Having trouble coping 9 months on

[ShoopShoop]

Hello All
Just what the title says really. DD was born at 32 weeks 9 months ago after I was very ill with PE and HELLP syndrome. We're both fine now. However, the enormity of it all is really only just hitting me. I've been back at work a month now and perhaps that's what has triggered it. My chest feels like it's so tight sometimes and I'm really fighting to breathe properly when I think about my DD and what she's been through and how close it was for both of us. Wires by Athlete came on the radio the other day and it affected me so much I thought I was going to faint.

I sound so over dramatic, I'm sorry. I'm normally a really strong, happy person, but I just can't fight this feeling. Has anyone else had similar experiences? I feel like I should just give myself a big slap round the face and tell myself to pull myself together.

Sorry for the downer post. Just sat at work and not sure what to do with myself!

Thanks for listening if you got this far!

Not dramatic at all, Shoop, completely understandable.

The first year after DS2 was born prematurely I kept telling myself those feelings were normal because we'd all been through so much. It was when they continued at the same intensity that I realised I needed a bit of help to lay things to rest.

Lots of MNers swear by BLISS or the Birth Trauma Association and they will talk to you over the phone. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone more objective than friends or family. I always worried that they were worrying about me and so I put on a brave face.

I would describe myself as a strong, happy person too, but nothing in my experience prepared me for a premature baby. I think there is strength in realising things are not right/not improving and finding help to get back on track.

Hi Shoop Shoop,

I really feel for you.

It's totally normal to have the feelings you are having. It sounds as if you may be experiencing mild panic attacks. No matter how strong a person you are, it's really traumatic to experience a prem deliver, the hospital stay with pre-e, the worry over the baby's condition, NICU/SCBU.

I'll share a bit of my story of that's okay- I just don't want you to feel that you're alone in how you feel.

My DD was delivered via semi-emergency c-sec 9 months ago, the day before the planned one, at 35 weeks after a 6 week stay in hospital with pre-e and severe growth restriction. She only weighed 2lb 10ozs at 35 weeks. We were told awful things might happen which, thankfully, didn't but a termination was offered at 32 weeks and getting the images that I'd conjured up of my baby not making it out of my head was almost impossible. SCBU was hard but not awful and we'd known from the 20 week scan that our little girl would be in special care IF we were lucky.

After she was discharged she was really slow to gain weight and had
complications unrelated to IUGR and, after being on a complete high for the first 3 months after she was born, I ended up spiralling downwards. I just couldn't get past the flashbacks, I wasn't able to sleep, felt really panicky, had flashbacks and intrusive images, which I can't even type out as it makes my stomach churn. I also developed a very unhealthy relationship with Dr Google- do you know him?- and convinced myself that my dd had all sorts of v rare genetic disorders. Now I've found Mumsnet, I'm kept out of mischief on google. I also felt cheated out of the pregnancy & guilty that I hadn't grown my daughter properly.

Fortunately the SCBU's community nurse spotted that I was in need of help and arranged counselling with an amazing woman who was based on the NICU and I was finally able to tell her about my biggest fears and the intrusive thoughts. After 4 session over a 6 week period I felt much better. She helped me to allow myself to acknowledge that it had been a very traumatic time, she taught me that 'a thought is just a thought' and she was the only person I felt able to tell about the intrusive images I was having.

Now, when I'm tired and especially in the evenings I sometimes feel a little panicky and I have to sleep with the door open so that there's light from the night light as the dark really freaks me but, other than that, I feel 'normal', whatever that is, again. Oh and Bach, the makers of Rescue Remedy, make a nighttime version of rr and I found this helped immensely.

I totally agree with Eye over contacting Bliss and also that it takes strength and courage to say when you really need a bit of help.

Big unmumsnetty hugs for you and I hope you feel better soon.

PS sorry for typos- on iPhone and attempting to get my dd off to sleep with other hand!

Just wanted to add that its normal, but if you do feel like you want to talk to someone BLISS is very good.

I too have "moments" 7 years on - the Athlete song gets me every time, as does Damien Rice (the Blowers daughter - "can't take my eyes off you") - played it most days whilst sniffing a pair of UV goggles that the babies had worn to stimulate my milk supply. I also had a bad experience watching a programme about premature babies where there were triplets that had been born at exactly the same gestation as my twins, but one of the triplets hadn't survived. That really knocked me for six.

I think its normal for it to come back sometimes, I think its so hard to deal with at the time as you just have to get on with everything, and then when the baby/babies come home its manic, and its probably only now when you're sat at your desk thinking about everything that has happened since you were last there, before your maternity leave, that you really have chance to think about it.

Hi shoop I read your thread previously and wanted to post because I was thinking of you yesterday.
Yesterday was my DDs second birthday and I was really upset thinking back to her birth and how we almost lost her and the nicu stay etc.

So I wanted to add to the voices saying how normal this is. I do think you should speak to somebody about your level of anxiety. But being upset about such a traumatic time is so normal. Nine months is nothing. I have a friend who had a preterm baby almost thirty years ago and she says she still gets upset on her daughters birthday.

Gosh - thanks so much for all your messages. It's so reassuring to know I'm not the only one out there who feels this way. I was actually at my GP's last week for an unrelated reason, and just blurted out how I feel. She's arranged for me to see a specialist midwife at the hospital we had DD at to talk speciafically about our case, to rationalise it, and to help move on. I'll see how this goes and then if needed, may contact BLISS - thanks for the recommendation Eye.

Sage - your story sounds similar to mine in many ways. We were so close to losing her for a couple of reasons that I won't go into here, but it's that "what if" that I'm finding hard to deal with. It sounds like you had a great person to speak to in the community nurse. I also have very strange thoughts and dreams, and I also can't forgive myself for being unable to "bond" with DD in the first couple of days after she was born. I just couldn't compute that this tiny thing with tubes and lines was mine. I was waiting for an overwhelming feeling of love that everyone tells you you will have, and it didn't happen to start with. It did of course eventually, but I can't forgive myself for not feeling like "normal" people did at first.

Mandy - I think you're right. The fact that DD has started nursery has given me more time to think. It's also contributed I think to making me feel panicky, because I'm separated from her, if you know what I mean. Oh, The Blowers Daughter - I know it well. Music is so evocative isn't it....

KD - thanks also for the reassurance that 9 months isn't a long time in this journey. I just find it hard to talk to family as they always think I'm the strong one. They'd be really shocked if they found out I felt like this. I haven't even told DH.....

I'm trying to look after myself a bit better too - healthy body, healthy mind, etc so perhaps this will help with feeling just a bit better in myself.

I honestly can't thank you all enough - I feel better just by knowing there are others out there who have gone through / are going through similar x

Hi i just want to add my support and say that jn my experience this is normal. my ds now 4 was born at 26 weeks following a car crash and emergency c section during which we both nearly died. My beautiful boy fought for his life I nearly lost him so many times and he needed several operations. Even now sometimes it hits me especially on his birthday I just have to hold him and feel him breathe you know? knowing that kind of terror I don't think is. Anything you get over you just learn to adapt. I had the opportunity to go over our case and treatment with my dr about 6 months after and I found this really helped me. I am very physically scarred and they explained why they did what they etc and why they needed to treat my son the way they did which was very intensive for weeks sometimes almost brutal, it helped me make peace with what happened. I still can't listen to U2 though-they were on the radio when my car crashed. Sending much love and support

Just found this thread - helps me reading your posts!Sometimes i wonder about myself these days.... My ID twins had twin to twin transfusion syndrome (a problem where the placenta doesn't distribute blood,fluid and food properly to each baby) and i had surgery of the womb at 17 weeks - i then spent an agonising 11 weeks trying to get to week 28 and praying my babies would survive.

Thankfully i managed to carry the babies to 34weeks but there was only 1/3 chance i would ever have two babies -luckily our NICU stay was only 3 weeks and no major complications. But like you it has only been hitting me in the past few weeks as the day to day routine of the twins is becoming easier and i am back to some work!

It's in the few quiet moments that i just become a mess - i guess it takes alot of time to heal from the trauma of all our experiences......