Advice on bonding/attachment? Premature twins being delivered soon.

[Arabella36]

Can anyone give advice on where to read about this? I'm wondering how the separation will affect them as I know they'll be in incubators for a while.
TIA for any advice

Thanks very much, I'll have a look at that

where are you based? I run a Bliss group in east london and would heartily recommend speaking to people who've been through it all before. only they can really understand.

Try the Bliss message board too - www.blissmessageboard.org.uk

I think a common feeling (but not everyone) is that you might not feel very bonded at first but instead feel an overwhelming instinct to protect your babies, a need to defend them from the medical staff, to interfere, to advocate for them. This is, in fact, a form of bonding because it's demonstrating love. But for many prem mummies it takes a little while for the gushy warm feelings to kick in. Prem mummies are at higher risk of post natal depression too. But the vast majority of us manage to get through the NICU time relatively unscathed - the feelings of despair, unfairness, beign out of control etc subside in time and the sheer pleasure of having our babies with us, alive and (mostly) healthy takes over. After all, our babies are special, in their short lives they have already faced down more than many people do in teh whole lives, and they won. So we can be extra proud of them, and them of us too. xxx

Thank you Michaela for replying, I've just noticed your post. I checked to see if there are any bliss groups near me but there aren't. It was interesting to read what you said - hopefully it will prepare me a bit for what to expect in terms of my own reaction. I will have a look at the bliss message board.

Do you know if any research has been done into the likelihood of attachment disorders in children who were premature, compared to full term children? And of course into what you can do to reduce the chance of this happening? It's easy to find info on incidences of various physical/intellectual disabilities but not emotional /psychological stuff. My twins will be 33 weeks.

Thanks again:)

Hi, have you read about Kangaroo care (skin to skin)? There is lots of research demonstating the positive effect of kangaroo care on both babies and parents and it was greatly encouraged in the unit where my DD2 was born at 23+5. I too have read very little relating to attachment disorders and premature birth (never really mentioned in the many books I have here!), however I did talk at length to my daughter's consultant about this while she was in NICU. His view was that attachment takes place over a much longer period than the length of time a premature baby is typically in hospital and that provided we had plenty of opportunities to cuddle and communicate with our baby during her stay in hospital, then it was not something we should be especially concerned about. Naturally I was though!

My experience of kangaroo care was that staff would get DD2 out of the incubator and literally pop her down my top so that she would lie upright on my chest and we would stay like that for hours....and hours! Lovely, lovely bonding time. It was a bit stressful at first as she was very tiny, still ventilated with lots of lines, so I hardly dared move. Also at first it was too much stimulation for her to be out of the incubator, so she could only manage a short "cuddle", but by the time she was 33 weeks, it just became a lovely time, just the two of us. It is a horrifying experience to be away from your baby and to feel that physical separation when they are in the incubator but I can honestly say that looking back at the four months we spent in NICU, my strongest memories are of those precious hours spent snuggling, singing, reading and sleeping with my DD2 during kangaroo time. My husband would also go to the hospital after work (luckily he was working right next door) and have his own kangaroo time in the evenings.

Incidentally there have been no signs so far (and she is 20 months corrected) that the separation she experienced has affected my daughter at all, she has been no different in terms of bonding/attachment/general behaviour from DD1 who had a "perfect" home birth at term.

Hope all goes well xxx

Hi there. I just wanted to say that its a perfectly understandable worry but once the babies are here, you'll get lots of opportunity to touch them / cuddle them etc. I had twins at 27+6 and it is really hard to start with - I think I was still in shock for a few days and was worried about touching them - they seemed so fragile and tiny and I was conscious that I didn't know how to hold them - but as others have said, the staff will help you and support you 100% in developping a bond with them. Even when they're in the incubators you'll be allowed to do daily "cares" - changing nappies, giving them a little wash with cotton wool and purified water etc, and if they're tube fed in the first instance, holding the tube and pouring the milk in etc. You'll get lots of opportunities for Kangaroo care - my hospital used to have an hour a day where only parents were allowed on the unit with minimal staff and it was "quiet" time - everyone got to have cuddles for an hour at least (obviously as long as the babies were well enough) and there were other opportunities throughout the day. The bond is there - thats why they encourage kangaroo care because the baby's breathing / oxygen rates / heart rates all settle down. The babies will know your voice, your touch, your smell - it sounds far fetched but even when my twins were intensive care, they would try to open their eyes when they heard my voice. They will know you, honestly.

It is hard - you do feel (or I did anyway) that they're not your babies to start with - the concept of having to ask a nurse if you're allowed to have a cuddle, or to help you get them out of the incubator, and the feeling of helplessness that they're hooked up to all these monitors and you can't do anything - but that only lasts a short time. I would think quite quickly you'll be encouraged to try feeding them if you're having them at 33 weeks - from about 34 weeks I was trying to establish breast feeding and that was obviously lovely to hold them 5 and 6 times a day and feel like a "proper mother". My advice would be to be at hospital as much as you're physically able - sit by their incubators on ward round, ask the nurses if you can get involved, be a real presence there so everyone knows you as X and Y's Mum - I really felt like because I was there for 14/15hours a day, I knew what was happening, I got to understand the terminology and felt part of their care - obviously I didn't intervene in the medical decisions but I was there when decisions were made so I was always upto speed.

Good luck - twins are the most wonderful blessing in life!

Mandy and tiger lily, thank you for those replies, it was very interesting to read and reassuring. I apologise for not replying sooner but i assumed wrongly that I wouldn't get any more replies once a day or two had passed and so have only just read them because I was scrolling through the 'threads I started' section.

Thanks again