I'm 34 and have been in an on/off relationship and found out I'm pregnant. He is a lovely guy and wants to keep the baby. I have been suffering with awful anxiety since I found out, and don't feel attached to the baby yet although I've heard that's fairly normal. I am now 12 weeks and have been avoiding having a scan but have one coming up this week.
Part of me wants to do it but I've always been a very indecisive person and a fence sitter when it's come to having kids. I own my house and have a good job.
I always imagined bringing a child into a stable home situation and there is a large possibility our relationship won't survive in the long term (I love him but don't think I'm in love - have been wondering about my sexuality which I think causes a big barrier). I'd want us to try and be a unit as I do feel happy some of the time and I know he'll be a great dad, but i'm worried about feeling trapped with him, feeling guilty about breaking his heart if I decide to leave down the line. I also worry I wouldn't cope with co-parenting and would feel very isolated.
I also worry I won't want the baby when it's here and won't be a good mum as I've never dreamt of being a mum. I do want my own family though as I'm not close to mine, and I can imagine some nice aspects, I think I'd enjoy being there for them.
I have ordered the pills for MA and couldn't take them, and I've booked an SA and pushed it back once, then I turned up to the pushed back appointment on Thursday and couldn't go through with it. I don't know if it's a sign I want to keep the baby or if I'm just terrified of the procedure and the emotional aftermath.. I know logically having a baby in this situation isn't the best idea but I just can't commit to an abortion and I don't know why. It just fills me with dread.
Me and the father have discussed aborting and then trying to get out relationship into a more stable place and trying again in a year or two time. The abortion just seems so scary and wrong. I've had an abortion in the past but the circumstances made it very clear it was the best decision.
I've had a few counselling sessions but I'm not sure it's helping my decision.
Ughhh. My brain is fried. People say to think about what I want but it's like I don't know.. I'm an extremely anxious person which doesn't help.