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Premature birth

Connect with others and find premature birth support.

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Original poster

Do you think you will ever get over your premmies birth.

22 replies

zzzaaaccc1 · 16/05/2014 20:53

I have been a bit of a lurker on the sight since my son was born in January 30+5 days ( and it helped so much to read all your stories) after 7 weeks in Neo natal we are home and things are going well. He had an out patients appointment this week and it was the 1st time i had been back to the hospital since he was discharged and cant believe the feelings it brought out in me, we had to walk past the entrance to the unit and all the feelings came flooding back the stress the uncertainty and i actually got quite emotional.
I was quite surprised by this as i say he is dong well. Has any one else experienced some thing similar? And how long does that feeling stay with you?

And as the title says do you ever really get over a premmie birth.

OP posts:

Bankholidaybaby · 16/05/2014 21:00

I keep reliving the moment the doctor examined me and said: you're 4cm, he's coming, he's coming now and I said: oh, shit.

I think it will get better one day, but we've all been through something traumatic, and now is too soon to expect it not to hurt. Even if your baby turns out not to have any lasting problems, there's a terrible, terrifying fear of their potential difficulties when you're told they have to come out too soon, and that fright has not yet left me, 8 months on.

I found calling Bliss helpful. They can arrange counselling, or contact with other parents of special care babies.

Purpleroxy · 16/05/2014 21:34

I think you will learn to live with what happened but that it could take years, not weeks or months. Gradually it will get better but not a huge amount of time had elapsed so don't worry.

Original poster

zzzaaaccc1 · 17/05/2014 09:01

Thank you both, you are right it hasn't been long at all. I just thought I had dealt with it as we are in such a good routine at home.
Our local midwife unit runs a de - brief on why things happened and why decisions had been made prior to and after birth I wasn't going to bother but i think i may look into this. And may also contact bliss

OP posts:

plentyofshoes · 17/05/2014 23:39

It gets easier as the years go on. Ds will be 6 this year (33 weeks) and the first two years were hard. I can still get upset about the memory of how I felt.
Dd was also prem (33 weeks) and was expected alot earlier so I had prepared myself.
She has been alot easier and has felt more like a term baby.
I feel I missed out on a normal pregnancy with both though especially dd, but I have tried not to let it cloud my time with her. I worried do much with ds and he is fine. In many ways I have been lucky, most importantly they are here.
So yes it does, but go easy on yourself.

Valdeeves · 18/05/2014 22:50

I think it does get easier - both mine were early.
I think you just have to learn to accept that that's how it was for you - that's your birth experience. Sometimes I feel sad though too.
I think people who haven't had a preemie or a poorly baby don't always understand.
You can always talk it through here if you need support.
Happy to listen xxxx

Burmahere · 18/05/2014 22:58

I had premature twins (10 weeks early) ten years ago and it really does get a lot easier. Still vivid but not upsetting. It is very hard to begin with as very few people understand unless they have been through the same.

I still get a bit annoyed when people say how wonderful having a baby is or how they were on a high after the birth - don't think it occurs to them that it isn't the same for everyone.

It really does get massively better though, I rarely even think about it now and yet it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life .

ListWriter · 18/05/2014 23:25

DS birth wasn't premature but it was very traumatic - he had to be resuscitated a few times. I have only been able to start to move past it because of time - he's 2.5yr now. And with the help of a counsellor. Maybe your GP might be able to advise someone to help...?

Original poster

zzzaaaccc1 · 19/05/2014 15:50

Its good to see that it doesn't last forever. I think it was just being back in the hospital environment that did it. we were at the health visitors today and she is going to arrange for some one to go over all my notes with me from when i got taken in through to discharge.

DS was weighed today and from a tiny 2lb 9oz his now a whopping 11lb 5 oz so at least we know we are on the right course now and ive booked on a mother and baby swimming class.

OP posts:

Bankholidaybaby · 19/05/2014 21:23

I had the 'aw, he was just ready to come out!' comment this weekend (for the billionth time). Er, no, no he really wasn't.

Honsandrevels · 19/05/2014 21:33

Oh yes OP, I remember walking past neo-natal to get to a clinic appointment. I felt ill.

I didn't really feel like celebrating dd2's first or second birthdays. We did but it felt wrong to celebrate a date which wasn't a good day. Her birthday was meant to be April not February! I found it hard to explain to people who hadn't been through a premature birth.

I found her third birthday easier so it does fade a bit. I always mean to make a cake on her due date. Any excuse for cake.

kinsorange · 19/05/2014 21:39

For me it was more that they had health problems because they were prem. So everything became more medical than my non prem babies. I think mine essentially lasted until they started school, and I and they could properly join the normal school routine and be, well, a lot more normal.

kinsorange · 19/05/2014 21:41

I was surprised once, when he was older and in secondary school. The teacher asked for anyone to put their hand up who was prem.
My son was the only one to put his hand up. He was surprised too. I hadnt realised till then, how unusual it was. But when I came to think about it, I realised that no one I knew up to that point, had had a prem baby.

plentyofshoes · 20/05/2014 08:00

Hons it is funny you mention the birthdays. I felt awful at the first birthday, not great at the second and fine by thr third.

MiaowTheCat · 20/05/2014 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaandHobnobs · 23/05/2014 20:32

DS has just turned 2, was born at 31+5. I had counselling when he was about 4/5 months old, and although that helped a lot, I found his first birthday quite hard.
By his 2nd birthday I was not affected by it at all - memories of the birth, that is (well actually his birth was fairly calm, it was the three weeks preceding it which were awful).
I now only find myself thinking "why can't his birthday be in June?" and finding it a bit hard that he is going through all the date milestones (2nd birthday, 2 yr check) so much earlier than his peers from my antenatal group.
But for the most part, his prematurity doesn't really feature into our lives anymore. I do recognise that he was/we were very lucky for him not to have any ongoing problems.

Florabeebaby · 27/05/2014 13:26

DD is 3 now, she was born at 32 weeks and it took me a long time to function normally. DS is 19 months and was born at 35 weeks...it hit me very hard when I ended up in the same NICU doing the same tube feeds for him as I had done for DD. I doubt I will ever 'get over it', I live with it, the memories and the experience, pain and fear. It just gets easier to live with as time passes. I am lucky both of my DC are happy, healthy and developing as they should...but I also have decided enough is enough, I would not be able to go through another prem birth.
You will feel better but if you feel like talking, call Bliss...they were amazing with me and arranged counselling whilst I waited for the NHS appointments.

MulberryPeony · 20/06/2014 21:02

I still have the odd tear at 7 years (32 weeks) but my second was born last year at term and I think that has helped work through some of the emotions. Give yourself time and let the tears flow if it helps.

Princessdeb · 20/06/2014 21:25

My DD (now 7) was born at 33 weeks and maybe because my waters had broken 3 days before I went into labour and I had received 2 doses of steroids to speed up her lung development she was remarkably well, 4lb 13oz and never even required any oxygen, only spent nine days in special care. I knew early on when I went into labour that I would need an EMCS (footling breech) so it was worrying but not particularly traumatic as it all felt planned and under control. Having said that given the very poor post natal care I received I wasn't too upset when they knocked the hospital down! I never had any problems with birthdays.

You have been through a very traumatic time OP and have probably been kept incredibly busy having your baby home. Maybe this is just the first time that you have had the time or space to attend to how you are feeling about those difficult experiences. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the space to grieve for the pregnancy and early newborn days you expected to have.

Loveallmyboys · 21/06/2014 15:21

It's totally understandable that you felt like that. It's a traumatic experience! If you'd had a bump in your car, you'd relive it when you got behind the wheel again, wouldn't you!
My son is almost 11 now. He was born at 29weeks after my waters broke at 23weeks. He weighed 2lb 11oz and was in scbu for 9 weeks. I basically went into shock as soon as my waters went. Every time I hear the beeps of a sats monitor, even on tv, or smell the hand sanitiser, the memories come flooding back, even 11 years later.
Even though it was a scary and unpredictable time, I now see the memories as positive ones as he is absolutely fine!
Give yourself time. You've been through a lot but your baby is doing great :) x

johull · 09/07/2014 04:23

No, never. It was awful and even though she's fine now- reliving it Is awful. I also think that's why I've struggled with PND and breastfeeding. I love her but hated the whole experience.
My heart goes out to all other preemie mummy's. You're amazing!

CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 09/07/2014 05:04

I was born at 28 weeks weighing just under 2lbs because my mum had pre eclampsia. Given how long aho it was I'm amazed to have survived. I remember her talking about how I didn't have proper skin yet.
My digestive system wasn't properly formed but that didn't come to light until I was in my late 30s and was improved with surgery.

I'll ask mum more about how she felt etc next time I speak to her and post back.

Chuckading · 14/07/2014 20:38

My ds is 2 and I haven't yet. I could go through everything that happened to me again, and the emergency section terrified me! if only they could guarantee me I would see my baby before he was whisked off to Scbu. I didn't get to meet my baby until the following day, so to me the photos of him on day 1 aren't my baby, he doesn't look like my baby when I met him. I know it sounds stupid but I can't shake that feeling. That said he has got better and easier. For ages after I would just cry at the thought of his birth.

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