How to support sister- baby born at 30 weeks

[OneFootIn1999]

My amazing sister has just given birth, reasonably unexpectedly, at 30 weeks to a little girl who seems healthy. Sis and baby both doing well, thank god thank god. Baby is around 4lb.

I can't be with her for logistical reasons. But would appreciate some advice from mums who have been there. What can I do/send? Tiny clothes? Loads of sweets? What support can I offer from afar? And if I do manage to go down, what practical help can I give while she/baby are still in hosp?

Am in such a mess of emotions. Just want to make things as easy as poss for my sister.

Oh it's a tricky one. I had a 30 weeker last year and basically the world (and everyone) outside the NICU/SCBU ceases to exist while you're there. In my case I hated feeling like I had to talk to people or respond to texts so first bit of advice would be to send/leave messages just to let her know you're thinking about them but that she doesn't have to reply. Personally I wanted nothing to do with baby clothes or stuff until the hospital told us we could take DS home the following week. Your niece will be in an incubator for the first few weeks so no clothes needed yet and likely to be in hospital for around 6 weeks as babies can't be bottle or breastfed until at least 34/35 weeks gestation and it takes a couple of weeks for them to get the hang of it properly. I'm guessing that your sister won't be allowed to stay near to your niece until a couple of weeks before she is discharged as hospitals just don't have the space so your sister will be spending long days sitting by the incubator and nights at home- personally I found it difficult to concentrate on reading or listening to audiobooks while on the unit but other mums seemed to be able to. Do you know if your sister is expressing milk? If so, I'd have appreciated a couple of good maternity bras, easy access tops and also snack bar type things to much on throughout the day esp. Flapjacks as was told that oats are good for milk supply. There is probably not a lot you can do on the practical front yet but know I would have appreciated someone tidying/cleaning the house just before we brought DS home and washing baby clothes and bedding - for me was more important to be with him at the hospital than doing that stuff. Oh and stocking up the freezer with quick and easy stuff to eat. Hope that helps

Thanks very much, that is excellent advice x

You sound like a lovely, caring sister, OP. Congratulations on the birth of your niece, and sorry to hear she arrived so early. That's a great weight for a baby of that age, by the way. I'm glad to hear they're both doing well.

My daughter was born at 29 weeks. What I appreciated most from people who lived far away were actually just regular phone calls and texts asking how we were all doing, and allowing us to talk about it as much as we wanted. There's quite strong social pressure to minimise how difficult an experience having a baby in the NICU can be, and it was great when people just let me chat about any of it to my heart's content!

I was sent quite a few tiny clothes but didn't actually get to use them much, as many of them weren't really suitable for a NICU situation, and then she grew out of them so fast once she could actually wear them. Your sister's baby's situation might be different, but it might be best to check with her first.

Things I did use and would have loved to have been sent: nice hand creams, blank photo album, pretty notebook for recording baby's progress, trashy magazines, and, yes, lots of snacks! We weren't given any soft toys by anyone, so I had to go and buy a comforter myself for her incubator - that might be another idea (just make sure it's washable). I was given a (washable) hand-made baby quilt that we used to drape over her incubator during the day, as they need to be in the dark as much was possible when they're that young. I also could have done with a few spare breast pump sets (so as to minimise washing up between expressing sessions) but didn't feel I could afford the cost at the time. I also should have bought a steriliser.

If you're able to go down, I'm sure she'd appreciate help with shopping, batch cooking, washing up, laundry, etc. (possibly childcare if she already had DCs). We found trying to keep up with basic chores really stressful as we had very little time left after visiting the NICU, and expressing took up pretty much any spare time. This was the case while I was in hospital and also once I was back home.

I hope some of this helps. I'll be thinking of you all OP and hoping for continued good health for your sister's baby .

Thanks Bedafterdark.

Me and sis are in close contact, so I will continue to be there for her in that way. V good advice about not minimising- the temptation is to try to jolly her up and emphasise the positives (of which, thankfully, there seem to be many). But actually it's bound to be a very difficult experience for her even if things continue to progress well. It's just not the way it's 'supposed to' happen, is it.

Will start work on compiling treat package- thanks for tips!

Congratulations to your sister OP!

I second the idea of a small cuddly toy or comforter. We were sent one straight away by some friends who had also had a prem baby and I loved the fact I had something to leave in my son's cot. I washed it then carried it in my jumper for a few days so it had my smell. It's still precious to us now.

Also I found warm washable blankets very useful. I went out and bought a couple of lightweight fleece blankets and again I loved being able to see our boy in things belonging to us as mostly his clothes were tiny hospital ones. Knitted cardigans if you can knit were also invaluable for a while as tiny babies struggle to maintain their own temperature.

Hope that helps x

Thankyou. I definitely can't knit! But I love the idea of choosing a little cuddly toy that she can keep with her for a while to get her scent and then give to her daughter.

She had her first cuddle with the baby this eve, I am over the moon!

The toy is a good idea but be aware we were not allowed toys in the incubator for several weeks. Your niece is much bigger than my child was though, so perhaps not so ill. I would definitely echo the advice about being there just to listen, repeatedly and at length. I would have loved to have had a kind sister like you when I was in this situation.

I wish I could be there in person for her, as it stands I am 200 miles away. Kids and work will make it difficult to get to her very often. But I am visiting tomorrow and cannot wait to give my sister a hug and get a good look at gorgeous niece. Me and sis speak and text all the time so at least we have that.

Will bear in mind that Dniece may not be able to have a comforter for a while. Touch wood, she is not ill at the moment, she just needs help with all her little faculties which were not fully developed. But will check re soft toys. Thanks.

That's a great weight for 30 weeks.

Progress wise bear in mind it is likely to be a roller coaster - good progress one day then a setback the next. being there to listen, but without expecting lengthy updates if she doesn't want to or doesn't have time, will be very helpful.

things that may be of use to your dsis/DN in the coming weeks/months:

• freezer meals - if you can get there, take some batch cooking with you. If you can't, perhaps an order from a company like Cook?

• you could consider a Cocoonababy, these were designed for prems in France and are apparently great for replicating womb position and helping if your baby has reflux (many prems do to some extent) - however they are jolly expensive new but you could keep an eye on eBay for a second hand one?

• little cardigans as a pp said, and blankets as DN will need more warmth than the average baby even when she comes home.

• hand cream, a sports bottle, books/magazines, and tops which open down the front for expressing and skin to skin. all really useful in NICU.

Thanks minipie. I met lovely niece yesterday, she is a trouper.
There are family members who live locally and they are on it with the meals.

Am going to order some stuff online tonight for my sister, other ppl in family have chipped in to cover cost:

• Nursing bras/tops/nighties for expressing
• Breastpads
• Comfy 'lounge'y trousers
• Slippers
• Cardigans for the baby
• Big drinking bottle
• Hand cream and face balm
• Hair bobbles (all this stuff that she would have had in the hospital bag she never had a chance to pack!)
• Spatone (iron supplement which worked wonders for me after birth of first baby).
• Books

I gave her notebook and nice pen yesterday.

Thanks again for advice x

I would like to buy 2nd hand prem baby clothes I live in Ealing.

Thank you
Linda

Hope your sister & DN are doing well, OP.

Koalifactions- thankyou, they are doing really well!
Niece is nearly three weeks old and has had no problems so far, thank God. She is out of intensive care, out of her incubator etc. She is still fed through a tube but all her other wires are gone. She is trying out breastfeeding but obviously it will take a little while to develop sucking reflex etc. We don't know when she will be out of hospital, but I don't think it will be too long.
Sister is at home and is coping very well with the constant to-and-fo from hospital. I think she and her partner just feel very lucky at how things are working out so far.
Thanks for asking- and thanks everyone for advice.

Thank you for the update, glad to hear they are keeping well and that their baby is making great progress.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and would be in a state (to say the least) if I had my baby now, so I really feel for your DSis. She is lucky to have you for support.

Hope everything continues to go well for them both

Thanks for the update! I'm so glad your niece and sister are both doing well.

I hope the breastfeeding goes well and that she's able to leave the hospital soon!