Upset on DS2's first birthday - feel so stupid

[stillfrazzled]

I feel ridiculous. DS2 is one today, after a terrifying start - waters broke at 35+3 and although I failed to go into labour, a scan showed he had IUGR and a week max to live if not born straight away.

Had EMCS, he weighed in at 3lbs 5ozs and spent 3 weeks in SCBU.

Today he is small for his age but healthy, strong, cheerful, chubby, charming and beloved.

We have been so, so lucky.

So why am I spending his first birthday on the point of tears? The day of his birth was the worst of my life, and the three weeks that followed were the hardest, but they're a year away so why do I feel upset all over again?

Did anyone else have this?

yes. It is entirely normal, and IME almost every mother of a prem baby or a baby who had a difficult start spends their first brithday on the edge of tears, if not in floods of tears.

You said yourself that the day of his brith was the worst of your life, and gvien that it is entirely natural to find th anniversary of the worst day of your life difficult.

yes you have a healthy, strong, cheerful, chubby, charming and beoved DS and you know you were lucky, but you also know and remember that it could easily have been so diffiuclt.

My DS is 22 months actual, born at 29 weeks, and had just been diagnosed with CP on his fisrt birthday. I gave clear instructiosn that his brithday was to be ignored. Some people didn't do that, but I really wish they had. When DS is old enough to understand his brithday we will celebrate it, but until then Iwill celebrate the day he was discharged from hospital, as that was a happy day rather than a traumatic one.

It does get easier, be kind to yourself, and don't worry if you don't think you feel what you should

I have no personal experience of this but I really don't think you shouldn't feel ridiculous! That sounds like a horrendously traumatic time - I think it's only natural that the anniversary of it might bring some really difficult feelings back. Be kind to yourself.

I was surprised I felt so flat on DS2's first birthday. I had thought it would be a real cause for celebration because after a very shaky start, he was doing so well.

I have older children and all the school things at the end of summer like sports day, celebration afternoon, DS1's birthday, all happened in the two weeks before DS2's unexpected arrival. Going through them all again the next year made me remember what it had been like being 7 months pregnant, so happy, with no clue of what was to happen. I remembered so clearly laughing with my pregnant friend because we had an easy out from the mums' race. Argh!

Is everything else OK stillfrazzled? That flat feeling was the first hint that I wasn't coping as well as I thought I was. When he was 18 months I went to a counsellor and that's when I started to feel better - before that it was like the whole birth/hospital stay were on a loop in my mind.

It's perfectly normal. It's the anniversary of something quite traumatic happening in your life and your DS's first birthday - a year ... after being told he might not make it! You'd have to have a heart of steel for today not to be emotional!

I hope you have also enjoyed the day :)

FGS, I'm a wreck this week and E was a perfectly healthy 'normal' baby!

Even without ds2 being early and all the drama that brought, this past 12 months have not been easy have they? I would think that has a big effect on how you are feeling.

I hope he had a lovely day and please be kind to yourself. I know it's not the same but I often feel like I should be so grateful to have dd2 that I can never be down about anything she does. If she is fractious or making me want to lock myself in another room I kind of feel like I have to suck it up as I went through so much to have her iyswim.

Happy Birthday ds2.

See, this is why I love MN.

Thank you all for making me feel more normal.

It's true that I don't really think of his birthday as the day to celebrate - that would be the day he came home from hospital, or maybe the day he should have been born. Although obv I will never let on to him, poor lad - no-one needs to think of their bday as the day their mother was traumatised for life, right?

Beertricks and Eye, I hadn't really thought about this but Christmas was actually a bit sad, too, because I kept thinking that this time last year I was happily pregnant and looking forward to the birth, and didn't know that things were about to go very wrong for us.

I'm hoping that now we've got one year under our belts it will bring some kind of closure, has that been your experience?

I don't think I'm depressed, but possibly still a bit traumatised. I have experienced (put myself under, TBH) enormous amounts of stress about DS2's health and tininess and rate of catch-up growth. Have been obsessive about his size, measured him far too often, wept at weigh-in, been neurotic about feeding him exactly the right food as if that will 'fix' things... I think I do also still feel irrationally guilty about failing to grow him properly, although these days he's such a chunky little vandal that it's hard to feel quite such a pang as when he was a poor skinny little dot...

I might have a think about talking to someone, just to get it all straight in my head. Have found it helped after my mcs.

And mumatron, you hit the nail on the head - I feel bad if I get annoyed when DS2 keeps me up at night, as if I don't have the right to resent it. Doesn't nec stop me, I just feel bad about it

Thanks to you a

I ended up having a panic attack - never had one before or since at about 18 months on. I wasn't depressed - actively happy on lots of levels - but when I did an on-line PTSD questionnaire (flashbacks, dreams, level of anxiety etc) I ticked lots of boxes.

I had lots of support from friends and family and talked to them along the way. But I didn't want them to worry about me so wasn't honest about exactly how I felt. The counsellor helped because I was able to tell the story of DS2's birth from beginning to end (traumatic birth, 8 weeks in SCUBU, operation at 5 months) and think well, bugger me, no wonder you're stressed.

I'd been coping for everyone else and like you say, still worrying about all those extra things you worry about with a prem baby, and it just sat on my chest like a huge weight. I saw the counsellor 8 times at the most and everything just lifted.

I'm glad I started posting on here. I posted in some other threads & got nothing but rude responses & nobody seemed to understand. That first year was the most emotional for me. I cried my eyes out on there first birthday partly because of what they'd been through & also because I didn't want it to end!. I felt daft too! but I agree with comments on here it is extremely normal my twins are now 2 & I still get emotional when they do little things like smile or laugh (i'm welling up now! lol) or do things for the first time. I also think it takes a while for the hormones to setle down. I kept having people telling me that there was something wrong with me! but I think back to what one of the nurses told me on the ward & that was that the babies don't remember its the parents that are traumatised by it!. just remember that & forget what anyone else thinks if they haven't been through it they don't have a cliue.

I totally agree with the comments about feeling traumatised. My son was born at 28wks weighing 1lb 11oz, we had our share of problems and a lot of uncertainty following quite serious brain bleeds. That said by the time he was turning 1 it was obvious any future difficulties wld be only minor ones. Even so I can honestly say it took me the best part of 4 years before I began to feel 'normal' again. Even now (and ds is just turned 9!), I still haven't got past the point of blubbering my eyes out to Enrique singing 'Hero'! :0
Looking back I think talking through it over and over to my fab (and extremely patient) friends, helped immensely and counselling wld have been valuable. Remember don't be hard on yourself, hopefully just knowing that others feel/have felt this way, I hope will help.
Glad to hear ds is doing so well and that's definitely worth celebrating!

I'm glad to hear it gets better, I'm feeling rather wobbly as her second birthday approaches.

It has got better and easier every year for us too.
28 wk DD now 14, spent 16 weeks in hospital.
Always determined that her birthdays would be to celebrate, and put the next day aside for quiet time. Slightly different situation though, as was also grieving for her twin brother who only lived for a day.
Never had any counselling, but on hindsight could have done with it, as DH had a breakdown when she was 3 and I was not in too good a place 4 or 5 years on from that.
Feeling guilty whenever I get angry with her has still not gone away.