Experience Please?

[FraggleRock77]

Hello. I haven't posted on MN for some time. Our DS is nearly one, he was born at 29 weeks and had a relatively easy-ish journey though NICU.
What i want to ask is does the emotional impact of having a prem still affect you one year on.
I have a lovely DH, supportive family, healthy baby and no real worries but at times i still feel totally exhausted and deflated from our experiences over the past year. More so than i think a new mum with a term baby would!
We have moved house in this time and i'm still not sure about returning to work, so some big life changes too.
DS has had a tummy bug all week and just something as simple as that can have an impact and bring back the prem worries of admission, medical procedures etc.
I hope people don't think i'm just having a moan, i'm really not. I would just like to know how other people feel? I generally feel overwhelmingly happy about our DS and the experience of being a parent but at time i also feel bl**dy angry, tired etc. I hope i've explained myself, i'm finding it difficult to pin point what i want to say. Thank you x

Hi FraggleRock. Sorry to hear about your DS's tummy bug. That must be stressful. I hope he gets better soon.

Yes, like you, I still feel my DS's premature birth has a massive impact on my day-to-day emotional well-being. I could pretty much have written your post (right down to the gestation, uneventful NICU journey and house move!), except that we're a couple of months further down the line. Again, it's a bit hard to explain what the problem is. DS seems to be doing fine developmentally and weight-gain -wise, and has been in very good health since leaving the hospital. We're generally happy. And yet, I still kind of feel like my nerves are shot, and I think about the whole prematurity thing an awful lot on most days. Meh. Also, I still can't face being alone with DS at nighttime - too worried that I'll have a panic attack or something, or that there'll be some kind of dramatic health emergency. I need another adult there with me. This, for me, is very strange, as I used to be really independent.

It does seem to be getting better with time, I think, but much more slowly than I thought it would. I'd be interested to hear from other parents with older prems. Did things just get better on their own, or did they need some kind of help?

Thank you for posting and for your experience. I also used to be independent and fearless. What is going on?!
I'm just like you and have an internal panic when DS is sick or unwell.
I wish i knew if it was just the day to day pressures of motherhood or still a prem issue. X

fraggle I'm the same. I had a thirty weeker who's nearly two now. Every bug cough and cold she gets sets me off. I don't think it is a mother issue I have an 8 year old aswell born full term and I'm a lot more relaxed with her.

I always maintain that the neonatal unit expirience was the worst thing iv ever been through personally including bereavement I don't think it ever truly leaves you.

Like Faacksake said the neonatal unit experience was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I don't think a year on is very long in terms of having a premature baby - they're still babies and you're still down in the trenches bombarded with new experiences and responsibilities all the time/

I don't think a relatively easy or difficult journey through NICU makes any difference. It is horrendous for all.

DS2 is 5 now and just started school. He had a very stormy start and surgery as a small baby. I had counselling when he was about 18 months because I couldn't move on from his birth. It really has made an enormous difference.

He broke his arm a couple of weeks ago at school. It involved an ambulance and his arm being reset under a general.

If you had asked me before, I would have been sure I would have gone to pieces. But I didn't. It was horrible, but I got through it just as I would have done pre-NICU. It helped that DS2 coped amazingly as well.

My friend (who was with me when the phone call from school came) commented on how calm I was. My answer was the worst already happened to DS2. Nothing compares.

Don't feel bad about your feelings towards your DS's birth. They're understandable. But counselling did really help me. And 5 years on it is really behind me.

Yes, I'm definitely more tired and more anxious than I think the "average full term mother" would be. Though I'm not that bothered by illnesses oddly - for me if anything it's worked the other way, in that because we were so scared about serious health issues at the start, I now tend to brush off normal childhood illnesses by comparison (probably far too readily). On the other hand I still have a lot of internal anxiety about development and feel like I'm just waiting for something to turn out to be wrong in that regard.

I felt very very weird, tearful and flashbacky around the time of DD's first birthday - which I gather is common for prem mums - do you think that is part of it for you?

Fraggle you poor love! Having a 1 year old sucks at times.
Prem or no prem. My first (who is now 3) was a 28 weeker, I think we exchanged messages.
My second is now 1 and was born 41 weeks but with a horrendous 2 week hospital stay in NNU for meningitis (there are no guarantees!).
I would like to suggest that being a mum is hard hard work and that what you are feeling is "mum stuff" rather than "mum of prem baby stuff".
I personally think it is helpful to think of it in that way so that you can get back into the "normal camp" where we are are all nuts anyway! Seriously, being a mum is hard hard work. Don't make the mistake of thinking that being a mum of a non- prem is easier. Everyone has the potential to letbtheir own anxieties and hang-ups get the better of them when it comes to parenting.
It tough!
X

Thank you for all the feedback. Maybe i am reacting to our DS coming up to his first birthday. I keep trying to think about the positives and then NICU flashes back! It truly was such a hideous time.
And i agree with the other poster that being a mum is plain tough!

Hi fraggle good to hear from you. I name changed from plentyof soap. My dd is also nearly one now and yes it is perfectly normal to feel as you do.
I had a major wobble when prem ds was one. I feel it this time, but not so intense as I was expecting it again, if that makes sense?
Yes, tired tearful and still annoyed I never got a pregnancy spa day. I am aware of how lucky we are, but you still have the right to be pissed off. It gets easier, the first year is hard.

Hello Plenty. How are you? Good to hear about your experience. X

All fine here thanks. Dd has been a far easier baby than ds. She appears to have caught up quite quickly.
Ds took longer and we had recent worries about his walking. It was unrelated to him being prem, but mil made the comment about it being due to me having him early. That hurt.
Dd is however, a rubbish sleeper and I have gone back to work so I am very tired
How has it been for you?
Did you know that alot of mums of prems can suffer from a level of ptsd? I found that unless you have experienced it nobody really understands unfortunately.

My 30 weeker is almost 9 months and I do feel more emotionally drained with her than after DC1

Our DS is a rubbish sleeper, i can't imagine having to work on top of having no sleep. We are currently trying to conceive as well! X