Struggling with planned pregnancy after traumatic start and unsure what to do

[Pregnancychoiceshelp]

I’m 7 weeks pregnant with DC3. This was planned after a lot of back and forth - DCs are 7 and 5. I’m 39.

I conceived first cycle which was a shock. At 5 weeks I had a ruptured ovarian cyst and nearly died due to internal haemorrhage, had to have emergency surgery and was in a great deal of pain. I’ve recovered well from the surgery and the pregnancy seems unaffected but am now extremely anaemic and suffering with horrendous morning sickness.

I feel absolutely awful - empty, depressed, so sick. I haven’t been able to be around for my kids for the last 3 weeks as have just been lying in bed. I feel like this was all a terrible mistake and I just want it to stop and go back to my old life.

I did want this baby but now can only see downsides - the impact on my kids, the age gap is too big, the cost when cost of living is going up, my physical and mental health, the risk that the baby will have additional needs.

I know I’ve been through an awful trauma which is colouring all this but equally don’t feel strong enough to carry on. Though this is my last chance for a baby so will I regret it? When I think back to why we decided to go for it it was mainly that I just wanted another - heart over head and probably hormones - but I have 2 lovely children and maybe I should have just quit whilst ahead.

Hi, your story sounds so much like mine except for the internal haemorrhage. How scary that must have been and I’m sorry you went through that, glad you are ok! I’m 38 and my kids are the same age gaps as yours. We also planned for a 3rd but when I got pregnant I spiraled into really bad anxiety and depression thinking I cannot fo this. After weeks of this feeling I basically just wanted to have my old life back, so I ended up terminating at 7 weeks. The instant regret, guilt, and grief I have felt is still very much affecting my life nearly 4 months on. I wish I didn’t make such a big and drastic decision in such a state of panic, and should have waited a little longer to really evaluate the options. I’ve always wanted to have a 3rd, so why on earth did my mind flip a switch and decide against it? Hormones can make you really think things you’d otherwise never comsider. Its been awful for me, a very difficult time spent in lots of therapy and on anti depressants since. I never truly wanted any of this, and I am still trying to figure out how I got here. I never realized that there is no going back to how life was, the termination will always have happened and is a part of my story, forever. I would just advise to talk to your partner, perhaps even a therapist/counsellor before you make any final decision. Try not to make any decision out of fear or panic state of mind, try to get calm and really think it through. Of course, if your overall health (including mental health) is at risk, then terminating may be the right choice for you as your health and well being should come first, always. Best of luck to you!

Thank you @LivinginNightmare and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this as well. I feel like I have slightly gone insane as I really wanted this and had to talk DH round, but now I just feel so sick and want to turn back time.

Ive got a consultation with BPAS on Tuesday but I’ll be nearly 8 weeks by then and I’m worried about the physical impact of it all as well.

Hope it all works out for you. Ask all the questions so you can really make an informed decision. I also wish we never had to go through this, it is an awful feeling. Sending you well wishes as you navigate everything.

Just bumping this for any thoughts today. I’m still feeling very low and more resolved to end the pregnancy, but wondering if I can trust my feelings after everything I’ve gone through.

The pregnancy sickness is awful and I know that’s a big part of it.

sounds like you have been through a terrible ordeal op so please be kind to yourself. It is such a difficult and personal decision so no one can advise on what’s personally best for you but it sounds like you’re informing yourself as best as possible and thinking things through deeply to make the right choice for you and your family.
I had a termination very recently for an unplanned pregnancy (also 2 dc, 3.5 and 1). Though nowhere near as drastic as your circumstances I have also had poor health, very low iron, fatigue etc and as soon as the pregnancy began felt constantly sick and suffered awful headaches. I also felt really pressured on now or never as my husband feels done with the hard baby years now and said as such. I also was looking forward to stopping breastfeeding and having my body back, more time to myself etc. Also the money side is a huge factor - house would be ok but bigger car, childcare hours and being able to take my kids on holidays, clubs when they are older etc - we are in such uncertain financial times. I also genuinely find most days very difficult now and would really struggle with another baby.
I had a surgical termination as I was worried about blood loss at home with my low iron and the staff were so kind, the procedure was so quick and virtually painless. They see so many women, 1 in 3 women by 45 have had an abortion and a large percentage of these women are already mothers. Of course emotionally with it being so fresh I do feel up and down about it but nothing in comparison to the previous poster, so whilst certainly it can be a really difficult time this is not the case for all women so don’t let that scare you.

Thank you @Supernoodlez - really appreciate the post. I am sure that if I go ahead with the termination that I would regret it, but I think it’s probably better to carry that regret than to risk regretting a baby who is already here?

My worries are that it would take attention, time and money away from my children, they wouldn’t be close due to the age gap and so it would just be a negative thing for them that would stop me from participating as fully in their lives. We have no family support and I bf the other two for 18 months (and would want to do similar for any other baby) so the huge bulk of the baby burden would fall on me and take me away from my kids.

As against that I have a stressful job and being off on mat leave would mean I was physically present much more than I have been in recent years - I worry that part of my desire to have this baby was a cry for help to escape work a bit.

I’m also worried that I’m too old now at 39, and that I was just starting to get my body and life back after the young kids trenches. And I’ve been so lucky with 2 great births, 2 healthy, happy children (boy + girl) - why am I rolling the dice again and what if the baby had additional needs that further impacted my kids?

We are comfortable now on my existing salary and could afford the baby, house is big enough, could upgrade the car, have a great mat package so could take a year off, but it would mean that I couldn’t step back a bit at work at least until the nursery years were past, whereas if I don’t go ahead with it I could probably change jobs and take a pay cut now.

On the other hand I know this is my last chance for another child and I love babies and am great with babies and toddlers. I don’t doubt that I and DH and the kids would love them when they are here.

I can’t disentangle all the things I’m feeling as I’ve had (I) work nightmare (2) recent near death experience and (3) awful pregnancy sickness just one after the other. I’ve got no one to confide in other than DH as my mum is low contact (doesn’t like me) and my DSis has gone NC (mental illness/controlling partner - another huge sadness in my life).

all your concerns are completely valid. Either option comes with difficulties and it’s such a hard decision. I felt the same as you and ultimately decided I’d rather regret the abortion than regret the baby. Hopefully your counselling session with bpas will help you choose the path that’s right for you.

Hello, I feel like my situation was quite similar to yours. Mine was a planned 3rd, lots of deliberation. Husband was talked round etc. pregnancy did not go well, symptoms caused me to feel I would miscarry (had previously miscarried lots). Contacted the doctor due to this as my symptoms concerned me. I asked gp if I could speed up a miscarry. She said no but I have 2 options, an early scan or referral for termination. I was also at this stage going through all the feelings of fear of having a third etc. - this part I now know was a natural feeling that others feel but because I didn’t feel it with my others it scared me. I also now realise I was depressed immediately after I had a scan (I chose a scan not a termination.

I was happy at first though shocked that I hadn’t miscarried. However the scan was long and the sonographer quiet with some odd questions about my uterus. I was then told it was in the wrong place and it can’t grow there and if it doesn’t move they will need to remove it. Told me if I have pain or bleeding go straight to emergency dept. They said I would need to wait a week and have another scan. This was the point I couldn’t bear what was happening and my brain switched off - literally - my therapist told me my frontal loab shut down which is what happens in survival mode. So I was looking after the kids day to day but couldn’t think at all. My husband told me to meanwhile get an appointment with the termination company and he not happy with the scan information either.

the next scan the sonographer told me she agreed with previous weeks sonographer and also very long scan with same questions given to me. The nurse then followed up that they couldn’t give me a definitive answer due to the consultant not being on. She said she would email the consultant and let me know asap as I was considering not continuing the pregnancy. The nurse thought that consultant might want me to wait another 2 weeks otherwise to see if it moves down. I didn’t know a pregnancy could move at this early stage, they told me it was 5 weeks at the first scan when I had calculated 6. I didn’t know I could feel a pregnancy this early as I felt it in my tummy and it freaked me out.

I got a call the next morning from the nurse simply saying that the consultant said the pregnancy is normal so it is safe for me to take a pill. I was in shock as this was so different from what had been going on previously. I questioned it but the nurse simply said it is just the consultants say and she wished me good luck.

I had a pill come through the post 2 days later and my husband made the decision it was going to end badly.

the immediate aftermath was horrific like has been said by another poster. I also had physical problems as a cyst burst and had pain from that - nothing like yours though. How did you know about your cyst if you don’t mind me asking?

tnis is a year on now and I am ok. My post is not to give you advise because it has to come from you. Please know that you are not alone though. Do what is best for you. I did feel very similar things in your story so wanted to add my story to give to you xx

Thank you @Clangershome and sorry you’ve been through an ordeal too.

I was in excruciating pain from the cyst - worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life - couldn’t move, speak, was vomiting, pale, clammy. It was like nothing on earth.

thank you for responding and hope my story helped in some little way. It is extremely hard when a pregnancy starts off traumatic. I wish you the best which ever way you decide to turn and message if you need to or post and I will look out xx

I really hope you're ok and managing to get your thoughts straight. Life will work out fine whatever you will decide. Where does your DH stand? It might be worth taking some time (which you still have for taking the pill) to detangle your recovery from the illness, which sounds awful. If this is something you wanted it's worth considering how you would cope if you regret terminating- it's different to theoretical conversations about a third now that you are actually pregnant. I would have loved a third in theory but DP didn't and if we had an accident I think I would feel the exact same panic. For what it's worth I think the gap would be fine and you are not too old!

Thank you @ImVotingForYourself for your kind reply. DH is completely supportive of my choice, whichever it is. He was initially happy to stop at 2 kids for practical reasons but I did persuade him and he was excited and pleased when we found out I was pregnant. I think he would be fine either way - he has been amazing picking up all house and child admin for the last 4 weeks since my surgery, and I know he’s worried about me. I don’t think he would share his view if pressed because he sees it as my decision given everything I’ve been through.

I know that I would regret a termination but I think I fear regretting a baby more? I’m so worried that the surgery, all the pain relief meds and now my severe anaemia will have negatively impacted the baby, and one of my biggest fears is having a child with additional needs that will impact my DC’s lives. I’m leaning towards that atm but haven’t finally decided.

How are you feeling today OP? I was in a similar situation 2.5 years ago. No physical trauma, but unresolved mental trauma from my previous pregnancies. Planned third pregnancy (after a lot of back and forth), at 6 weeks a heavy dread came over me. All I felt was regret. I had panic attacks and fell into a deep depression. I was able to meet with a therapist quickly, and she told me I was not in the right headspace to make a proper decision about termination at that time. I put in the work in therapy and through medication and still didn’t want to continue the pregnancy, but I couldn’t bring myself to make the termination appointment. The pregnancy was the hardest 9 months of my life, but I made it through. DC3 is the light of my life. He just turned two, and while some days are hard, it’s not nearly as hard as I convinced myself it would be during my pregnancy.
You need to do what feels right for you, but be mindful of what trauma and hormones can do to your mental state and decision making ability. Wait a little longer if you can safely do so, and definitely talk to a counselor if possible. I wish you well in whatever decision you make!

How are you doing op?

Thank you for asking. I’m still here, still undecided. I had a surgical termination booked this week, got to the clinic and then cancelled, but have rebooked it for next week.

I’m 10 weeks now and still extremely horribly sick, getting worse if anything. I think DH wants me to keep it but I am still leaning not, though cannot disentangle how much of it is the hopelessness from the sickness. I haven’t been able to parent my children properly for the last month and can’t bear that. I’ve put on loads of weight as the only thing that helps the constant nausea is eating, my skin is awful and I’m so exhausted all the time. I just feel like I’ve lost everything about myself and I actually had a very good life before bringing this on myself.

I had no pregnancy sickness with my son, but then my pregnancy with my daughter (DC2) was very similar, yet I don’t remember feeling this depressed and hopeless.

I’m sorry you are still going through this turmoil. Have you anyone close to speak to other than your husband? Or perhaps a GP? Sending love xxx

I hope you're ok OP. You and your family will be fine either way. Hopefully by the weekend you'll have some clarity.