My friend had a baby at 26 weeks, I would like advice on what i can do/say?

[redderthanred]

Very senstive topic, and i hope you can forgive me. But i have no idea what to say/do.

She called me last night, i didnt even know she was pregnant. She only found out a month ago herself. She gave birth 10 days ago, at 26 weeks and her baby is in a hospital an hour away.

Shes not seeing her daily and has been only a few times. Her baby had to have an operation and a stoma? put in? ( is that digestive probelms??

I was totally blindsided by her news, shes only a young girl, about 20 and shes not with the father, in fact he doesnt even know.

Shes at home with her family, she is/was totally unprepared for the baby as she had only found out 4 weeks before going into early labour.

I told her congratulations and asked the babys name and things like that. I said i would love to see her and the baby when the move to a hospital closer, or when she comes home with her. I asked if i could see a pic ( i have no idea if that was right or not, but wanted to acknowledge a baby was still born, despite all the drama and problems ( thats not even the right words, im sorry)

And i text back that she looked perfect, and so tiny and she was beautiful and congratulations to her.

Im seeing her friday as she wants to get out of the house and see a different face for a while.

I was thinking of a baby girl card for the momment? but i just dont know.

I dont know what to say, or do or how i can help at all.

again - sorry if this comes across insensitive or horrible i dont mean it that way at all. Ive had no experince of this at all and i just feel useless and ill informedr and clumsy with what im trying to say.

Hello- how stressful for your friend and how kind of you to look out for her. You do not come across as insensitive, quite the opposite! I would get a card- I loved getting congrats and cards even though my son had a very rough ride at first.

You could suggest your friend looks at the Bliss website where there is a lot of info and a message board. Is transport the reason she hasn't been able to visit much? The hospital may have a room where she can stay to be close to her baby. It can help the baby having her close, getting skin to skin care etc.

No experience of stoma but there is a thread on here (maybe children's health) about baby stomas, it might help her to know there are others going through the same thing.

I think you are doing the right thing just by being there. Hope the baby and your friend are ok.

Hi, you sound really sensitive to me, please don't worry about how you come across. There is no "right" way to act and I've heard of people being offended by one behaviour and another by the exact opposite - e.g. celebrating the birth. Personally I wanted people to celebrate after we got a bit of a delayed, tentative response. But I guess if we'd had overwhelming joyous cards with no reference to the situation too i'd have been a bit "ummm, don't you realise this is serious?"

on balance I think i would get a card, celebrate with her, and acknowledge the situation too.

Definitely send her over to the Bliss message board - kept me sane!

The first days and weeks are the worst - generally the longer the baby has been alive the less critical the situation (but not always of course). A lot of babies have stomas fitted, it's often required due to a nasty disease called NEC which can be life threatening. The positive side is that they have taken action so have identified a problem and done something, NEC is worst when it is sudden onset and the medical intervention is too late.

Sounds like she is struggling to visit - is this because of transport or because of the shock and a lack of bonding? If its the second you could gently encourage her. It makes a big difference to the babies, somehow they know if you are there, so the more time she can stay there the better (but she will have to take care of herself too of course). It sounds like she had a huge shock finding out she was pregnant not long ago, then another huge shock going into early labour,so it wouldn't be suprising if she was struggling to accept the situation.

Bliss also have a helpline you can ring and talk to other parents who've been through it, another life saver.

Sorry this is a random stream of consciousness, too late at night for my brain. Good luck! Well done for being such a good friend.

I think the other two posts have pretty much covered it! She may find it difficult to bond with the baby as it seems to have been so fast. I'd agree to gently encourage her to see the baby as often as she can, you could offer to go with her if you're ok to do that. The hospital can be a bit lonely, sitting next to the cot all day.
And the card is a lovely idea, people held back when our dd2 was premature and I was a little upset as dd1 had had such a fuss.

My friend had a baby at 24 weeks earlier this year. She is a very private, anxious person anyway and she did not want to see or speak to anyone at first, but we kept in touch by text. It was her second baby and our circle of "1st baby" friends clubbed together and sent her flowers and a card, to let her know she was in our thoughts and prayers. When her son died 3 weeks later we made a contribution to Bliss and the hospital in her son's name. She did come out to a playgroup and a birthday party with her older child whilst her son was alive and I just asked her how he was but did not dig deeper than she was willing to offer up. On one occassion she said she was her for her older child, the baby was OK in the hospital with his dad and she would just like to enjoy the afternoon with her friends.

I'd say be there for her, acknowledge the baby, hold her hand as much as she needs, but be prepared that she may want some time to herself and her thoughts too.

You have had some good advice here and you are such a lovely friend for wanting to do the right thing. I had a baby at 26 weeks, 9 weeks ago and would agree that you should absolutely celebrate the birth, its a fantastic thing. But equally you should acknowledge the terrifying ordeal she is going through. Give her space to cry and say the things that she probably feels she shouldn't say because they feel selfish or wrong, my best friends made it clear they would never judge me and let me rant and I have really needed that!

i had a premature son and its one of the most worrying times ever theres not a lot anyone can say or do to make them feel better at that time not even doctors,when they said to me oh hes doing well i kinda was like hhhm yeah what do you know lol i know that sounds rude but at that time all you can think is the worst posabilitys but when he was born my family and friends were there for me some didnt say anything but i knew they were there for me so mabye your friend knows you are there for her with out you saying much,you could go see her,or just phone her and say you are there for her no matter what and ask how she is,might sound odd but when you have a baby it is all centered on the baby like hows baby how much did the baby weigh especialy when you have a premature baby wich is understandable but next time you speak to her ask how she is it'll show you care for hows shes feeling when you go see her dont completely avoid the subject but talk bout other things it will help her alot she might not be talkative or anything at this time but when baby is out of hospital she'll look back and see who was there for her and see what a rele good friend she has in you :)