Abortion grief

[Bhanisharianyla]

Hi everyone. I had an abortion a week ago and now I feel like I’m drowning in unexpected grief. For context I am a mum of 2, one is 11 and the second is 8. I always wanted a third, however, I had 2 chemical miscarriages and a missed miscarriage 3 years ago and I gave up on that dream then. My children were both starting school and I went back to work and earn a good enough wage that I can treat my kids to days out and they get to do extra curricular activities which I feel is very important. I ovulated very late a couple of months ago and accidentally fell pregnant. I was in complete shock. My two initial tests were negative so I thought my period was late but when it didn’t come I did another test and it was positive. I was then sent for an early scan where they couldn’t find anything so I thought it was a false alarm again. I had to go for another scan in case it was ectopic and they finally found the baby. At that point I feel like I went into panic mode. We only have a bedroom house and the last room is tiny. I had just got back into work and was earning for myself and I was worried about my age 39. I panicked about having a newborn and trying to settle my oldest into high school. About stalling their lives for 5 years and bringing up baby. Nap times and their impact on my current children’s freedom. I even started thinking that something could happen to me or my husband and the other parent would then need to solo parent three children. All this led to me making a decision to terminate which has since filled me with sadness. I feel like maybe I made the wrong decision and it would have worked out in the end. I work in a school which is making it worse. I don’t feel like myself anymore and I feel like I’ll never get back to being the mum my two kids deserve. Please help. Tell me it gets better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a termination at 22 (coerced by my partner and thought it was the right thing to do at the time, felt I had no choice, etc.). That child would be 22 now. I'm married with a 13 year old and a 7 year old with profound SEN. I understand your pain and your sadness. Personally, I bitterly regret my decision and if you feel that way (given enough time to heal and move on with your life and family) then please seek support. There are counselling services that are excellent.

You may feel much better once your body adjusts as you are clear in your reasons, your age and your other children are important in your choice, for instance.

You did what you thought was right and you made your decision for some sound reasons. That said, of course it will never be that simple, it's just not. It's an awful, painful thing that comes with so much guilt that you don't feel you can share it and the feeling that it's too late is heavy.

At the moment, your hormones are all over the place and your body is coming to terms with the change. Emotionally, you're very fragile and you're questioning things because it's natural.

You aren't a bad person, or a bad mum. Your hormones will settle and things will seem less raw and less tragic in time. I can't say it gets easier, as you asked, because it is very personal. Please don't be hard on yourself or go over things that can't be altered and give yourself time to heal. I hope your husband is supportive. Was he included? Is he aware you are struggling?
I may not be able to get back on tonight but I know some lovely MNetters will be along shortly to give great support. Please be gentle with yourself. Gentle hug. 💐

Thank you for your reply. My husband wanted to keep the baby and said we would manage somehow but I knew it meant things would be much tighter financially and it would mean by the time I tried to get back to work I would be nearly 45 and worried about pensions etc and being able to help all the children once they got to uni age and wanted to move out. I know practically it was the right thing but what do you do when your heart feels the way it does.

Hi, I can’t offer any advice I’m afraid as I am in your position but a few weeks behind. I just found out I’m pregnant with an unexpected third, my older two are 9 and 7 and I don’t know what to do. All of the reasons you’ve given above are reasons that I’m thinking about terminating the pregnancy (impact on older children, financial concerns) I’m also worried about the impact on my marriage because my husband feels that to have the baby would be unfair on our existing two - to he honest probably right. I’m just worried about how I will feel if I go through with it.

sending hugs, I know this must be awful for you. Just remember you made the best choice you could in the situation and you had your children’s interests at heart xxx

Thank you for your words. My head is still saying practically it was the right thing to do and I had to put my existing children first but I keep seeing people with 3 or more and feel like it’s so unfair how do they manage it. And I just paid for my son’s activities this term and I know I wouldn’t be able to do that with 3 kids and not working. I also have no parental support and my husband works long hours.

Hello op, i read this and your story has similarities to mine in the way I was checked for ectopic and they said it was but I had to wait 1 week for another scan to see if it moved. At this point it all changed. You said in your story that you went into panic at the checking for ectopic!? Anyway the week waiting was where everything changed for me and the next scan was still the same place. The consultant (who I never spoke to or saw) overturned it the day after and I was given no reassurance and I just felt all was going to go wrong.

the aftermath for me was awful. Mine is 1 year on. You asked does it get better and the answer is definitely yes. Get some counselling and talk to people if you can. It definitely gets easier and be kind to yourself.

the ectopic part of your story stood out to me as this was massive for me - for me I dissociated when this happened. I just wondered if that played a part with yours. Anyway please be kind to yourself

Hi Clangers,

I think I never could connect to this pregnancy because I originally got two negatives and then a positive then got told possible ectopic and I was all over the place. On top of it rationally or irrationally I was convinced something would go wrong due to the previous chemical pregnancies and the missed miscarriage and I had this fear that I would go through with it and something would be very wrong with the baby. I don’t know putting it down on paper it seems like anxiety and maybe not even rational. But I wasn’t prepared for the wave of sadness that hit me after. I’m struggling to look at DCs baby pictures as it just makes me sad for what I missed out on again.

I struggled to look at dc baby pictures also. I also couldn’t connect after they told me it was in the wrong place. Make sure you get out of bed immediately in the morning and don’t even rest for 10 seconds, get your body up and in the shower. Get through each day. If you want to message me then I’m happy to support you

Thank you Clangers. I can feel myself drifting into a strange sadness where I can’t take pleasure in all my usual things. I’ll focus on getting through each day and hope that it gets easier. I’m finding it harder at work. I work in a school and there are babies and pregnant women everywhere.

Message me if you like xx