milk is devoid of antibodies...

I’m also not sure that breastfeeding creates a stronger bond. In fact, I’m absolutely sure that it doesn’t. Bonds are created by repeated experiences. Hugs, kisses, love and smiles are all as quality in terms of time and comfort as breastfeeding. I wondered if your tough start has had an effect on you feel bonding has been?

You sound loving and kind, I’m sorry that you feel sad about how things have gone.

Thank you for your lovely response. I suppose the emergency c section has also made me feel like we didn't bond as well as I don't remember the first 24 hours of his life and my mum was the first to hold him. Lots of mums still feeding their babies months in, and honestly I'm very envious

Breastfeeding a premature baby after an emergency c section, with bad mastitis is really really tough. You did a great job to express for 3 weeks. Lots of babies born at term are formula fed at 3 weeks, 20% or so of babies are formula fed from the first feed. It's not anything at all to beat yourself up about.

My first baby was an EMCS, and I was unwell so didn't see him for a day or so as I was on the HDU. My partner was the first to hold him as I couldn't, and the first to change a nappy and so on. It does knock you for six a bit as it's not what's supposed to happen and no one prepares you for it.

The first day isn't the most important one, it's all the days since. Don't forget, your baby knew your heartbeat, your voice, your movements from being inside you. That's where your bond began. One day of separation won't have had any effect.

Thank you :) I hope this hasn't affected how he sees me. Your responses do really help x

Please don’t feel guilty - 3 weeks is a real achievement! I found the constant routine of expressing very difficult and mastitis would have finished me off.
You made the right decision for you and your baby at the time and after what sounds like a very difficult arrival. I torture myself sometimes about the fact that I didn’t even see my DD until 12 hours after she was born but I really believe that the bond and relationship with a baby is about much more than those first few day and weeks especially with a preemie.