Hi all, please be kind, last time I posted on here it was when I was pregnant and people posted really unkind comments.
I found out I was pregnant last year with my 4th child. My periods and hormones are all over the place, so it was actually a doctor that phoned after a blood test to tell me.
We already have three children 7 and under, so we weren’t planning anymore, I was shocked but happy to be expecting again.
I phoned my husband and the first thing he said was “we can’t keep it”
We were just moving house, his work wasn’t great, he didn’t want another.
The doctor booked me in for a scan for the following day, as I’d been having bad cramps and she wanted to check it wasn’t eptopic. I remember praying it was, so I didn’t have to make the decision my husband was pushing for.
I saw the little heartbeat and burst into tears. There was nothing from him, no emotion. Noone to say it was ok, the sonographers didn’t even acknowledge my upset , I felt so alone.
They gave me advise on abortions with bpas, I ordered the pills. They sat there on the side for a week, I knew I couldn’t do it. I started taking my pre natal vitamins, I was hoping my husband would come round.
A week passed, I cried everyday at the thought of it, told him I wanted to keep it. He kept insisting it wasn’t the right time. Said that if I kept it, it would ruin our lives, our kids would suffer, we wouldn’t be able to give them the things we can now. The car wouldn’t be big enough, he didn’t think he would cope with another. He wasn’t excited about this one, the longer I left it the worse it would be. I started feeling sick with morning sickness, he said nothing, like he didn’t care. he seemed pissed off if anything.
The day before Mother’s Day he asked me if I had taken the pills.
I was sure right up until the moment I did it that I couldn’t go through with it, then I did, on bloody Mother’s Day. I just caved, I couldn’t do it alone. My stepdad and mum questioned if I would cope with another, I posted on here and people told me to get rid of it and think of my existing children because it would make their life worse. And I just did it.
I regretting it straight away, thought of making myself sick, I was going to see if I could stop it half way though but he said it would probably make something wrong with the baby.
I was only 6 weeks but the next day the pills took ages to work, the pain was like being in labour. I was mostly alone as he was still sorting the old house out.
It was the worst experience and decision of my life, not a day has gone by I haven’t thought about it and cried myself to sleep. I wish so badly I had been stronger and the baby was here, it’s like a black hole inside me. Like someone’s missing.
I’ve never felt pain like it, like my heart is broken. It’s like complete grief?
After, I told him I felt pressured into it, he said he didn’t hold a gun to my head. and keeps repeating it was a joint decision, I said it wasn’t. He’s broken my heart.
I’ve had this urge ever since to get pregnant again, I’ve thought of nothing else since. He feels nothing and still insists it was the right thing to do and doesn’t want anymore.
When it was my due date, he said it wasn’t normal to count down to that and that we weren’t going to think about it every year.
last week I had a big emotional meltdown, it’s nearly been a year and I still feel as bad as I did when it happened. He always just says “I don’t know what you want me to say?” I told him to say sorry just once, he went silent so I told him I hated him.
He just said he thought I would be over it by now. Did I just want a divorce; because he can’t keep going over it, my reaction isn’t normal. When I said it is hard to get over, he said he knows women that have had abortions and they’ve been fine. Even his mum. He doesn’t believe that people struggle with this and that it’s a big decision.
I can’t talk to him about it again, I just want a hug and for it to feel better, I have no one at all. I can’t bare for him to touch me anymore, I can’t look at him anymore, I don’t actually think I can get over how he’s made me feel. I just replay it all over in my head all the time. I try to act normal but the anger and resentment is just getting worse.
And there’s the fact that I want another child and he doesn’t, so I also don’t see a future for us on that front. I did ring a helpline for some therapy today. I can’t even tell him I’m doing that, (he will just say it’s not normal) has anyone else’s marriage survived this? Please give me advice. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m exhausted from feeling this low, Thanks