Support needed for daughter seeking NHS or BPAS termination services

[Mylifehasimploded]

My daughter has just come to me to tell me she’s pregnant. She isn’t ready for a baby (she’s 21) and so wants to terminate. I obviously will support her but I’m secretly so sad because I’d love to be a granny, but I’m currently searching for information on how she accesses a service to end the pregnancy. She has no idea how far along, she’s on birth control but now tells me she’s not good at remembering to take it. We will have that conversation later, but for now, I need to understand if bpas or an nhs service is better because she’s going to need a dating scan

It’s great that you have the relationship she can tell you about this, I was in a similar boat aged 19 and could not have told my mum even though we are so close.

its going back over 15 years, but I remember I just contacted my GP who referred me straight to a clinic. There they went through options including a dating scan and booked the procedure. I have no regrets about it as my life would be so different now if I’d gone ahead but I do still feel incredible guilt and shame so she will need lots of support to get through this.

Thank you for your reply. She was worried about telling me, but because she feels shame not because she was scared. We do have a good relationship, her friend was with her and did say that she wishes I was her mum because hers would kill her, but what’s the point in being angry? She’s not the first, won’t be the last. It’s an awful way to learn a lesson, but she’s now wanting the implant. Do you know if the clinics offer that or does she need her GP?

When with the clinics they will discuss future contraceptives, my implant was inserted during my termination.

in terms of you being a granny, I went on to have 3 lovely children in my late twenties/early thirties so there is a chance that she may still want children in the future when in a better position. Although for me that also brought a fresh wave of guilt and shame, as I have never spoken to anyone in real life about it so it is good she will have you for support.

I would just make sure you have a chat with her about how she might feel afterwards and that she cannot turn back time so she needs to be 100% sure.

She’s very good at compartmentalising, so it seems she’s made her decision and now she will put it in a box and never mention it again. I will just have to be quietly supportive, even though I feel completely differently, I’m very conflicted. I know it’s likely the best for her, but I wish it was so different.

First I want to say well done on being the kind of mum your daughter can come to in her time of need for advice and help regardless of how you’re feeling. Just know that your feelings are also valid and you should give yourself the time and patience to work through those too.

I’ve never been through this but the clinic will do the dating scans as part of procedure if someone isn’t sure of when their last period was. They should offer the implant, it’s good your daughter is thinking about this as a person is very fertile after an abortion. BPAS also will have a chat with your daughter if she would like to talk this through with someone impartial. It would be a good idea to suggest that to her even if she has made her mind up.

@Mylifehasimploded hello, i know about your situation but if she or anyone else ever need help because of a crisis pregnancy (often unplanned pregnancy) here a list of resources to help also there some for any hurt or regret after abortion (if ever are).

lightbeforebreath.org/crisis-pregnancy-support-healing/