Hi, I’m not really sure what I hope to get out of this post, but I suppose I just need to get this out as I don’t really have anyone to talk to…I am a mum to two young children (ages 5 and 7) and in a long term marriage wih DH. At the beggining of last year we had discussed about trying for a third child, as we had always wanted 3 but had been through some very difficult times (death of my parents) in between having both our children and a move to a different state, so the timing for a 3rd never felt right then. Was consumed by grief for a while but life slowly moved on. We finally achieved stable jobs/careers and purchased a home after all of that and finally settled into a good place in life. Anyway, in the beggining of 2025 we decided to see what happens, we were not actively trying but were not being careful either… DH’s employment started to become uncertain with the possibility of the company going under/employment ending toward the end of the year. We then decided to hold off on the trying and possibly pick it back up once the employment situation improved or he found a new job. However, in early December I found out I was pregnant. I was immediately consumed by panic and shock and very upset that we got into this situation given the circumstances. I was constantly crying, unable to focus at work, disconnected from my children, stopped cooking, just completely withdrew from life. I was in agony during the week I knew I was pregnant - constant worry, fear, anxiety and just wanted it to be over. I wished I would rather die than to be pregnant. DH didn’t understand my feelings at the time and we fought back and forth on what to do. I then just said I wanted to end the pregnancy, and after talking to DH he agreed as I seemed miserable and the situation was not ideal. I quickly made an appointment with the clinic the following week and since I was early 7 weeks I opted for the MA. I took the first pill there but I hesitated while I was there as my gut was telling me don’t do this but my head was fighting back telling me you had already decided so just go through with it. I took the pill and like a zombie walked out of there, with instructions to compete the process the next day at home. After I got home, I laid down and it finally hit me - its like the fog in my brain finally had lifed and I screamed “what have I done” I did not want to do this, why did I fear and worry so much, we would have been fine and we would have time to figure out a new job if needed, etc. I told DH that I cannot do this, but then he paniced because we were told about birth defects this could cause and he eventually convinced me it was best to finish the process than to risk a birth defect which would make us feel even worse. This was two weeks ago. Since then, I have fallen into a deep dark depression. I cannot eat, sleep, properly care for the kids, and am constantly comsumed by regret, grief, shame, and anger. I am feeling pain like I have never felt before (worse than the loss of my parents!) I was suicidal the first couple days and I went without sleep for nearly 48 hours. Went to the doctor and am now on antidepressant, anxiety and sleep medication. I am no longer myself but some other awful person that I cannot recognize. I’ve been signed off work for a few weeks and called in MIL to fly in and help us with the kids as I cannot even get myself out of bed. I am constantly thinking of what I did and feel as though I’ll never be ok again, and I’ll have this feeling of regret for the rest of my days. Feel like I am slowly dying of a broken heart. I can’t believe I did this and the reasons seem so insignificant and that everything would have worked out. We have struggled before, and made it through and I feel we could have done it again. WHY did I have to let anxiety take over and worry so much! I wanted this child, I wanted it for years and I was finally given a chance and I just threw it all away for what! Poor DH was even trying to tell me when we first found out that we would be ok, but I just didn’t listen and fed all my negativity to him and he sadly didn’t push it any further and left it up to me. My heart breaks knowing I’ll have to carry this grief (silently) forever. My heart breaks for my two children and for what could have been - they have even asked for a sibling in the past 😢 … does it ever get any better? Or will I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life?