Unsure on whether to have an abortion

[Al12388]

I am nearly 8 weeks pregnant. We have a 3 year old already, and we did decide to try for another, I was undecided though.
when I realised my period was late, I got pretty anxious and then when I did the test and positive I felt so so upset. It felt like my world was ending.
I managed to feel better ish, and tried to go along with it. Super worried about risks though esp as I’m 41, and I spent ages looking up every possible issue. But at least I felt well and was sleeping ok.

Last week I got Covid and then I got a stomach flare up and extreme insomnia where I slept nearly zero for 3 nights. Felt the worst anxiety in my life alongside nausea too. As soon as I felt that I realised again I didn’t want the pregnancy, I liked my life before and my bond with my son. I don’t want things to change. We do so many nice things together and he is perfect.
i feel like if I have the baby it will pull me away from my son.

I feel so depressed now. I really feel like there’s no good path anymore. If I have the abortion I worry my partner would be very upset, my son if he ever found out, and me too- the guilt I took away his sibling.
but I also don’t want the baby, the thought makes me depressed. My only reason for wanting another was to give my son a sibling, but I just don’t feel I have it in me to do the pregnancy and no sleep stage again. I don’t feel I have the capacity for it.

Im so sorry you are in this situation, its not easy, I was in it myself. I was also 41. I did decide in the end to keep my baby as I had no other children, so it was my one and only chance. I delivered at 42 to a very healthy baby, so age does not have to equal problems. I say this to give some reassurance and that lots of women are having babies when 'older'. There's tests you can get to check, which I got, the NIPT at 10wks. I also had a very good consultant who explained the reality of increased risks for older women...when viewed on a continuum, its actually a very small increase. I'd also say that in the early weeks hormones as you know are insane and can make us do things in panic. That said, its perfectly ok to not want a pregnancy and whatever you decide will be the right decision for you. Wishing you all the best. Please be kind to yourself.