Pregnant again at 40 and unsure whether another baby is right

[UpstairsBrain]

Hi all,
I’m 40, mother of DS aged 4 who I adore. Despite having a terrible pregnancy with HG, he was an easy baby and I never felt that “I’ve lost my identity” thing people describe. I loved mat leave and was extremely lucky with the whole experience, even though we had terrible trouble with feeding. So our past experience of babies has been good, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, fast forward to me turning 40 and deciding we needed to try for another baby as it seemed like the last chance. We tried and I conceived in the summer. Then had a MMC in November. DH and I were devastated and he was particularly keen to try again. Now it’s April and I’m 6w pregnant.

Unfortunately we’re both absolutely panicking, not helped by getting HG again so I can barely think straight. Between November and now we moved house into what has turned out to be a money pit in a way we didn’t anticipate. I am a SAHM and the money issue is therefore pretty acute. After the miscarriage I had been really thinking about going back to work because I’m bored and lonely and feel like I’ve really lost myself. A job has come up at somewhere I used to work and which I loved, albeit a 1 year contract. Now I’m really worried that I’ve made a huge mistake getting pregnant again. It will torpedo my job prospects and mean money is tight for years. I don’t want DS to be alone but I’m also really worried about what we can realistically afford. I don’t know what to do. DH is in a total tailspin (he suffers from PTSD and anxiety) so is absolutely no help at all. I’ve been so stupid and thoughtless and careless and selfish. It’s as if we were so desperate to make up for the loss of the pregnancy we didn’t rethink again about whether it was the right thing now that our housing circumstances have changed. I’m scared it means my life is on hold for another 4 years. Any insights would be great - I know I’ve been incredibly stupid so you don’t need to tell me. Equally I know that this is my last chance - I’m not going to do this again, I can’t take it. What if I regret terminating the pregnancy? What if I regret having another child? I don’t deserve sympathy but I would like to hear people’s experiences if anyone has been through anything similar, whatever they ultimately decided.

Hello, congratulations on your pregnancy. You’ve clearly been anticipating and planning this baby so there is foresight and positive experience to carry you through. There are valid points about the current changes you are dealing with. They are however temporary and will resolve. You will be giving your child a sibling and expanding your family & capacity for love. Your child’s children will now have an Aunt or an Uncle and potentially cousins. We thrive in wider networks.

Apply for the job. Other work is possible. Not everything will need doing in the house.

And also take time to breathe. There is a lot of uncertainty and the HG will be making things feel harder.

Hi, I’m so sorry that you are so overwhelmed by all of this happening at once. It can be too much and make us panic. Since you are only at 6 weeks I would suggest you take some time to process everything and make a decision with a calm mind. Ultimately, i think you will need to ask yourself whether you want to have another child? I terminated my third pregnancy 4 months ago in pretty much a state of panic and fear. I did not really take the time to process anything - though I was also suffering mentally with perinatal anxiety and depression at the time. Let me tell you that the regret i feel is raw, and I can see that it will follow me the rest of my life. I’ve got no choice other than to live with it now, which is not something i ever wanted or envisioned for my life. Simply put, it literally sucks and is desruptive in every other area of my life. I truly feel for you that you are in this position with no clear answer as on what to do. Please talk it out with your partner and perhaps a therapist to come to a better head space for a big decision such as this. Reach out anytime, wishing you all the best!

Thank you both for replying so sensitively, and I’m so sorry @LivinginNightmare for your continued pain. It’s very difficult - whichever way you jump there is always something to lose, isn’t there?

If money was no object, we’d have this child. But it is.

Just came on to say please take the job regardless - you are under no obligation to disclose pregnancy. Even if you aren't eligible for maternity leave it will put your CV in a good place.

Please don't call yourself stupid - it sounds like you made the decision to try, and didn't expect the money worries. For what it's worth if you found one baby easy, I think you'll be fine with two. I found the 1-2 transition terrible, and the second much easier! That doesn't mean it's the right decision- but maybe think through how you will feel if you miscarried, and how you felt when you were trying, before you decide.

I'm 40 and often wish for an accident but know I would feel downright terrified if I got pregnant.

Could you adjust your expectations about the house, and put less money into it?

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities I think we’ll have to. There’s no real alternative besides termination and that’s such a huge step I can’t imagine it. I hate the fact that at no point in my adult life have I lived in a property where I wasn’t ashamed to invite people round, but I should probably stop being so materialistic about it!

Ugh. I’m just in such a negative place, feeling so awful physically. With DS, I didn’t feel better until he was out, so it feels like a really long 9 months of feeling like shit. I feel like I have food poisoning every day! I’m normally not a moany person either - it makes me really dislike myself.

@DoubleDIY Thank you - I was so upset when I miscarried and was absolutely despairing when my cycles were so messed up afterwards. Is that the real me?