41 & unexpectedly pregnant for 5th time

[PuffinPenguin]

Hi, I am still in shock - have 4 kids already between ages 4 and 15. My last pregnancy at 36 was absolutely horrendous with extreme nausea/fatigue well into second trimester, hemorrhoids, hip/pelvic pain. Birth was easier but I took a LONG time (years) to recover with pains in my joints and the piles still aren’t fully away. So I am not pleased at all as I’m 5 years older even than that one so I know it will be even worse.

Cost of living has meant we have been struggling more recently and there is no room for we live in 3 bedroom house so 2 sets of bunks already and no possibility of moving to a larger house.

One of the children has autism and one has other medical needs so I feel I am already at capacity.

I am really considering a medical abortion - would be super early but this is so far away from my values and I’m struggling with the fact I want this. However, I just don’t feel my body or mind are in a position to go through with the pregnancy and following years the pregnancy will have on my body all the while raising 5 children.

There are many other issues as well but these are the main ones.

I am looking for non judgmental experiences from anyone who was in a similar position and who chose either route and how they found it.

Hi. First, I just want to reach out and say I'm thinking of you, and I hope you have support around you right now.

I have recently gone through a medical abortion. It was my fourth pregnancy, but I have 1 year old twins, so I thought it would be our 5th child. We knew a termination would be in the best interests of our family, but I struggled with the idea. My appointment was 3 weeks away when I made it and decided to see how I felt as time came. Attended the appointment on the 7th of January and, of course, twins again. This made me panic and certain I couldn't have 6 children. I LOVE being a mother, but I'd question how good of a mother I could be if I was stretched to that extent. Money is tight. Space isn't great but manageable with our 4 currently. I brought the pills home. Took the first one on the Thursday and felt so much guilt for the pregnancy. I spoke to them and told them I would have loved them with my whole being, but I know it wouldn't have been enough to raise six healthy, supported children. Late Friday night, i inserted the vaginal pills. My whole body was shaking for around 30 minutes. Pure anxiety and dread. Physically, the termination was not painful. I was 6 weeks at the time. Emotionally, it has knocked me. I didn't expect to experience relief and grief in one. Ny heart aches for what could have been, but I can't say I regret it either. It's a confusing state to be in. Maybe I wish I had taken more time to think, but morally, I wanted to get it done as soon as possible.
I am trying to be realistic. I would have ended up with 4 children 18 months and under. A toddler and an older child who needs me so much more than he did as a little one. It would have been unmanageable. But still, I grieve.

You can only do what's best for you. The emotional toll has surprised me more than anything.
Wishing you the best ❤️

Thank you so much for sharing this. That’s the thing, I know I will grieve as well as knowing that the stress and pain for everyone in the family would just not be good at all. I have already contacted the service - it was my first instinct to call them after I took the test on Friday and I’m now waiting on a call from my local clinic. So do you know do they always scan - did u ask for that and that’s how u found out it was twins again? I’m also concerned at my age the higher risk of twins as well but I don’t know how I would feel seeing a scan either. I’m also like u where if I go through with it I want it as early gestation as possible but I also wonder if I’ll be giving myself enough time. I won’t know any info about the waiting time etc until the local clinic calls - all I know is that it should be sometime this week that I get a call.

So the closest appointment they had for me was 3 weeks after I had made the call, and I felt devastated waiting so long. But over the Christmas and New Year period, I wasn't surprised. I had a call from a nurse around a week before, and she took my history, date of last period, etc. She told me on the phone I would need a scan because I've only had 1 period since having my twins (breastfeeding). But i think the majority of people are scanned to date correctly. A friend of mine thought she was around 7 weeks but was actually 14 when she went for hers. When they scan you at the appointment, the screen is turned away. The sonographer and her assistant were amazing at easing my anxiety and speaking to me about other things, but she was taking a while to do the scan. Then she said,'I think what I'm seeing is another twin pregnancy, but you are very early'. I then asked her if I could see. She said, of course, and turned the screen and showed me the two scans. She then asked me if he would be comfortable with an internal scan to date the pregnancy accurately, which I agreed to. I didn't look at the scan again.
Seeing the scan made me relieved because in my head, I was picturing what you see at a 12-week scan. But that wasn't the case, and I could see I was really early and development was in the very early stages.
When I passed the pregnancy, I did feel them coming out and looked. But it wasn't traumatic as it looked like a weird ball of congealed fat or something. So I am glad I was early on. I think if I was further and could make out the shape of a 'baby,' i would have struggled.
How are you feeling today?

Thanks for sharing. I am not in a good place at all - still very much in two minds but veering more towards getting an abortion. The clinic contacted me and I booked a provisional appointment but said I also wanted counselling. I got the number and she told me it was phone so I thought it was a helpline but when I rang they said I had to book a phone appointment and all the offered appointment times clashed with work and the only one to suit was at the same time as my appointment.
My husband has now said he wants us to keep the baby but I said to him that it’s not ‘us’ having to keep it - it would be my body having to keep it. I don’t know what to do I’m just so upset and feel so alone.
I also just don’t feel pregnant at all, maybe it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to or just because apart from tiredness (and that’s more mentally) and sore boobs I feel normal. I know I’ve only 1-2 before the nausea sets in though and I don’t want that.
I just don’t know if the shock is still impacting me, so many mixed feelings and I’m just a big ball of mess!!

I think work can be a great distraction at times like these but also a hindrance in allowing you the time to process and decide. So please, if you need to take some time off to think this through, then do so.
All pregnancies are vastly different. My twin pregnancy was the one I have zero symptoms in during the first trimester. Obviously, I got large quickly and had a lot of discomfort but in terms of nausea, none.

Imagine your life in 5 years. What do you picture? Have you made a list of the pros and cons of each pathway? What are your biggest concerns?

Something that really helped me flip my perspective was 'there isn't a right and wrong decision. There are two positive outcomes from two different pathways. Both options are good options'.

See I just know I’m gona get so sick because I was sick for all and while they started around the same 6 week mark the first lasted until 9/10 weeks, second was 12 weeks, 3rd 15weeks and 4th went on until about 18/19 weeks. The hip/pelvic pain also started earlier and earlier each time (first around 20 something weeks and by time 4th came it was starting around week 10) Haemorroids also worsened with each one and even now I have been able to get rid of them over 4years later following 4th! I also got varicose veins in my vulva!!! Pregnancy is so joyful!!!! The 4th labour was pretty amazing and quick compared to my first horrendous 30 hour labour so that is the only thing that improved with each pregnancy.
i did speak to a counsellor today and while it was helpful I just realized that I am searching for someone to just tell me what to do and I won’t ever get that. Hubby is leaning much more towards keeping the baby but the level of support I am feeling from him right now isn’t great. I know his head is messed up with it as well and he needs a bit of time but I just keep thinking it’s me who will have to go through either the pregnancy or the loss. Counsellor told me that it takes 3 months after this medical abortion for body to return to pre pregnancy and hormones to go back to normal which is what can make people extra upset after etc. I was shocked to hear that as in my head I thought the bleed would be longer than a period and then your normal cycle would just start once the bleeding had settled.

in 5 years I will be 46 and very much perimenopausal!! Post partum in 40s at the same time as peri compounds the symptoms and I would also be breastfeeding which would delay things for an extra year or so. I’d also be putting eldest through uni, dealing with 2 teenagers, a 9 year old and 5 year old - it’s a lot. I don’t even know where this baby could sleep! We have 2 sets of bunks at the moment so after baby is out of our room after a few years they would have nowhere to go. We moved house to get more room after having 4th but just couldn’t find more bedrooms within budget so it would be impossible to move again and honestly the stress of moving house would floor me!