15 years old and pregnant

[sunnydayswherehaveyougone]

I found out 5 days ago that my 15 year old daughter is pregnant. I’m absolutely devastated.
I have talked to her 3 times in the last year as she has a boyfriend who is around the same age as her. We talked about sex, Sti’s and contraception. I also offered to take her to the doctors to go on the pill.
Around six weeks ago she told me she wasn’t sexually active and didn’t want to go on the pill. Now she’s 3-4 weeks pregnant.
I took her to BPAS the other day to discuss her options but they said she’s leaning towards keeping the baby.
I don’t think she will cope with a baby. She has mental health issues including severe anxiety and depression. I’m worried about her health both physically as she’s so young, but also mentally.
I’m also worried I won’t be able to support her. I was diagnosed with bowel cancer 8 months ago and I’m still recovering. I found out I’ve got Lynch Syndrome too and I will need a hysterectomy this year. On top of that, I’ve just been diagnosed with a heart murmur and have an urgent referral to cardiology.
There are also the practical things like how they are going to afford a baby? Me and her Dad are not in a very good financial position ourselves. How will she go to college with a baby? We both work and can’t help her look after a baby.
I honestly can’t see how it would possibly work but there is nothing we can do as it’s her decision. We have discussed our concerns with her but also said that we will support her decision as we love her.
I just need to hear from someone who has been through this please. I feel like my world is falling apart at the moment.

I haven’t been through this but as someone who has recently been through a termination and who has daughters - I now know from experience of this that I would never say anything negative to my daughters regarding a pregnancy / baby. It was the most horrific situation and I wouldn’t have thought that if I hadn’t have been through it. The anguish I suffered was awful. I won’t go into details but I did suffer and mine had a huge medical reason behind it.

I am not patronising or preaching at all. If she suffers from mental health this may well really impact her in the aftermath. My advice would be to show her positivity and support. I’m just trying to highlight the magnitude of a termination and the impact it has on someone’s mental health. Someone can never know who hasn’t been through it.

I wish your family all the best

Hi I don’t have much advice but didn’t want to read and run because I really feel bad for you having this on top of your health issues. I think you need to sit your daughter down and be realistic with her about the level of support or help you can offer. She needs to know that this isn’t a joint venture and that your plate is full already. As the maternal grandmother most of the hard work will sadly fall to you -this isn’t fair at all but is a scenario I’ve seen play out numerous times.

She needs to know that the chances of her ending up a single mother are very high, firstly because they are young and secondly because there is a lot of stress caused by being in this position. What will she do if dad runs off? Has he and his parents been told about the pregnancy?

Thank you for sharing your experience @Clangershome I’m truly sorry to hear what you’ve been through and I hope you are getting the support you need.
After reading your reply, I made extra sure that my daughter knew it was her decision and that I will always be here for her.
I was a young Mum myself, I was pregnant at 16 and had my first baby at 17. I couldn’t go through with the abortion I was booked in for and I appreciate what a difficult decision it is to make. I think I was a good Mum but I really struggled and I didn’t want that for my daughter.
My daughter is having an early miscarriage now so the decision has been taken out of her hands. I feel for her as although she was thinking of terminating the pregnancy, I think it was only because her boyfriend didn’t want her to have the baby.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it x

Hi @SorryNotSorry00,
It’s certainly been a stressful few weeks for all of us. My daughter’s boyfriend’s parents both knew and have been really supportive but his Mum also has health concerns, having had a stroke two years ago.
We all had a meeting with my daughter and her boyfriend. They didn’t know how they would afford a baby or how it would work out as they are still children themselves. He has to be in by 9pm and isn’t even allowed upstairs in our house. They had made the decision to have a termination, although I’m not sure my daughter would have been able to go through with it. Or if she had, I think it would have badly affected her mental health.
Thankfully, she didn’t need to make that decision. She’s having an early miscarriage and although it’s still upsetting for her, regardless of the circumstances, it’s out of her control and hopefully she won’t blame herself.

Thanks for your reply x

Sorry to hear it’s been so stressful for you all. I would suggest going forward that you ensure she is on a long term form of contraception such as the implant, I know you would probably prefer she isn’t sexually active at this age but realistically this isn’t the case and it will avoid a repeat of this in future. Take care x