Third pregnancy is twins…wracked with guilt

[meredith345]

I’ve just found out my third pregnancy is twins and I feel completely overwhelmed.

I already have two children and while this baby was planned, twins absolutely were not. Since finding out I’ve felt mostly panic rather than excitement and I’m ashamed to admit I’ve started thinking about termination because I genuinely don’t know if I can cope with four children, including newborn twins.

I feel awful even typing that out. Part of me thinks I should just “get on with it” and be grateful, and I already feel guilty imagining ending a wanted pregnancy. But another part of me is thinking practically about finances, childcare, my mental health, the impact on my existing children, and whether I’d completely drown trying to manage twins. My husband also works away for months at a time. I absolutely knew I could handle 3 but I did not expect 4

I can’t really talk to friends/family because I know people will have very strong opinions. I think I just need honest experiences from people who’ve ever had to go through something similar.

How did you know what the right decision was? And if you did terminate, how did you cope afterwards?

Please be kind because I already feel terrible

Bump pretty desperate

Just wanted to reply to you and sending you lots of love it's such a hard decision.

I had an abortion the end of November with a 4th pregnancy. I had 3 children already, very busy and overwhelmed with them most days! Although I love having 3 it is hard work and I panicked and thought I couldn't cope 4th. Everyday since I have regretted the abortion and have wished I could go back and change it, although I know 4 wasn't the sensible solution I also think we could have made it work and I wish someone would have told me not to have a termination.
of course this is just my experience, if I you decide to terminate then I really hope you don't have the same experience and grief as me. Twins will be hard of course and I would be feeling super stressed like you, however 3 kids is also hard work!
what are the ages of your other children?
you are the only one who can make the decision and if you really couldn't cope with 4 then you have to do what's right for yourself and your children. That's what I try and tell myself when I'm having bad days, however now I think maybe I could have managed with 4. It's a real rollercoaster 🩷

I have twins - they were babies 2 and 3 and I actually found them easier than my first.
if these are non identical twins bear in mind then the odds of you having another set of twins again is much higher should you decide to terminate and go again for a singleton. Take some time to let the panic settle and reframe how your little family will look in your mind. I’m not saying having twins isn’t hard - because yes it can be - but it’s also the most amazing parenting experience

As someone pregnant with their 3rd but single pregnancy. I panicked too, there was an overwhelming what the f have we done. Can we do this? Is three children too many. After speaking to a few people this is quite common.

Guess my question would be if you did a termination would you want to ttc again? What if it was twins again? Or would you stick at two children and always wonder what if?

if you contact someone like bpas they have specific counselling that might be useful

It sounds like it is a lot of overwhelm and fear and that you need to vent that out to people, maybe scream even!!!!???? My mum is a twin so I knew I had a chance myself of carrying them - I always thought well at least I would put them on the bottle as I couldn’t deal with breastfeeding 2 at once for years on end lol 😂 you could also get a few hours paid help if you can afford at all to help you with the first year

Thank you all for the replies. I am still not dealing with this well at all and struggling to see any joy in it (as terrible as that sounds). We are moving to a bigger 3 bed home soon, we did this so that my children would have more space and we felt the 3rd would share in the big room with our youngest. However, if they all had to share we would be fighting for space again. Financially it would be a huge struggle and my husband works away for 6/7 months of the year so it is all on me, with very little help from family.

I have a consultation tomorrow with the abortion service and I feel like I will make my decision once I have spoken to them. However, I have never felt like a more terrible mother than I do right now. The guilt for feeling this way is nothing short of horrendous.

In response to would we try again, most definitely not. I have said that this would be it. I don’t feel that I have it in me to do that. Our life is very blessed and I will absolutely learn to be happy with the two I have. Sorry for just blurting all of this out I’m just at war with myself and have nowhere for these feelings to go

Honestly please don't say sorry for sharing your story, it really helps others to hear all different situations. Also my therapist told me that talking about it and going over it etc helps you process it.

see how the consultation goes tomorrow, what I would say, as this is what happened to me, is that I was almost numb to the process when I was going through it and it wasn't until a few months later that the regret and guilt really hit me. Make sure you have support in place and people to talk to, to help you through it if you do decide to terminate.

if you do decide to continue the pregnancy just be strong and again try and reach out to twin support groups etc and do things to make it easier for yourself! Picnic dinners/ lower your expectations etc etc.

wishing you all the best and if you ever you need to chat you can always private message me x

Thankyou so much @KatieBee25your replies have been so kind and I have been so grateful for them. They have stuck with me as I’ve been continuing this process. I’m so sorry you have felt regret and it’s been hard for you, you did what you thought was best at the time but I guess you cannot prepare for what your mind and heart brings you to later.
This is the part I’m also struggling with, right now I just want it to be over, to not wake up and overthink everything and go back to giving my family my all again as right now I just want to curl up in bed. The consultation went well and I have a first appointment on Friday to be booked in for surgical the following week. I’ve decided to make the appointment so it’s there and then decide fully, but I do feel like I am leaning towards the termination at the moment as sad as that is to say.

Life is crazy sometimes and I’ve found myself being “angry” that my egg split, that this happened to me and then at other times feeling sad for the women who would have loved this. Constant conflict!

I think whatever you do, make yourself commit 100% and don't allow yourself to look back in the other direction either way. There's no 'wrong' decision here, just a very hard choice.

How are you doing op?