Unsure whether post-abortion grief means I truly want a fourth child

[KatieBee25]

Hi everyone , I am looking for honest opinions please, but try not to be too harsh because I’m already really torn and sensitive about this.

Earlier this year I had an abortion at 5 weeks pregnant, it was an unexpected pregnancy and unplanned . At the time I genuinely thought it was the right decision however I do think it was a rushed decision because I wanted it over with quickly before the pregnancy progressed as I know if I thought too long I would change my mind.
I’ve got 3 kids already, who are 9,7 and 2. All my family are in another country and we have no help (apart from my husband who is amazing) but I panicked about coping with another baby.

But ever since I can’t stop thinking about it and now I desperately want another baby. It’s like something switched after the abortion and I feel grief and regret mixed with wanting another chance. Some days I feel totally sure I want a 4th, other days I think I must be mad because I already struggle with the load I have now. I've started therapy but so far it's not really helping much.

I genuinely can’t tell if this is grief/regret talking after the abortion, or if deep down I really do want one more child and would regret not having another.

Has anyone been through similar after an abortion? Did the feeling pass or did you go on to have another baby? And realistically, with 3 kids and no help, would having a 4th be completely ridiculous?

Please be honest but kind. Thank you 🩷

Ah OP it can feel such a tough time in the months post abortion. How long have you been feeling this way? Understandably you feel guilt and sadness but I guess the tricky part is deciphering the feeling of loss with the feeling of wanting - do you feel as though you want to get pregnant again? Or is it simply sadness and grief? It can be a hormonal rollercoaster in the weeks/months following a termination and I have felt similarly having had one early April - days of intense sadness, regret and desperation to be pregnant again. Even though I know logically I made the right decision for myself as a parent, my marriage and my existing children with the youngest barely being 1, that doesn’t take away the intense emotions. Have you spoken to dh/friends about how you’re feeling? Be kind to yourself - you did what was right tor you at the time and that in itself was the right thing to do x

Thanks for your reply and for sharing your story as well. I hope you are doing well. So for me , the abortion was at the very end of November so a while ago! Coming up to 6 months but I don't feel like I dealt with my emotions straight away as my youngest was 19 months so very busy with her and it was the run up to Christmas etc. The sadness/ guilt and regret really hit me in February and been feeling in the cycle ever since.

I have finally started seeing a therapist to try and help me work through it So hoping that will help. I have told a couple of close friends and my husband has been really supportive. He has said if I want another baby and it's truly what I want then we will make it work. The decision to terminate was mine and he was also supportive of that.

im confused really about what I truly want, do I want another baby or is it the guilt and wanting to atone for what I did? Very dramatic I know but it's how I feel! I think I just need longer or process everything and try and come to a clear decision but it's so hard as I feel so sad at the thought that that was my last chance to have another baby. Even though I could have another baby, it feels selfish and wrong to the one I didn't keep.
ahh it's very confusing and a real rollercoaster!! Xx

not dramatic at all I really resonate with the idea of atonement and when I’m in my rabbit hole of regret I end up thinking on a spiritual level maybe my baby will come back to me - sounds silly when I say it out loud. I completely get where you’re coming from about some days thinking you can manage and others day being a struggle and parenting as a whole is so full of ups and downs that I imagine that can make things more confusing. Esp as you are doing a lot on your own and 3 kids is a lot to juggle! Maybe keep at therapy/talking to your loved ones, give it another 3 months or so see how you feel. Are you on any hormonal contraception now? I had a mmc years ago before my kids and was low for ages, similarly to when I came off the depo injection, and I did find supplements helped level my mood and hormones out. Sending love, it’s such a complex web of emotions to work through xx

Omg yes that's exactly how I've felt, like that baby will one day find its way back to me, but I also know that practically life with 3 is really tough and adding another one into the mix isn't sensible. If I ever have another accidental pregnancy I will 1000% make a different choice and keep the baby as I couldn't face this sadness again, it's like nothing I've ever gone through before!
Yes I am definitely keeping the therapy up as it does help just to go and talk about it and go over it again and again, I feel like my husband is sick of me talking about it daily, so I can pay someone to listen instead lol.
I did go on the mini pill as soon as I did the abortion, but tbh I've come off it since as it makes me feel so shit. But I'm not taking any supplements at the moment, but I think I'll get some tomorrow to see if it helps! thanks 🩷
also sending you lots of love and feel free to private message me any time if you are struggling , but to be honest I'm in no place to advise as 6 months on I still feel rubbish! lol but still message me anytime if you want xx

I am the same with 2, overwhelmed and stressed most days, and that’s what we have to remind ourselves. I genuinely believed when I had the termination that I can be a better mother to two - not only that but a happier person, better partner/sister/friend etc - and on the tough days I have to remember that still stands. But it is such a strange grief isn’t it and certainly is not linear. You sound like you’re doing all the right things with therapy etc so hopefully you get some closure or clarity soon. Thank you, you too! Xxx