Hello everyone,
I had a TFMR (termination for medical reasons) at the start of January due to our beautiful baby boys diagnosis of mosaic Edwards. This diagnosis came much later in pregnancy than a usual Edwards diagnosis, because of it being mosaic and not full (there are actually 3 kinds of Edwards presentations- full, partial, and mosaic), and so I was around 22 weeks when I gave birth to our perfect boy. The entire pregnancy was very difficult for me, and then of course so was being a childless Mother. I still struggle with the choice to have a TFMR that was made amongst things.
Aside from the pregnancy being difficult because we went so long without a diagnosis even though we could see different things that were wrong, and from the pregnancy physically draining me as well as me suffering from morning sickness, it was also incredibly difficult because my partner had already begun displaying symptoms of psychosis at the time we found out we were pregnant. The symptoms never let up, and as a result our relationship has been very abusive and toxic since right after it started. I have completely lost myself to it. I have gone from a confident and happy girl to a very anxious and insecure shell of a person, who is really depressed actually. My partner still hasnt attended a therapy session after promising to do so on many occasions, and even missed one that he paid to attend on the Saturday just gone. This was because he was using cocaine on Friday and Saturday, which of course worsens his psychosis severely- it now turns out this has been a staple in his life for as long as I have known him.
I am now exactly 8 weeks pregnant and I am terrified. My partner says he will stop the drugs and look after us, that we can do this, but this has been a long time coming (about 11 months time now) and Im not sure anything is actually going to change. I worry about continuing the pregnancy if our relationship really ends, and then worry about him having our child with him alone if he is not in the right frame of mind/on a comedown and moody etc., and I also worry about if our relationship does work- Im so anxious and insecure now that I fear I would be the most abusive partner now even if my partner resolves all of his own issues? Not to forget that my OCD symptoms are severe at the moment due to the stress. I havent even had time to be scared of another severe genetic condition diagnosis/likewise, like a parent would be after our last pregnancy, because of the issues that there are between us.
On Friday, before my partner went out and got drunk and used cocaine again, he drove me to my abortion clinic appointment where I had my scan and was prescribed the medication as well as codeine. After it he dropped me off at home and went back to work. He was really cold. When he finished work he went straight to the pub despite all of the texts and missed calls he had on his phone from me, and when he finally answered he told me he was staying out and doing drugs either way. I was crying this entire time alone at home, and I begged him crying when he answered for him to not get the drugs- Ive never been able to stop him.
I havent been able to take the medication since being prescribed it because I havent felt sure that its right. I think about how this baby is the little sibling of a boy so dearly loved and missed, who looked so gorgeous and peaceful at birth, and I struggle to know what is right. I cant imagine just letting this new little baby go down the toilet like they arent worth more? I love them so much, I just want to do what is right. There are more details to this situation as there always are, but I feel like Im so overwhelmed and lost right now. Does anyone have any advice please?