Cousin given birth at 28 weeks to 1lb 6oz baby. When to visit? What to take? Help and advice needed!

[saoirse86]

My cousin had her little boy today, she's about 28 weeks and he weighs just 1lb 6oz. They were told he'd probably only survive for an hour but he's fighting all expectations so far, although it has only been 9 hours. When's best to actually get a card and pressies? Then what should we get? I'm sure she'd appreciate it but everyone feels so nervous about the whole situation as we don't know what's going to happen.
Also, I'm 33+6 and my sister's 34+5 both with very big and healthy babies it seems. When should we consider going to visit? We're worried about upsetting her when things are so difficult for her, but don't want her to think we're staying away.

Every hour counts at this stage. 28 weeks is not extremely premature although it is obviously early days and your cousin won't know what the next few hours days will bring.

In my opinion send her a text/message saying you are thinking about them all, and would like to see them when appropriate. Then speak to your aunt/uncle as if she is anything like me the other prem mums I met one of the worst things in the very early days is having to communicate with more than one person. I got soo tired by saying the same thing several times over, and having one route of communciation from your cousin to the wider family and friends can be a lot easier.

Personally I asked people not to congratulate me at the time of the birth. I know that I am very unusual in this regard. The problem if you do ask people not to congratulate you is that by the time my LO was home noone bothered and I missed out. It was right for me at the time. Some people feel that they should be treated just like any other mum and congratulated at the time of the birth. As a result I can't really help on that one.

What you can do and which is always appreciated is something for the parents, offer to cook, bring food to them, if they have other children offer to babysit, get "nice" stuff for your cousin to use in hospital. If she didn't ave time to sort a hospital bag she probably doesn't have shower gel, soap, shampoo, etc and anything which makes her feel just that little bit more human is welcome. Make it clear that you are there for the parents.

As reards going to visit, again ask your aunt/uncle. Also check hospital policies, if the baby is that small it is presumably in intensive care and there are often very strict visiting rules there due to the risk of infection. So if you do visit don't necessarily expect to see the baby.

Oh and finally listen if your cousin wants to talk to you, don't take it personally if she doesn't. The important think is for her to knwo you are there for her, her baby and will do whatever you can.

I will keep my fingers crossed it works out. My 29 weeker is sitting in his bouncy chair cooing as I type. I did not expect that to happen on the day he was born.

As the mother of a 26-weeker who is currently nearly 7 weeks old and just out of NICU (but still has a long way to go before home), personally I loved people sending small baby clothes and soft toys (they can go in the incubator), because it felt like a positive 'welcome to the world' kind of message, even though things were terribly uncertain at that point - but I guess some people might find that difficult. The picture will probably be a little clearer in a couple of days.

Visiting - be guided by her. Personally I haven't wanted anyone but immediate family at the hospital, it's too much of an infection risk. And yes, unfortunately, it'll probably be difficult for her to see you with bumps, as it'll be such a direct reminder of what she's lost.

In terms of practical help, try not to say to her 'oh do let me know what I can do' - that puts the onus on her, and she has no spare energy to think up useful things for you to do. What has really been brilliant for us over the past few months is people doing helpful things on their own initiative that require no input from us - eg sending an emergency package of homemade chocolate brownies, a casserole, that kind of thing.

Regardless of how things turn out, and whether you send a card, flowers or food or whatever, the most important thing of all is: keep, keep, keep on sending messages of support via any means possible (mobile is good as people don't have to reply, in which case just leave an 'i'm thinking of you' message on the answerphone), and carry on doing it, again and again, even if you get no reply. Better say someting, even if it's clumsy, than withdraw for fear of offending her. I'm only just starting to be able to face replying to messages, 7 weeks down the line. But they are what have kept me going through the darkest days of my life. At my lowest points I've been reminded of that massive outpouring of love and support, and though I'm not a particularly spiritual kind of person, I think we have - including my little son - drawn from that the strength that we need to carry on.

Good luck to your cousin. I'll be willing her daughter on.

My ds2 was born at 28wks also. I really appreciated all the good wishes and cards and congratulations but couldn't cope with visitors in the early NICU space is usually tight & IME for the parents/grandparents. Add in all tte DR's & 1to1 nursing there really isn'toom for extra visitors & emotionaly itwwaas ur by hour so only wanted to focuson ds.
i would send in card & maaybe small pressie with a note that you would love to come & see the new arrival as soon as they are ready.
Congratulations to your cousin & i'll be thinking of her ds x

sorry, I meant son of course!

Thank you all for all your help. We decided to pop a card round to her mums as she and her partner haven't gone home yet. We've decided to buy some nice things for her and possibly a little teddy. We've realised clothes aren't even made for babies less than 3lb so won't be buying them yet. Thanks again everyone, and I hope all your LO's are doing well. xx

Hi Saoirse. I replied to your other thread. I am thinking of your cousin and I hope things are going as well as they can be.

My little man was 1lb 4oz when he was born and we ordered some tiny clothes from babyprem.com who make them smaller than 3lb. Some hospitals don't dress the really tiny ones though so it might be worth checking, but we were glad to have some anyway as mementos.

I hope your cousin is being well looked after. We were given a room in the hospital to be close, and I was very grateful for shower gel, moisturiser etc that my sisters brought me because I didn't have anything.

Thinking of you all.