22.2 weeks with DC2 after prem birth of DC1 - shitting myself

[Snowboarder]

I hope this is an ok place to put this thread - I don't want to scare other ladies who are in their second pg but I can't think where else would be appropriate.

My DS was born at 28 weeks after PPROM at 27.3, he is now a strapping 1 year old (9 mo corrected) but I still feel traumatised by his birth and subsequent 2 mo NICU/ SCBU stay.

This second pg was not planned (1st was IVF so we thought a natural pg was nigh on impossible) and it's fair to say that I am terrified. I have not allowed myself to bond with this baby or even really think about him in anything more than a completely abstract sense. Its as though I can't allow myself to feel a connection with him, in case I have to let him go.

Now I'm getting to the point where the baby could be viable (23 weeks) things are getting worse. I know that if DS2 was to arrive soon that he might survive but would likely at worst have lots of health problems, at best a very long NICU/ SCBU stay which would also separate me from DS.

I'm really struggling, feeling very tearful and low - even doubting that I want this baby at all (and then feeling terrible - as if I'm going to damage him with my negativity). I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks. Any words of wisdom please?

Dear Snowboarder, I have no words of wisdom but have absolute sympathy for your feelings. I had my son at 25 weeks and lost him. I cannot think how I will be when (I hope) I get pregnant again. I can imagine that it's a terrifying time and I wish you the best of luck. What have your drs said? Do they think there is a likelihood of it happening again?

Bliss offer free counselling - I think 6 sessions - either by phone or in person. For more information you can call the Bliss Family Support Helpline on 0500 618 140 or visit www.bliss.org.uk

I was in a real state and it was ringing them and booking the counselling that actually made me feel better.

I also had a preemie after IVF. It was a very difficult pregnancy with IUGR and high blood pressure - and the got pregnant naturally when my DS was 18m - I was terrified it was all going to happen again. I have got high BP now but I'm 38 weeks plus and having a caesarian on Thursday.

Hi Expat , my consultant has not given me any assurances about when the baby will be born - just that she does not expect me to get to term. I know that it's common for medical professionals to hold back from making any 'promises' but I feel like a ticking time bomb.

Bearcrumble congratulations on your pregnancy - you must feel like you've been pregnant forever by now. Good luck for Thursday!! I will ring Bliss but I kind of feel like I'd be diverting resources from people who really need them. I guess I feel like a bit of a fraud as DS is fine now, and DS2 is fine so far.

You are not a fraud. You had a terrifically frightening time with DS1 and these things stay with us. How are you feeling today?

Hi Expat I am feeling a bit better today thanks. Rang Bliss earlier and spoke to a lovely woman who says I'm exactly the sort of person who would benefit from counselling sessions.

I told her a bit about everything that's happened and she feels that I really need to deal with it all so that I can try to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy, and the baby - whenever he arrives.

The problem is that I had cervical cancer - I leapt straight from that into IVF, had a terrible pregnancy with DS1 which ended with his birth at 28 weeks, I was really poorly (major infection) and he spent 2 horrible months in NICU and SCBU and I haven't dealt with ANY of this at all. I've just tried not to think about it. The only trouble is that now I'm pregnant again, I'm having to think about it again.

Hoping beyond hope that the counselling will help. I already feel more positive having just made the phone call.

You've had a really tough time - my heart goes out to you. But yes, you have a new little life inside you and it would be great if counselling could help you enjoy this time a bit more. Is it easy for you to get that where you are? Does your neonatal unit have a psychologist? You are being well looked after and this really doesn't have to end the same way.

It is heartbreaking when your child is born early, I know, I have two preemies and one on the way who I fully expect to arrive early as well. But i found second time round it was easier to cope with the loss(?) Of your pregnancy (this is not meant as in mc but the feeling of body confusion that is like you have lost something iykwim) and the subsequent nicu/scbu stay. It's was still desperately hard as you worry terribly of course but less so than the first (more unexpected) prem birth. I have NO way to comfort you, I can't lie it will tear you in two. But I can say you have a beautiful boy already who has made it and you should think of that rather than what might happen.

I'm glad you called - I really hope it helps you handle the fears and emotions this time round and I think you're definitely the kind of person they are there to help. And of course hoping that this pregnancy is easier on you - fingers crossed you get to 34 weeks plus.

Expat luckily Bliss are putting me in touch with a specially trained counsellor who can do sessions over the phone or via Skype. I keep telling myself that this pregnancy won't necessarily end the same way as my last one (or worse), but unfortunately that logic seems to be automatically overruled by my stupid fears and anxieties which seem to be running wild at the moment. Hopefully the counselling will help.

Aceofbase hats off to you for dealing with 2 premature births so far, I hope you get a longer and less eventful pregnancy this time around. I have been told that I won't go to term but I don't know quite how premature this baby will be. I struggled terribly the first time around with the "loss" of my pregnancy. Being in hospital every day and seeing the blooming ladies with their bumps and people leaving with their brand new bouncing babies was very, very hard. I think that's why this time around I feel less 'attached' to the pregnancy. I feel it is so tenuous that I shouldn't try and enjoy it. It's just one thing I have to try and sort out. This could be my last ever pregnancy, it is such a shame not to enjoy it as much as I can.

Bearcrumble thank you for your kind words. To get to 34 weeks would be wonderful and is definitely what I'm aiming for. It would be lovely to have a short stay in hospital and be able to feed my baby and take him home with me not long after birth. Fingers crossed.