Feeling grim

[FindingNormal]

Hi. My little girl was born 6 weeks ago at 33 weeks. She's done amazingly well- was home in 12 days and is putting on weight well. We're really lucky. But I feel shit. I feel rubbish about myself and think I must have done something to make her come so early. I feel like a rubbish mum to her and our 2 yr old.

I got mastitis after we came home and was on erythromycin which gave her an upset tummy and now she has a cold so basically since she's been home she's not been right. Shes squirmy and miserable and doesn't want to be put down. I feel a mess and like I've been jipped of my time off I was planning before she was due and really needed hat time to prepare, rest and feel ready for her. Still can't get my head round the fact that she's here and she 'shouldn't' be yet.

Is this normal to feel like this? Not really being very articulate I know.

No one?

I had a preemie at 28 weeks and experienced exactly what you describe. It is NOT your fault, you brought 2 babies into the world who are healthy and safe.

Have a chat with your GP or HV as it's very very well recognised that prem mum's can feel quite a lot of PND and PTSD. I refused for 8 months and really let things fester, so please get help sweetheart, as you're an awesome mum and your kids are lucky to have you

Hi @FindingNormal - I'm so sorry you feel so rubbish. Do you have good support at home? I'm sure her early birth was not your "fault" in any way - it sounds like you both did well to get home in 12 days!
I've had 2 bouts of mastitis early on (bub is 5 months old) and also had antibiotics which gave her a seriously upset tummy. It was rough . I now take 1x Lecithin capsule a day and it's keeping the mastitis at bay! Apparently it helps prevent clogged ducts/does something to shift the heavier hind milk with the foremilk. It doesn't hurt to try those if you're able.

If it helps, it will get better. Every couple of weeks is a different kind of rough patch. You think it won't end and then it gets better. Unfortunately it's often replaced with a different difficulty as they grow so quickly but try to remember this is such a short season of your life, it really will just be a dot of difficulty in the grand scheme of things.
Here to chat/sympathise/join in complaining if you need!

Thanks guys. It's really hard I feel like my life has been shaken and I have no control. I guess that was partly true when I had my first but this feels more extreme. We had so much structure in scbu and she fed like clockwork and now I feel a bit spacey and like I don't know what I'm doing.

Just had a read re lecithin and might give it a go- thanks

I can understand re: lack of control. I like to be prepared for everything, I like to know I have control of my situation - it keeps me calm. I have lots of anxiety with even leaving the house with baby. When did she last feed? Will she need to feed while I'm out? What if she's crying uncontrollably in the shop, won't be be staring at me? I can imagine having baby arrive so early unexpectedly would be such an upheaval, without the mastitis/tummy upsets/colds/looking after a 2 year old all thrown in on top.

The great thing about the lecithin is there's really no harm in taking it daily. Worst case scenario: it does nothing. I started taking it the second time I got mastitis. The first time I took antobiotics. Thd second time I was determined to avoid more antibiotics if I could. I take 2x Echinacea capsules, 1x garlic capsule, 1x lecithin casule and my pregnancy/breastfeeding vitamin daily now. I'm in the midst of winter here in Aus and I think this is helping keep my immunity up. Avoid horseradish (it's often in cold/flu vitamins) - it can mess with your milk supply. Drink HEAPS of water and make sure the majority of your diet is fresh veg/fruit with some lean protein. If you feel slightly "fluish" it could be mastitis brewing again - any signs of a clogged duct or mastitis symptoms try to feed feed feed from that side as much as baby wants to.

Would implementing any routines/set times each day to complete tasks help you feel a bit more in control of everything at home?

Wow. You guys have done amazing to spend just 12 days in SCBU. And it's brilliant that you are managing to BF here. Well done OP. I have had two preemies- DD born at 31 weeks and DS at 24 weeks, he didn't make it home. It's a really really tough environment and I think a PP mentioned that mums of preemies are more likely to suffer PND and PTSD. The feelings you are describing are natural. Could you maybe think about going to the docs to see if they could help you find someone to talk to? Or could your HV put you in touch with someone. You're doing an amazing job.

I've had very similar feelings. My dc3 was 6 weeks premature and is a nightmare sleeper. He essentially had 6 extra weeks of newborn-ness, so instead of things getting easier at 3 months it was more like 4/5months.

I had my baby 8 weeks ago at 32 weeks and brought her home from SCBU after a 2 and a half weeks. I've found it really tough with good and bad days but I do think it gets better.
I had quite a difficult pregnancy from week 27 and a traumatic birth and have found that during the past 2 weeks the shock has started to wear off and had some similar feelings. Does your hospital offer any aftercare or opportunities to debrief? Mine has a midwife counsellor and an appointment with a consultant to ask questions as well as a parent and baby group for babies who have been in SCBU. If yours don't it might be worth asking what they can offer as I think it's really useful to have something like that.
The main thing to remember tho (and I have to keep telling myself this too so I know it's easy for me to say) is that it isn't your fault and you're being a great mum to both your children. And it's ok and completely normal to almost 'grief' for not having the pregnancy and birth you expected. I felt very mixed up between being so grateful my baby was healthy and safe and also being upset that I never got to experience the later stages of pregnancy and the new baby experience I expected. I found it really useful to talk to other people who had the same experience and to talk to my family and friends about it.
Overall I suppose what I'm saying is that I've had a lot of the same feelings you've said but I do think it gets better and that talking to people helps.

Thankyou. It's really reassuring to know that other people have and do feel similar. We can have a debrief with the midwife but think it focuses on the actual birth but it might be worth having this anyway. It was a very quick labour and I did most of it alone in the ward as the midwives didn't think I was very far along.
I'm really hesitant to go to the gp- just hoping the feelings will pass I suppose as she gets bigger and more normal in her development. She's still only just term so as you say- has had an extra newborn phase, maybe now she's term it'll feel a bit more 'normal'.

I agree OP. It felt like my daughter my newborn forever.
Another option for you might be to see a if there's a specialist MH midwife supervisor (there is here but I am not sure if they're everywhere). Mine helped me.

Have you had your 6 week check with your GP or health visitor? They're supposed to ask how you're doing emotionally at those appointments so might be a good chance to mention it. It was one of those appointments where I was told the risk of PND is higher after a difficult or early birth.
That's a good point about the newborn stage lasting longer; everyone said that to me like it was a good thing but I couldn't help thinking that it actually sounded quite tough. My baby still feeds every 2 hours (3 if we're lucky) and may do for a while yet and One of the things I found helped me the most (and maybe this would be the same whenever my baby was born) has been introducing one bottle a day so that my partner or family member could do a feed while I got some rest or just a little time to myself. I've been exclusively breastfeeding and found that exhausting, and even before we started the bottle I found having someone sit with her so I could sleep made a massive difference.

Not yet had my 6 week check- apparently my surgery gets round to them at about 13 weeks! I am still seeing the hv though but feel a bit funny saying how I feel- feel like I should just be super grateful that she's here and done so well ( which of course I am)
We have introduced 1 bottle of Ebm per day already as I exclusively bf my first and it did take its toll. Bah this baby thing is a proper head fuck sometimes isn't it.

That's really bad of your surgery! This premature baby experience is really tough and it's not like having a full term baby is easy anyway so it's just added on top of that
I really struggled with feeling that I should be grateful (and also obviously am) while also feeling it was really hard and feeling a little bit cheated when I looked at all my friends who had the straight forward pregnancy, natural birth, exciting first day's experience. I think I found it easier to talk to the nurses on SCBU as I felt that they'd seen it all before but my health visitor was really understanding when I said a couple of things about how I felt .
Well done for expressing, I found that expressing on top of everything else really tough and after a week moved to a formula feed a day, I think it also brought back memories of the constant unrelenting expressing when she was being tube fed!

I built up a stash of ebm in hospital as have a good supply. Haven't expressed since being in hospital and still have lots in the freezer- I will move on to formula in her bottles when it runs out. Definitely not superwoman! I guess I'm worried about talking to hv as don't want to be instantly labelled as having pnd (which I accept I might but don't think it's a given) when I just feel I want someone to talk to...Which is why it's nice being on here.

Hi I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I had my DS 8 weeks ago at 31+3. We spent 29 days in SCBU and have been home a few weeks. I have good days and bad days. He choked on his liquid vitamins a couple of weeks back and we had to have the paramedics out and spend the night in hospital and again spend the night when he had a wheezy chest. He has silent reflux which, although is improving with ranitidine, causes him pain after feeding which is really hard to see. He generally feeds every hour to 90 minutes overnight and I'm exhausted. I feel guilty that he was early, feel awful that he's in pain with the reflux and terrified about how vulnerable he is with the hospital trips etc. He's quite a clingy baby but too small for a sling still so I don't get much done round the house and feel guilty.
I get what you are saying about maternity leave. My job was quite stressful and I didn't have much time to think about my pregnancy. I had planned 6 weeks maternity leave to really focus on it and spend time with my DD but he arrived 3 weeks before I left so it feels like I didn't get a chance to reconcile the pregnancy in my head before he arrived.

OP, it's totally normal

Our little guy (now pretty big!) was born at 33+6. We had nothing bought or prepared at home. We weren't mentally ready. I'm pretty sure I had PTSD for the first couple of months.

My "rubbish mum" feelings were linked to the fact I couldn't breastfeed at all - there was literally nothing for him. I felt guilty for so long .... And then, gradually, he got stronger and so did I.

He's now 10 months old, and totally amazing.

You will feel better! Try to enjoy her - even though the newborn phase feels like it lasts forever with a preemie, she will grow up so fast!

PS try the Dr Browns preemie bottles if you need bottles, they're great