DH (40) and I (just turned 37) have two DC - DD (5) and DS (just turned 4).
We have, for ages, agonised over whether to go for DC3. It’s heart v head at the end of the day - heart would love another, we have space, we could afford it though it would mean tightening belts etc.
We sat down at Xmas and decided to give it a really narrow window on the basis of ‘what will be will be’. Our line in the sand was not to try after August for various boring but technically relevant family reasons.
We started trying after Xmas and no joy until April. When I fell pregnant in April I was terrified but after a few days started to get really excited. Sadly I had a miscarriage start of May. In the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage we both really wanted to get pregnant again so started trying immediately. After a couple of weeks the dust had settled and we started to talk and discussed the very real advantages of sticking at two. I started to get excited about our lifestyle being easier after 5 years straight of nursery bills, broken nights, worrying about money. We could take the kids on mega holidays, do the kitchen extension we’ve talked about - all the things we put on the back burner while focused on preschoolers.
Fast forward two weeks and of course - I’m pregnant. We’re really at a crossroads about whether to keep the pregnancy.
Arguments for:
- We always wanted a gang. The baby stage lasts hardly any time at all (though I know it doesn’t feel it!) - we would love three children, the gang/tribe vibe.
- We know we would unconditionally love the baby and we reckon the existing pair would love him/her too.
- We do have the space, although baby would have to cope with a box room until one of the eldest two moved out (or I guess could move downstairs).
- We’re comfortable financially (at the moment - see below)
- I get a good maternity package
- DH is a genuinely good egg and I know we would be ok (if a bit snippy with each other when exhausted)
Cons:
- We are just getting our lives back after 6 years of heavy going, do we really want to throw another few years of grind into the mix?
- can we give our existing two the time money and energy they deserve if we have a third
- no guarantees existing DC would love the baby…
- financially - we are ok at the moment but DH does contract work so there’s always a bit of uncertainty and I’m scared about whether a lean period with 3 DC would be harder
- The age gap - DD would be 6 and DS nearly 5, is it too much?
- Are we too old? I feel fairly knackered at just 37, am I pushing it to start all over again?
- We could have all the nice things - the holidays, the kitchen extension etc. All that would go on the back burner again.
- DS 4 has some potential SN and may need us more in future years
- Usual worries about twins, disabled DC3 etc
I’ve called BPAS and have a chat lined up for next week but I really don’t know what to do.
I know no one can tell me as it’s my life but what would you do?